tender mercies

A while ago, I began a journal to record the tender mercies I saw from God each day in my life. I have been very sporadic, but whenever I do it, I am overwhelmed by what He has (& continues to do) for me.   Here are some of the more recent “tender mercies”:

-there have been several days where I either needed time alone to process/understand my feelings, or to “catch up”, & one of my helpers was either delayed, or couldn’t come into work. I hate to say her trial is a blessing for me, but I know the Lord has a way of turning lemons into lemonade.

–people saying things that I need to hear precisely when I need I need it

–people doing things at a time that works so they can give me the help I need, exactly when I need it…though sometimes it has presented as a test or trial–& if I “pass,” I receive help emotionally, too…not just physically

–people are constantly being put in my life to help me in more ways than one.  Here’s an example:

No cause was found for my stroke, but one theory is that my diet was a factor: pre-stroke, I rarely ate fruit (unless it had nutella), I hated most veggies (except corn), pasta was a staple in my diet (& it was often chicken Alfredo) & I rarely ate greens, so my blood was thick.  (I tried eating healthier when I found out I was pregnant w/Zach, but that was a very bad idea to try to change my diet when I was pregnant!)  Anyway, I hit my head a few days prior to my stroke, & the theory is that my blood was too thick to get through a skinny nerve I had at the base of my skull.
I was over-joyed (note the sarcasm) to learn post-stroke to be told to eat LOTS of leafy green vegetables. “Just my luck!,” I thought, & for years, I just ate what I wanted.   (“I already had a stroke…what could make me worse?”)
But then I gained a lot of weight, & since Mark transferred me, I felt responsible when Mark kept hurting his back. So I replaced my stash of chocolates & Cheetos w/freeze-dried fruit, & gave myself other restrictions…& with some small, though difficult, changes, I lost tons of weight.  As a bonus, I learned to like eating healthy, & then I got a new helper, who is the bomb at making healthy food super yummy, which was a tender mercy to be sure!

Over the years, this helper has helped me in countless ways w/physical, emotional, & social ways as well…& she is not the only person who has entered my life, & helped me in multiple ways.  Many friends AND family have equally blessed my life!

–sometimes other people in my life will be the answer to a prayer or be given challenges where we can relate & strengthen each other

–daily events that have helped “mold” me so I am better equipped to face current challenges in my life

–During the past year, I have enjoyed being able to bite into whole pieces of fruit.  It’s been almost 16 years since I’ve done that, so it is exciting every time I do it!  I started w/a pear, & added other fruits: nectarine, plum, peach—even opening an orange & a banana.  By October 2019, I bit into a soft apple!  I can’t explain the joy that followed!

— The thing I have wanted to gain back the most is my speech. It has been a long journey (which is not over), but my speech has continued to improve —  & even more drastically during 2019!  Music therapy got me started (around 2006?), & when I began horse therapy (2014), it strengthened my diaphragm, & then music therapy could then focus on  all the fine motor work & put the muscles (that I develop in horse therapy) to work so I am able to relearn speech.  All my therapists hold conversations with me, which only could strengthen my ability to speak. By  September 2019, I felt confident enough to approach someone on my own, & talk to them—something I haven’t done  since my stroke, almost 16 years ago!  & after almost 16 years of only being able to text & email my husband when he travels, in October 2019, he Facetimed me not once, but THREE times  on a trip!

Zach got married!

My firstborn was recently married in the Sacramento, CA temple.  (Yes, I am that old…)  I have never seen someone so happy!  As he danced with his new wife, my dear friend, Kathy, leaned over & asked me, “Aren’t u glad u are here?”  I was grateful for her question, as my eyes filled with tears & my mind was flooded with a memory:

Shortly after my stroke (& while I was severely depressed & wanting to die), I remember Mark taking me out to watch our kids ride their bikes—as the 2 oldest kids had just been taught by Grandpa Lynn how to ride their bikes with no training wheels.  As we watched them, Mark leaning forward & saying, “Aren’t u glad u are still alive to see this, & can be there for all of their milestones, like their wedding?”

So, a shout-out to my son, Zach, & his new wife, Maddie!  I am happy I got to witness (2 meanings!) the event!  Love u both!

At their wedding, a highlight for me was getting to stand & “dance” with my husband!  At the end of the dance, we were able to share some advice with the new couple, but I’d like to do mine now…so, here’s a bit of advice for the newlyweds:

If u get upset with each other, serve willingly!  I have always joked about how the stroke has saved my marriage, but I really think it has!  Serving someone who has ticked u off is such a good way to be filled with Christ’s love, & soften your heart: I have seen my girls be sooo mad at me, & then as they are in the process of helping me, I witness their heart softening towards me, & by the time they finish, they apologize!  & 9 times out of 10, I am the one who ticks Mark off (good thing I had the stroke, cuz there’s lots of service he can do for me-HaHa), & while it takes a lot of humility on my part to ask for help, he has never denied helping me… he may be reluctant at times, but he surprises me by always being willing!

& his willingness is the key because the marriage rates for brainstem stroke survivors are not good, despite the fact that they are serving their partner who had a stroke.  Being willing shows love, not “servitude.”

