Update

Happy Halloween!

I have this document where I paste “clips” from other things I have typed, for ideas of future posts on my blog/website.  It saves me tons of time, so I’m not slowly re-typing something I told to someone already, & I don’t have to decide what to talk about–a BIG deal for me (I never liked having to choose what to eat or wear, so I always made Mark cook, & now he chooses what I wear, too!  Haha)

Anyway, while I haven’t posted in FOREVER, I have been keeping these “clips,” & now I’m so overwhelmed by them, I never post!  I will try to remedy that now…

The last time I posted, I shared a link that has scrapbook pages I’ve done (which I still add to, btw, so check it out—I add about 4 or more pages a month).  Since  I post my scrapbook pages, I’ve had several people ask why I scrapbook.  Often I answer that I scrapbook because I find it therapeutic by reframing my thoughts, but I have other reasons as well:

—it is a way to express myself artistically

—it is a way to “hold on” to my past self

—it is a way to re-live former experiences

—it is a way to share my life w/posterity, & show that life can still be enjoyed admits trial

—it can be empowering to see my accomplishments

—it helps me find & feel gratitude (which I need daily!)

—it can help me to see God’s hand in my life

So to update everyone, this COVID-lifestyle has been good to me (of course I can find negatives, but u know I don’t like to think about those, so here are the positives):

–I always can potty now

-people have more free time to help me

-restaurants now have tables spaced so I can get around—& stores have more room too

–while masks are annoying, they can also keep me warm (when I’m cold in bed, I essentially do the same thing, by pulling the sheets over my nose, so my own breath keeps me warm)

–being a “homebody” is what I like to do anyway

–I can get food delivered from ANYWHERE now…

I am now an empty nester (& under 50 years old!)  It had a rough start for me—since poor Mark only has me now, I got all depressed thinking about how his life was so different with only me here, & I had to reface issues from 16 years ago, as this was not how I’d envisioned life after my kids grew up!  I always planned to go back to elementary school once all my kids left.

So, I started thinking about how I wished I was different…for me, for Mark…But in talking to a friend, I realized that I had to change my focus–I realized that I know better than to dwell on what we can’t do–I get so depressed when I think that way about myself, so why would this be different???

So, I started thinking different.  & while I didn’t miss disciplining whiny, moody kids, I did miss the fun (as any mom does–each child– even my new daughter-in-law, who spent the summer here–brings something unique…in fact, the 1st time I heard a recording of Sophie singing, I bawled!)  So with all of the kids gone, the house became eerily quiet

But now I LOVE being an empty nester, & I LOVE all the time I have with Mark again!  It is so nice to see Mark more the way I saw him 26 years ago, & for me to t feel as anxious all the time (part of that is oddly a thanks to COVID)!  Plus, I think I was someone’s mom for long enough to forget who I am—or maybe I never took the time after my stroke to figure out who the “new me” was.

I had a plan all laid out, & while I thought 23 years ago that I’d be a teacher now, God had another plan…& because He has a sense of humor, he brought school to me: for a while, my helpers’ kids came here w/them, so one day there was a kindergarten class in my craft room, & the next day there was a 2nd grade class in my craft room… haha

With all my new “free time”, I signed up for a nutrition/weight-loss class that focused more on my mind & changing my habits & thoughts.  It’s a 10-week course that focuses on these 6 “pillars.” In “Target 100,” I like how she does more with re-wiring the brain, & has a focus on emotional eating (which I do).  Since I’m learning how to change some thoughts & habits, I’m hoping that some of the stuff I learn will seep into my OCD-personality, as my recent focus has been on managing that & my anxiety better (it wouldn’t hurt if I lost weight, too)!

But I was having a hard time managing my new phase of life, & I realized that a lot of my thoughts get in my way, so I got a “time coach” (a life coach, who specializes in time management).  Seemed a bit crazy to start this (of all things!) when I was already busy, but our course doesn’t even start until my other class has 1 week left, & I sorta’ get “bonus help” in the meantime.  Already he’s challenged some thoughts & helped me to take ownership or something with things I already knew from Mark. 

