Update

The Lord is with me

March 16 (Thursday this week) is what I affectionately call my “stroke-a-versary.” 19 years ago, on March 16, my family was told that I had 24 hours to live, & that if I survived, I’d only be able to blink.  Not only have I exceeded the doctor’s expectations, but I have slowly had things like my right arm, speech, & more return…things that assist me in serving the Lord.  At the time of my stroke, I was the primary chorister (teaching music to the kids at church who were 18 months old to 12 years old), so naturally, I sang the songs in my head, while I lay in my hospital bed recovering from my stroke. It was there that I learned the power of the primary music I had been teaching, as I (through song) received assurance that the Lord WAS there…& He continues to stay by my side!

I have begun conducting in the primary. That means I welcome the kids & help direct the flow of the meeting.  It was through inspiration that I learned how it was possible, & for two years I’ve been trying to figure out the kinks & get brave enough to do it.  Ha!  At first, I was scared to death (so I believe the Lord helped me that first day), but as with any anxiety, the more I have done it, the easier it has become.  & as an added bonus, by doing it, more people (teachers, other leaders, & even some children) are learning how to understand me, so I’m less afraid to speak up when I visit classes or see them in the hall!

Lately, the primary lessons have had a lot to do with people being healed by Christ, & on how Christ can heal us.  Since I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a questioning child somewhere who wonders about me & how it affects their faith in the Lord healing them, I shared this with my primary teachers:

“The primary manual says to, “Explain that sometimes a miraculous healing is not the Lord’s will, but we can still be blessed by His love and comfort.”  I know that is the case for me, &  that I will eventually be healed in His own time.  In the meantime, I have been healed in other ways, & strengthened to endure the ways I have not been healed.“  Often I am unaware of how I’m being strengthened until later.  Here’s one:

I now like to start my day with activities that point me in the right direction, so I like to do morning prayer, meditate, & do my personal scripture study.  I haven’t always done this.  The routine evolved over the last 19 years.  On a particularly difficult morning, I decided to listen to the podcast, “Don’t Miss This” for my personal scripture study.  I turned it on because it was my routine to hear God’s word then, & I was so tired, I just wanted to listen to it, but they always make me laugh!  Between being uplifted by God’s word & the clean humor, it’s like my slate was wiped clean & it changed my entire day!  I am so glad I have implemented healthy routines in my life that can aid me in the struggles I face!

18 years & still going strong…

A few days ago, I just wanted something to listen to, so I turned on a podcast I like.  (Better Than Happy).  I heard the title of the podcast (Managing Depression with EmyLee McIntyre).  I didn’t think it’d apply to me because I’m not currently depressed.  But oh, how wrong I was!  18 years ago, I was VERY depressed, & the podcast applied so well to my 18th stroke-a-versary (which is today, 3/16)!  First thing to catch my attention was this gem of a conversation:

You create happiness cause you’ve been through hard things & you’re still ok…

-EmyLee McIntyre

We don’t have to dislike who we were in the past to become a different version of ourselves… “But I liked her! I still want to be her!” Ok. You can like her AND become an even better version of yourself.

-Jody Moore

(because) She’s you!

EmyLee McIntyre

Then they shared this cool idea:

“Write down a thought u want to have & each day write down 3 evidences of how u saw it was true” (for example, if you are having trouble believing that God Loves u, write down “God loves me” & each day find 3 reasons why that is true)

What a fantastic idea!  I don’t need to prove to myself that God loves me – these past 18 years have been filled with reminders of how God loves me & has stayed by my side these many years.  But for fun (& because it has been on my mind), I will list 10 I have seen recently – though there have been many, many more!