Also a shout out to Kathy, who I had never met, but she bravely came to my son’s wedding!  After my stroke, my family searched the web for any info they could find on brainstem strokes.  There was little info to be found, but they found Kathy, who had had a brainstem stroke, & provided me with hope that I had a possibility to do better in this life, as she was walking, talking, & driving a car!

One last shout-out to my daughter, Jessie (aka “Hermana Lynn”) who was at the wedding in spirit, as she was physically in Iowa representing The Church Of Jesus Christ, &  serving the Lord.  Hats off to her for putting God 1st in her life!

TheDemon in the Phone

Back around 2006 or 2007 (before I could talk), I started using a phone.  We had caller ID, so I only answered when my husband or kids called, cuz they knew “the system”: 1 beep on any button meant “hi, this is mom.”  Then the “fun” began (I’m being sarcastic, if u can’t tell)—whoever called played 20 questions with me (usually, the 1st question was to see if someone was there who could read my ASL,  & I would answer them with 1 beep for yes, 2 beeps for no).

Then, I got a cell phone in 2016.  This seemed silly, since I couldn’t use a phone yet, really…the phone was more to hold on to my son’s phone #, during his mission (which I “stole” because I’d been texting from it those 2 years, so my son was nice & let me keep my texting #.)

Last year (2018) my son called me & asked me to return his call…& when I went to return his call, I had like a 15 minute panic attack before calling him back—“what if he didn’t understand me & I was all alone, & there was no one to translate me?”  It had been 15 years since I held a conversation on a phone….I was kinda’ out of practice…”what do I say/ask to keep a conversation going?”  “Was this a good time for him?”

I told my music therapist about this experience, & she encouraged me to start having more phone conversations with more open-ended questions, & to also have people call me.  I started small with just immediate family & 1 friend, until I got the nerve to post about it (but to those kind friends who responded  & said to call, I STILL haven’t had the nerve to call them!)  However, my sister & I set up a weekly time to talk.  I still can be hesitant to call her  if I don’t think my speech is good that day, but now it’s not my “usual” anxiety as much as it is just knowing how much energy I  need to  have to speak,& if  talking is hard that day, it takes lots of energy to speak!

Monday, my missionary (daughter) called me—& for the 1st time ever, I wasn’t even phased when I heard my phone ring, I just answered it, not even caring that I was alone!  She seemed to understand me just fine, & I enjoyed our talk! I felt  like Supergirl when we were done because I had conquered a demon!  I am sure it has helped to talk to my sister (thanks Missy!), because I’m ok if my family calls now…someday I’ll get to where I feel comfortable answering any call(instead of getting nervous & hanging up on telemarketers! Ha! Ha!)

Time for an update…

I haven’t posted in a while, though I meant to last June (found this post):

Today (6/18),I  was using my grabber to pick up trash that didn’t quite make the trash can, & when the trash can lid opened, the trash was flung to the other side, & onto the floor. Instead of sighing, or giving up, I laughed about it.  My niece (who has been staying with us) saw the whole thing & commented about how “u know it’s a good day when u can laugh at stuff like that!”  & ya’ know what?  She’s right!  There are days I can’t even gather the strength to go get my grabber, let alone take 3 tries to throw away TRASH, & remain in a good mood!

Anyway, been a busy summer: my son got engaged (I get another daughter, Maddie,  on Oct. 19th!, & we all love her so much—she just “fits”), we finished building a home in Utah with my in-laws (WE ARE NOT MOVING!  My in-laws & my son live there for now, until Maddie joins the family & they will live in a “basement apartment”…but upstairs, there is a room for me in the house, so we can visit longer), & took (what my niece called) a vacation in a vacation: flew to London (I swear it is the most accessible place in the world!), then flew to Spain, where we boarded a cruise ship for a Mediterranean cruise, visiting another port in Spain, France, & Italy.  Then we flew to Denmark.  After visiting all those awesome places, is it wrong that the highlight of my trip was seeing people (who weren’t disabled, & probably just wanted to be alone to poop!) thrown out of the disability restrooms?!? I love Europe!

In our church, the members take turns speaking, & last Sunday I gave a talk in church: https://app.box.com/s/tu1mw6ktoulqwbnhhnk3v4nf9e0k01oy

I intended to introduce myself & my daughter vocally—I could do it at home, & I got up to the pulpit & raised my chair to standing, but I was too anxious, & ended up signing the intro & my testimony—though I did end it vocally…(thanks to the fact that I pray with my family vocally, & talks are ended the same way as prayers,  so apparently repetition helps me, too, not just when u teach kids!)

I started horse therapy again this week!  I am so happy!  Horse therapy heals me emotionally & physically, which is awesome!  Attending horse therapy is 1 of the bright spots in my week (the others are seeing/hearing from my missionary, Jessie, on Mondays, & attending church Sundays)  One of the things I miss the most is that pain u feel that tells u that u are getting stronger.  But that is why I love horse therapy so much—cuz sometimes I can feel it working!  (& Growing can hurt, so u might as well enjoy it!)  This (I think) is my 6th year. I used to be wiped out all day after a session…but my endurance is getting better, so while I could feel my muscles “waking up” (so awesome!), I wasn’t wiped out this year.  Yea, me!