I have more things I could talk about, but this post is long enough…Oh!  No costume this year.  So sad!  I love to dress up, (it’s a whole new ballgame now, in a wheelchair!) but we celebrate our Halloween by going to our ward’s trunk or treat (which was different this year), but since I had no kids wanting to go, I stayed warm at home!

Slowing down

Before coronavirus, I actually had a good routine set up…I bet u felt like u did, too. Oddly, while the world has slowed for everyone else, & made their lives less busy, my world has started spinning, as I can get more help now, & w/that help, I have the option to do so much more. Crazy, huh?!? (Interestingly, my world has only changed in ways where I try to become more like “everyone else”: music & yoga therapy are online, & horse therapy temporarily stopped—speaking of…I am REALLY concerned about them, so if like to help them out by gathering donations. If u’d like to help, go to http://www.redarena.org/ … Once here, go to “donate options” under “support” on their toolbar.)

I thought I wanted a busier life, but after a brief reminder, I realized that I don’t want that! I don’t feel as happy—even when I’m getting done what I want done—if I have to fight for my time alone to have time for my personal scripture study & meditate. Seriously…I’m happier on the days I fit those in! In trying to find a new balance, it occurred to me: I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE…meaning, I’ve had my life turned upside-down on me, very suddenly, before & gone from being a crazy, busy mom to being well…uh…me! Someone far less busy. Someone who looks back & can see how beneficial it can be to be less busy.

I’ve had a few weeks to “busy myself up” again, so let me share how I’m trying to figure out my new schedule, & maybe something will stick out for u as u figure things out for u.

1st, try to avoid any depression & be grateful for what is still a “can do.” Then, I use the spirit to help me figure out my “good, better, best” activities: ie, I’ve always wanted to do therapy daily, but w/the business of other people’s lives, that wasn’t a possibility before. But now it is! So now, part of me would like someone to come at least a few hours daily around lunch for help with lunch, potty, & therapy…but that seriously messes with my routine (meditation & personal scripture study, amongst other things…& now that my family can be there, I’m not!) So, I need to figure out if there is there something better or best I can do? Cuz while daily therapy is good, is it “best”? Tuesday’s used to always be my “date day” with my husband: going out to horse therapy, going out for lunch, & maybe going to the movies or to run errands with Mark—so maybe finding a way to still spend time w/Mark is better or best? & now that my family is around more, shouldn’t I find a way to interact w/them more?

Months ago my daughter (who was on her mission & has since been sent home) was facing a tough decision. I told her, “U’re faith is being tested by not knowing. God is forcing your faith to grow & making u take a “step into the darkness.”

& when she was physically hurting & felt like she was slowing down others, I told her, “I totally feel for U about your frustration with slowing down the work…I get it. But God probably appreciates u for doing your best….even if your best is just rolling out of bed one day. Reframe. Accept what u are capable of doing. God does.
Would U tell a friend what u are telling yourself? Be nice to yourself.”

Ever notice how much easier it is to dish out (rather than to take) advice? Maybe I need to take my own advice & be nicer to myself, acknowledge that I’m doing the best I know how, & grow, by taking a “step forward into the darkness.” I encourage u to do that, too!

Make the best of whatever life hands u!

