Recovery

THERAPY

WED. I HAD MY BEST MUSIC THERAPY SESSION EVER! I WAS SO EXCITED, I HAD 2 CONTROL FEELINGS OF EXCITEMENT BECAUSE I ALMOST CRIED WITH JOY! SO WHAT WAS IT? I WAS SINGING VOWEL SOUNDS WELL & ACTUALLY MATCHING THE PITCH AS IT WENT UP & DOWN. B4 MY STROKE, I WAS A HUGE SINGER. MUSIC WAS IMPORTANT—PLAYED PIANO 10 YEARS, DANCED SINCE I WAS 5 IN MANY STYLES, VOICE LESSONS 4 LIKE 8 YRS., ALL-STATE & COLLEGE CHOIRS, TRAVELLED 2 EUROPE W/A CHOIR, A MUSIC MINOR, ETC., SO, AS A SINGER & 1 WHO DESIRES MOST 2 TALK AGAIN, THIS WAS HUGE & COMPARABLE 2 THE JOY I FELT WHEN I STARTED WALKING IN SWIM THERAPY—. I ALWAYS HEAR PITCHES IN MY HEAD, BUT CAA'T VOCALIZE THEM—IT'S INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING 4 AN EXPEIRENCED MUSCIAN 2 NOT SING WHAT IS HEARD! THERE'S AN LDS CD BY MICHAEL MCCLEAN CALLED THE 4GOTTEN CAROLS. I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT, BUT CAN NOW RELATE 2 THE ANGEL SAYING, "IF U COULD ONLY HEAR THE MUSIC IN MY HEAD!"

SO WHAT BROUGHT THIS ABOUT SO I CAN RECREATE IT? NOT SURE. COULD BE A MIXTURE OF THINGS:
• I STRETCHED MY VOCAL CHORDS BY EXTREME PBA LAUGHTER & CRYING B4 IT (& I KNOW I HAVE 2 TYPE 2 STRETCH OUT & LIMBER UP MY FINGERS SO THEY'LL MOVE BETTER 2 PLAY MY PIANO/SYNTHESIZER)
• THE TIME 4 SESSIONS NOW IS IN MY BETTER "AWAKE" HRS.
• I TILTED FAR BACK, SO I GOT TONS MORE AIR
• NO1 WAS THERE (I GET PERFORMANCE ANXIETY), EVEN THOUGH I FIGURED MARK WAS LISTENING (HE WAS!)
• WE REALLY WORKED ON BREATHING EXERCISES B4

WED.

4GIVE ME 4 NOT WRITING SOONER, BUT THE TIME I USEED B4 TO WRE HAS SUDDENLY BECCOME "GIRL TIME" W/MY GIRLS. I’M FINE W/THAT, BUT NO GAURANTEES WHEN I’LL WRITE.

SO WHAT CA THE GIRLS POSS. DO WITH ME? A FAV. IS ARGUING 2 SIT ON MY LAP AS THEY PLAY COMP. GAMES, WRITE EMAILS, OR WATTCH A MOVIE W/,E. SINCE FIA CAN READ & JESS (WHILE IMPATIENT) IS BETTER AT READING MY ASL, COMMUNICATION IS LESS A BARRIER 2!

STILL, LIFE W/1 HAND CAN BE EXHAUSTING. IN ADDITION 2 THE EXPECTED WOES (BEING ON THE RT. SIDE 2 PICK UO THINGS LIKE THE REMOTE; 2 DO ANYTHING, LIKE PUSH A BUTTON; OR 2 ACCOMPLISH ANY TASK, LIKE PLAYING THE PIANO OR TYPE-I BET I HAVE THE STRONGEST INDEX FINGER!), THERE’S ALSO STUFF LIKE THIS:

WHEN I GO SOMEWHERE I NEED 2 ACKNOWLEDGE PEOPLE, LIKE CHURCH, I HAVE A CHOICE 2 NOD A HELLO & KEEP DRIVING, OR I CAN STOP DRIVING & USE THAT HAND 2 WAVE HELLO.

IN ORDER 2 RESPOND VIA ASL, IT’S THE SAME. 4 EX., RECENTLY WHILE ON THE COMP, I WAS HIGHLIGHTING TEXT (WHICH TAKES QUITE A WHILE & REQUIRES A LOT OF INTENSE FOCUS W/DOUBLE VISION). AT THE SAME INSTANT, I WAS ASKED A QUES. THAT REQUIRED MORE THAN A YES/NO RESPONSE. I HAD 2 CHOICES: 1. I CAN APPEAR 2 BE RUDE & WAIT 2 ANSWER, SO IT SEEMS I’M IGNORING SOME1 WHO WAITS 4 A RESPONSE, BUT, MEANWHILE MY HEAD IS SHOUTING, "1 SECOND!" 2. ANSWER VIA ASL, THEN START AGAIN 2 DO WHAT I WAS TRYING 2 DO (IN THIS CASE, HIGHLIGHT TEXT).