  1.  Because of choices He has prompted, I believe it helped me to have a quick encounter with COVID (though I’m still recovering, I feel great & well cared for)
  2. My husband was sick before me, so he could help me when I was too weak to do anything
  3. I am always amazed at the physical strength of my husband when he’s ill, & knowing how weak I got, there’s no doubt in my mind that he received heavenly assistance!
  4. My helper was also sick slightly before us, so she has also been here & could help me both when Mark was sick, & while I am sick!
  5. By some miracle, I didn’t get sick with COVID until my helper AND Mark were both well enough to help me, but it was close enough to when they had COVID that they could feel confident about their antibodies
  6. I saw my grandbaby just the day before we had to quarantine
  7. In 2020, I finally had surgery (that I’d put off forever) on my deviated septum…it has TOTALLY helped me deal with COVID
  8. Not too long ago, my husband picked up Navage (which basically sucks your boogers out – Ha, Ha).  Not to sound like a commercial, but it has helped me SOOOO much!  I’m less congested than I’ve ever been from a common cold!
  9. Years ago, it seemed like a mean, cruel trick how my diet had to suddenly change, but now all I see is how it blesses me!  The week before I had COVID, my diet was jam-packed with anti-inflammatory foods!  Stuff I never would’ve eaten 18 years ago!  It was like I was being prepared for a battle!  … & the clincher: it wasn’t even planned! (which is strange, since I’m a planner!)                
  10.  Recently, I was reading an article called “The Joy of the Saints” (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/14christofferson?lang=eng), & I was reminded of a man who had a lot of influence in my life during the early years after my stroke.  The article read, “ Once in an interview, Jack observed: “Problems will come into all of our lives; it’s part of just being here upon this earth. And some people think that religion or having faith in God will protect you from bad things. I don’t think that’s the point. I think the point is that if our faith is strong, that when bad things happen, which they will, we’ll be able to deal with them. … My faith never wavered, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t have depressions. I think for the first time in my life, I was pushed to the limit, and literally there was nowhere to turn, and so I turned to the Lord, and to this day, I feel a spontaneity of joy.”

Now I should pick a phrase I want to believe, but am having trouble believing…

Life is moving too fast

A quick recap of the last 3 or 4 months:

1. Sophia married Davis Wycherly in October in the Jordan River Temple (though it mostly just meant more travel – my awesome S-I-L, Margot-Mark’s “big” sister–by 1 year, was the most awesome wedding planner!)

2. I had my first primary program in October, & I have now been the primary president for a year. Being the primary president at church is crazy busy from September (when I finish writing the primary program) until January (when I’m finished organizing for the new year).  But I love it! It makes me so happy to feel like I still have something to contribute!

3.  We went on a cruise during thanksgiving. It was great if u are vaccinated & go w/o the kids. They have the non-vaccinated & vaccinated sections, so u can go w/o a mask sometimes. It was also very uncrowded. 

4. Jessie just got engaged & will be married in June in the Timpanogus temple to Kyle Van Roosendaal. All 3 of my kids married within TWO years…crazy!

5. Zach, & his wife, Maddie, had my first grandbaby, James, in December, & they just moved to Texas! (Yes, I’m a grandma!  I’m not a fan of the word “grandma” though … my mom is “grandma” & she’s really old! Haha – love u mom!) 

Prior to my stroke, I was a “Pintrest mom”.  I threw amazing birthday parties (I’d taken a cake decorating class so my cakes would be amazing, & I went all out, like making Superman shirts w/capes, or balloon light sabers), made file folder games (thanks to my Elementary Education background), etc. 

After my stroke, I had a really hard time re-defining the word “mother”. If u know the enneagram, I’m a 3, & I define that word by what I do. All of my “best mom” identity was stripped away with my stroke.  It was so tough for me, but Mark says my stroke made me a better mom…the kids didn’t care about all of that!  they were happier just having me there to cover with stickers, watch a puppet show, or to play our improvised version of hide-&-go-seek! 