I posted this on FaceBook & Instagram,but in case u still missed it, I thought I’d share it here:

At first, this virus thing wasn’t affecting my life too much…I’ve had to face some cancelations, but now I’ve had to start canceling therapies, so it’s getting personal. Not fun. Yoga & music therapy I’m doing via Skype/Zoom, still not my favorite! 🙄

However, one of the reasons I married Mark is because, if he wants to, he can make the best of any situation. (I had no idea how useful that’d be!). Today, we were using the paintball guns to shoot stuff. Quite therapeutic. 😂

I have a video & more pictures on FaceBook & on Instagram

Stroke-aversary/Typical day

This year on the 16th day in March, it will be 16 years since my stroke, & I will also be one year older than my mom was when she had my baby brother, Mike (there are 7 years between my 2 youngest brothers–can u even imagine thinking for 7 years that u are done having babies, & then–surprise!  Time to start over!)  Not only am I  about the same age, but instead of a baby,  my son got married, & soon  I will be an empty nester: 3/5/2020  was a big day for our family, as it was Sophie’s 18th birthday (I can’t believe  I have no more KIDS, only ADULTS!) & it was also my daughter, Hermana Jessie Lynn’s hump day (in other words, her mission is halfway done)! I KNOW the Lord is watching over her & protecting her!

So, what have I been doing all these years?  If u are just looking at me, I don’t come across as someone who can do much, but if u get to know me, u might be surprised by all that I can do (& the advancements in technology the last few years have only increased my independence).

Years ago, Jack Rushton (who was paralyzed from the waist down) said it best when he said (emphasis added), “Lying in bed I truly feel handicapped, but in my chair, sitting upright, just think of what I can do.  I can work on the computer, read and write, or go outside and sit in the sun or roll around, and if I’m real lucky, get hauled into the van (or go on a plane/cruise ship)  and go off with Jo Anne (Mark)  for a never ending adventure.  I truly am a lucky — or as I prefer to call it—a blessed man.”  (woman!”)

So I thought I should address my typical day—from my husband’s eyes:  I have taught early morning seminary for the past several years and we usually get up at 5am.  I help jenny use the toilet and then I shower both of us.  I dress her and quickly do her hair.  She has been attending seminary with me so I load her up in the van and drive her to the church where I commence to unstrap her (and the chair) and help her out of the van.  After seminary, I load her back up and unload a few minutes later once we get home.  I make her breakfast and give her some liquid meds, but she is able to get her pill meds from the prepared med box by herself and take them with food or water.  Jenny can get water from the refrigerator, as well as some prepared food from a refrigerator drawer. She needs assistance with a paper towel bib to protect her clothing while she eats, but she does all of her own feeding.  Self-feeding is not always pretty by the time she is finished, but Jenny literally buys Shout Wipes by the case.  Jenny drops her dishes in the sink and throws her garbage in the trash can.  We have tried to hold family scripture/prayer sometime during the day.  I will shortly thereafter help her use the toilet again and she is able to access her computer and other supplies in her craft room with little or no help for most basic things.  Jenny has a few exercises that’s he does with and without help from others- mostly with help.  Her new wheelchair is a “stander” so she can get standing exercise and reach higher things on shelves without help. Jenny has discovered grocery deliver service, Amazon, and other related tools to be a huge blessing for her independence.  Our current home has smart home technology where she can play music, turn on/off lights, adjust the thermostat, and open and close dose remotely from her iPad.  Jenny usually does not need assistance until lunch (which she can get on her own if need) and then to use the toilet shortly thereafter.  Things kind of repeat until dinner (which is the similar routine as with lunch).  Jenny requires me to dress her and help her use the toilet one last time before bed.  I carry her to bed and get her situated with a rolling stand that has her iPad and ear buds.  Jenny needs significantly less sleep than me (or average humans) so she will often go to sleep after me and get up well before 5am and either lays there or keeps herself busy on her iPad.  I no longer have to move her several times each night.  It is less than once a week where she needs me to roll her on her side or reposition her in some way.  I own this to the magic of memory foam and her ability to make slight movements on her own.  I still reposition her when sleeping in hotel beds, but still not as often.  Depending on the day, I may go to work and one of Jenny’s two helpers will come and help with the lunch and bathroom routine and other tasks Jenny is working on.   She is always working on something.  I am a little upset at the doctors because they promised me she will be sleeping all day in bed.  Jenny is ALWAYS working on something.  She makes me tired by her constant activity.