STILL, I’M GLAD I HAVE 1 HAND (I WASN’T SUPPOSED 2) & MY RT. HAND AT THAT (DID U KNOW MY LEFT HAND, & NOT MY RT. HAND, USED 2 MOVE?). SO MUCH NEEDS MY RT. HAND (AT CHURCH & THANKFULLY, WHILE SLIGHTLY AMBIDEXTROUS, I WAS RT. HAND DOMINANT SO I DIDN’T HAVE 2 START FROM SCRATCH 2 LEARN 2 WRITE & TYPE)!

PBA WEEK

THE OTHER WEEK WAS A PBA WEEK. I WAS ON THIN ICE ALREADY, AFTER MY COMP. VIRUS & FROM FIGHTING A "PITY PARTY," THEN HAVING 2 WAIT 4 OTHERS, WHICH ONLY I SAW THE URGENT-NESS & EVERY PASSING MINUTE COULD RESULT IN A LOST STUFF VALUABLE 2 ME!

USUALLY, I DO PRETTY WELL CONTROLLING IT, BUT THIS LAST WEEK, I WAS BOMBARDED BY STRONG ENOTIONS, & ANY EMOTION, BIG OE SMALL, CAUSES LAUGHTER OR TEARS. MY WORLD CAN APPEAR SHATTERED, & I'M FINE, PROUD, OR SHOWING RELIEF. IF I'M SOOTHED, IT CAN ME CAN MAKE IT WORSE, AS TEARS OF EMBARRASSMENT R SHED. MARK KNOWS THIS ALL 2 WELL, & PROB. APPEARS HEARTLESS AT TIMES, AS HE SEEMS 2 LET ME WORK IT OUT ALONE, THOUGH I ACTUALLY APPRECIATE IT. BY GOING AGAINST HUMAN NATURE 2 SOOTHE UNCONTROLLED LAUGHTER OR TEARS, HE'S ACTUALLY HELPING ME!

BUT SOMETIMES THE OUTCOME DOESN'T PORTRAY HOW I FEEL. (LIKE, I CAN BE FURIOUS, BUT C A SMILE THAT TRIGGERS A LAUGH, WHICH CAN BE VERY FRUSTRATING!) I SEEN AN EASY EMOTIONAL TARGET 2 READ, UNTIL THIS HAPPENS!

I THINK THE FACT I CAN VISUALIZE SOMETHING, EVEN IF IT HASN'T HAPPENED, CAN MAKE MY PBA WORSE. IT ALSO HELPS 2 "PREP" 4 IT.

SO, HERE'S A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF TRIGGERS, RECENTLY:

1. I HAD A CLUE IT WOULD HAPPEN—IT'S BEEN SO LONG—BUT NO IDEA WHEN IT'D HAPPEN: I WAS FINALLY RELEASED FROM MY CALLING AT CHURCH! FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS, I HAVE BEEN AN ASST. ACTIVITY DAY LEADER (I PLANNED & DID A MID-WEEK ACTIVITY 2X/MONTH 4 GIRLS WHO R 8 & 9 YEARS OLD, IN MY CASE–THOUGH IT STARTED 8-12 YEARS OLD). NOW, I’M WARD HISTORIAN, WHATEVER THAT MEANS! THEY EXPLAINED STUFF, BUT THE CALLING IS NEW 2 ME…I KNOW THE GIST (TAKE A BUNCH OF PICTURES, USE SCRAPBOOKING (MAYBE), USE R WARD WEBSITE, KEEP A RECORD OF LOTS—..), BUT HOW? I PREFER NOT 2 ATTEND ACTIVITIES (I CAN’T BE SOCIAL OR PARTICIPATE & JUST SIT IF THEY EAT), & I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE WHO’S EVEN IN R WARD, LET ALONE CHANGES IN CALLINGS!…

THE GOOD THING IS I NOW HAVE SOMETHING 2 DO AT ACTIVITIES (TAKE PICS, BUT I NEED A HORN OR SOMETHING IF STOOD IN FRONT OF) & MARK IS WARD CLERK, SO HE KNOWS STUFF I’M CLUELESS ABOUT.

2. 8/8 WAS MY B-DAY. B4 MY STROKE I WAS A CAKE DECORATOR. MARK HAS KEPT THAT ALIVE & REALLY DEVELOPED THAT TALENT. EVEN IF I WAS WELL, I'LL ADMIT I COULDN'T MAKE THAT CAKE, AS IT USED A WOOD STAND (SO HE HAD 2 USE HIS WOODWORKING TALENT, WHICH I NEVER HAD!)

I LOVE DR. SEUESS, SO THERE WAS A DR. SEUESS THEME. EVER READ THE CAT IN THE HAT? ALL THESE CRAZY "THINGS" COME OUT THE HAT. I WAS THE CAT. THANKS 2 SHIRTS BOUGHT AT R REUNION, ALL NIECES & NEPHEWS WERE "THINGS."