I don’t think I learned from it though, cuz I’m facing the same issues as a grandma!   I think I’m facing the “Pintrest grandma”. I seem to define that word by what I do, as well, & my OCD-personality only makes it worse, because I don’t “do” what I “think” I should do. To me, a grandma helps mom, possibly by take care of the kids, & does stuff like bake cookies. I do neither. So, I’m working on re-defining that word now.  In the beginning last time, I felt so useless until I discovered unique ways to still be a mom.  Hopefully I’ll learn faster this time!  I’m sure it will help having him live closer!

What helps me to endure

I have been asked what has helped me to endure the trial I’ve been given & I’ve always felt that my beliefs play a big part & that my testimony of Jesus Christ has strengthened me throughout my entire life, & especially during these 17 years post-stroke. So (as usual) I’m excited to watch general conference this weekend, but I get more excited when Easter is the same weekend!

“General conference is the worldwide gathering of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Twice a year, during the first weekend of April and the first weekend of October, Church leaders from around the world share messages or sermons focused on the living Christ and His gospel. Viewers learn how to find peace, hope, and joy in Jesus Christ; how to strengthen families by following Jesus’s teachings; and how to receive personal guidance and inspiration from God. General conference is streamed and broadcast live in about 70 languages and is later translated into more than 100 languages. We invite everyone—of all faiths, beliefs, and backgrounds from everywhere in the world—to watch, listen, and participate.”(https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/learn/general-conference?lang=eng)

If u want to watch with me, here are Ways to Watch or Listen to General Conference Live: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/learn/ways-to-watch-general-conference?lang=eng

There are 4 sessions (Saturday 11-1 & 3-5, & Sunday 11-1 & 3-5, central time. U can watch 1 session, or all 4 sessions! Or, after the conference, the messages are published on ChurchofJesusChrist.organd in the Church’s Liahonamagazine.

Here’s an Apostle Testimony Montage:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media/video/2015-10-0001-apostle-testimony-montage?lang=eng

How have u been prepared?

This last week has been crazy!  Since I had a lot of time with no power, I did a lot of reading on my ipad.  I’ve been reading a book about the Children’s Songbook for primary (https://kobo.com/en-US/ebook/stories-of-the-children-s-songbook?utm_campaign=TextQuotesIOS&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=App_Acq) & read this this week:

“She (Adele Howell, who was recently widowed, & needed a “distraction” from her husband’s recent passing) was called to serve as a counselor to her friend, May Hinckley. “What a Godsend work is!” she wrote. “I’m so busy I have not time to think about myself and how lonesome I am.”

Being primary president is Godsend work for me as well…I’m so busy that I, too, don’t have a chance to think about my own issues, either.  I think of others instead of me & my quiet house.  I had planned on serving a couples mission with my husband (for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) when my kids were grown, but since that is not a possibility now, I see this as one way I can bring the gospel to others.  But what is so amazing to me  are the multiple ways I’ve been prepared to be a primary president!

Lately, I have been thinking about how the Lord prepares me for the challenges of life & the trials I must face, either through resources, knowledge, or experiences. Sometimes I’m prepared in small ways, like just charging all my electronics & my wheelchair before a power outage, or by filling my 32 ounce waterbottle w/water prior to my pipes freezing.  Other times He prepares me in bigger ways (like marrying a man who’d stay by my side, & help me pull through some of the darkest times in my life), & there have also been things I have learned throughout my entire life whether from a variety of experiences (from school, college, dance/singing classes) or just from being raised in my family & in the gospel..  These experiences have prepared me for things I’ve faced as an adult, as a parent, & even now. I’m just so grateful to be watched over, protected, & to feel so loved.

When my 1st child was born, I felt such an overwhelming responsibility, because God was entrusting me w/1 of His children. Now that all my kids are away, I’ve struggled to know my new definition for “mom.”  Knowing that I, too, am a child of God, to see how He has continued to help me (even when I’m “away from home”) is pretty eye opening! I know that just because my kids aren’t in my home, it doesn’t mean “I’m done” or anything (once a parent, always a parent!). But looking at how He “parents” from a distance, helps me to see how I should be.