3. 8/9—MY FRIENDS GAVE ME A SURPRISE B-DAY PARTY. I WAS REALLY SURPRISED! TURNED , SINCE I'D HAD COMPUTER PROBLEMS & HAVE ISOLATED MYSELF (WHICH I STILL SHOULD, BUT CAN’T HANDLE MORE). I WAS WAITING 4 A BACK-UP THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE AT 6 PM, BUT TOOK ALL NITE. PLUS, I NEEDED IT–I WAS GRUMPY ON MY B-DAY.

cake

things

THURS.

IN JR. HIGH, WE WERE ASKED 2 RUN A MILE AT THE BEG. & END OF THE YEAR. R GRADE WAS BASED OFF R IMPROVEMENT. GYM WAS NOT MY FORTE, BUT I WANTED STRAIGHT A'S. SO 2 ENSURE AN "A", THE 1ST 1 I WALKED (& JOGGED IF I SAW THE TEACHER). THE 2ND I REALLY RAN. REMEMBER THIS: "MY KIDS PUSH ME—I WON'T LIE—THERE R DAYS I FEEL DONE TRYING, BUT THEN I REMEMBER THINGS LIKE A CARD FROM ZACH 2 KEEP EXERCISING, OR A WISH 2 SANTA THAT I CAN WALK". NOW, EVERYTIME I TRY 2 "WALK," MY “PERSONAL TRAINER” (MARK) WON’T LET ME! I THINK MY 1ST 30 YRS. OF LIFE, I "WALKED," SO I BETTER "RUN" NOW!

IT’S ME!

HAVE BEEN BUSY DEALING W/A COMP. VIRUS & ITS AFTER-AFFECTS SINCE LAST WED. 4 ME, IT IS LIKE LOSING MY PHONE, PURSE, PLANNER & WALLET. BUT EVEN MORE FRUSTRATING, WAS THAT IF I NEEDED HELP, IT WAS NEVER WHEN I WANTED IT, AS NO1 SITS WAITING 4 MY BECK & CALL (IT’D DRIVE ME CRAZY ANYHOW!) LIFE WENT ON AS NORMAL 2, SO IF I WANTED 2 HURRY DOWN 2 MY COMP. IN THE MORNING, 1ST I HAD 2 ENDURE MORNING ROUTINES (SO, IF I WOKE AT 4 AM, I DIDN’T C MY COMP. UNTIL 9/10 AM! BUT THE BENEFIT WAS THAT DURING THOSE QUIET EARLY MORNING HOURS, I WOULD DISCOVER SOLUTIONS 2 TRY OUT).

ON A BETTER NOTE, DESPITE MILD CONGESTION & ABOUT 2 COUGHING FITS/DAY, I’M RELATIVELY HEALTHY. WHEN I WAS SICK, I HAD AN UPPER RESPIRATORY THING. I WAS TOLD IT LASTS A MONTH. SO ABOUT 2X/DAY, I BUILD UP 2 A COUGH.

ANYWAY, 4 OTHERS, JUST A BAD COUGH. 4 ME, W/NO TRACHE, IT COULD BECOME SERIOUS, EVEN DEADLY. 2 SUNDAYS AGO, I FELT FINE, BUT ONLY WENT 2 SACRAMENT (THE 1ST HR. OF 3 HRS.AT CHURCH, SINCE I WAS W/MY FAM. THAT HR.). I FELT FINE, BUT KNEW OTHERS WOULD FREAK, ESP. SINCE I CAN’T COVER MY MOUTH.

BEEN THINKING. I BEIEVE IT TAKES CERTAIN PEOPLE 2 BE CAREGIVERS OF ANY DISABILITY & ALSO 2 BE A STROKE SURVIVOR. MY STUBBORNESS & MY STRONG WILL 2 BE HEALTHY & ALIVE R TRAITS NEEDED 2 BE A STROKE SURVIVOR. AS 4 CAREGIVERS, IT HELPED ME THIS WEEK THAT MARK SEEMED 2 POSSESS COMP. KNOWLEDGE I DID NOT HAVE. BUT THE CHARACTER TRAIT I WILL COMMENT ON THAT MARK POSSESSES IS ABUNDANCE IN HIS CREATIVITY. HE IS NEVER CONTENT 2 SIMPLY MAINTAIN THE STATUS QUO. REGARDING MY CARE. HE IS CONSTANTLY INVENTING NEW & BETTER WAYS OF DOING THINGS (LIKE, I HAVE A COMP. DESK I CAN JUST ROLL INTO & BE COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT W/1 THING –QUITE THE FEAT, CONSIDERING MY VERY LIMITED CAPABILTIES). HE HAS INVENTED DIFFERENT ITEMS THAT I THINK COULD BE PATENTED THAT HAVE MADE HIS CARING FOR ME & THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE SO MUCH BETTER. I HAVE NOTICED SEVERAL CAREGIVERS OF VARIOUS DISABILITIES HAVE THIS SAME TRAIT, & BECAUSE OF IT, NO1 UNDERSTANDS ME LIKE MARK DOES!