GRATITUDE

IN OCT. 2010, THE LDS PROPHET, PRES. MONSON SAID, “My brothers and sisters, do we remember to give thanks for the blessings we receive? Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love.”

I RECENTLY TOLD THE TEENAGE GIRLS AT CHURCH THAT SHORTLY AFTER REGAINING THE ABILITY TO JOURNAL ON MY COMPUTER, MY FIRST FEW ENTRIES WERE MOSTLY NEGATIVE AND FOCUSED ON WHAT I COULD NOT DO AND ALL THE THINGS THAT MADE MY LIFE SO TERRIBLE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THOSE ENTRIES WERE NOT EXAMPLES OF OPTIMISM AND GRATITUDE. AFTER LETTING MY HUSBAND READ THESE JOURNAL ENTRIES, HE SUGGESTED SOMETHING I HAVE MENTIONED B4: THAT I COMPILE A LIST OF THE THINGS I WAS GRATEFUL FOR. WHEN ALMOST EVERYTHING THAT I HAD WAS TAKEN AWAY, IT WAS HARD TO THINK THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.
IT WAS A VERY DIFFICULT CHALLENGE FOR ME. IT WAS SO HARD TO THINK OF THE GOOD, AND NOT ABOUT THE BAD. I HAD TO START SMALL. VERY SMALL. AT FIRST IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT TO THINK ONLY ABOUT THE GOOD, AND DIS-REGARD THE NEGATIVE. HOWEVER, I RECOGNIZED THE BLESSINGS OF THE LDS PRIESTHOOD AND A LOVING FAMILY. ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS THAT WAS NOT AFFECTED WAS MY HEARING, SO I WAS BLESSED TO BE ABLE TO STILL ENJOY LISTENING TO MUSIC AND HEARING MY CHILDREN SING. I WAS WRITING THIS LIST ON MY OWN, SO I RECOGNIZED THAT I HAD REGAINED INDEPENDENCE THAT I WAS TOLD THAT I WOULD NEVER REGAIN. I GET GREAT PARKING NOW. I FEEL LIKE A QUEEN SINCE PEOPLE DO ALL THE MUNDANE TASKS FOR ME- LIKE FEEDING ME. IF I GET RUNS IN THE BACK OF MY NYLONS, PEOPLE CANNOT TELL SINCE THE WHEELCHAIR HIDES IT. I WAS GRATEFUL THAT I COULD USE SIGN LANGUAGE AND NOT HAVE TO BLINK TO COMMUNICATE ANYMORE (BUT I WAS THANKFUL FOR THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE BY BLINKING WHEN THAT WAS MY ONLY OPTION). I COULD STILL HELP MY KIDS WITH HOMEWORK. I GIVE THE BEST HUGS WHEN SOPHIA GETS HURT. PEOPLE TELL ME COOL SECRETS BECAUSE THEY THINK I WILL NOT AND CANNOT TELL ANYONE. I WAS GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE.
MY LIST GREW AS I BECAME MORE AWARE OF THE MANY, MANY BLESSINGS THAT EVEN A PERSON IN MY SITUATION HAD, AND I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND THAT I EASILY WROTE ABOUT 20 BLESSINGS THE FIRST ATTEMPT. IN TIME, IF THERE WAS SOMETHING I HATED, I SEARCHED FOR WHY THAT WAS A BLESSING, AND ADDED THAT 2 MY LIST. IT HAS BEEN 4 YEARS SINCE I FIRST BEGAN THIS LIST, AND I ADD TO IT ON A REGULAR BASIS. IN MAKING MY LIST, I HAVE LEARNED TO LOOK A DIFFERENT WAY ON MANY THINGS THAT MAKE MY SITUATION DIFFICULT. THINKING THIS WAY HELPS ME COPE BETTER WITH MY SITUATION, AND TO HELP ME SEE GOD’S HAND IN EVERYTHING I DO. JUST LIKE MY LIST, IT IS IMPORTANT TO DO THE SAME WITH YOUR FAMILIES, AND CLING TO THE THINGS YOU APPRECIATE AND LOVE ABOUT EACH FAMILY MEMBER.

SPEAKING OF GRATITUDE, & IN THE SPIRIT OF THANKSGIVING, I’M CURRENTLY THANKFUL 4 MY POWER WHEELCHAIR & MY VOICE. LAST WEEK MY WHEELCHAIR BROKE AGAIN (IT’S OLD), & THOUGH I’M EXTREMELY GRATEFUL 4 THIS EXTRA POWERCHAIR, I MISS MY “REGULAR” POWERCHAIR, & WILL BE GLAD 2 GET IT BACK 2DAY, AFTER BEING W/O IT FOR 6 DAYS!!

I ALSO LOST MY VOICE. (SOUNDS FUNNY COMING FROM ME, BUT I LOST WHAT LITTLE I’D REGAINED, & COULDN’T EVEN SAY MY KIDS NAMES.) IT WAS LIKE THE BEGINNING, IN 2004…I 4GOT HOW NICE IT IS 2 HAVE RE-GAINED EVEN A TINY BIT OF VOICE.

MOST RECENTLY, I AM THANKFUL BECAUSE I CAN MOVE MY BELLY VOLUNTARILY. IT IS ONLY A LITTLE, BUT IT IS SOMETHING. IF IT GETS STRONGER, I MAY BE ABLE TO BREATHE VOLUNTARILY. THEN I COULD FORCE AIR THROUGH MY VOCAL CORDS AND I COULD REGAIN THE ABILITY TO TALK. I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS SMALL MOVEMENT AND ALL OTHERS THAT WILL COME MY WAY.

I PREVIOUSLY JOURNALLED THESE:

• 11/7 WAS A “TALKING DAY” (I HAVE DAYS WHERE IT’S EASIER 2 TALK), & WITH WORDS, & NO SIGNING, I ASKED MY GIRLS,“WHAT R U DOING?” 1 OF THE GIRLS REPEATED MY QUESTION, 2 BE SURE I WAS UNDERSTOOD, & AFTER NODDING YES, SHE ANSWERED. I THEN POINTED & ASKED, “WHAT IS THAT?,” & THE OTHER GIRL REPEATED MY QUESTION, 2 BE SURE I WAS UNDERSTOOD AGAIN, & AFTER NODDING YES, SHE ANSWERED.

• ABOUT 2 WEEKS PREVIOUS 2 THAT, I TOLD MY MUSIC THERAPIST, “NO PIANO,” AS I POINTED AT MY PIANO, & SHOOK MY HEAD. SHE TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD ME! I WAS THRILLED! IT’S 1 THING 4 MY FAMILY 2 UNDERSTAND ME, OR A SPEECH THERAPIST, BUT IT’S ANOTHER 2 HAVE “USEFUL” CONVERSATION.

• 11/9 WAS ALSO EXCITING. THE GIRLS CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I ONLY SAW SOPH. NORMALLY, I HAVE 2 DROP WHAT I’M DOING, SO I CAN SIGN, “WHERE IS JESSICA?”, OR I KEEP WORKING & WONDERING! I CAN’T RECALL THE LAST TIME I KEPT WORKING, & SIMULTANEOUSLY ASKED A QUESTION, BUT EVERY NOW & THEN I TRY IT, JUST 4 FUN! ONLY THIS TIME, SOPH UNDERSTOOD ME, & ANSWERED! GRANTED, IT’S VERY POSSIBLE THAT SHE ONLY FIGURED OUT MY WORDS, DUE 2 THE CONTEXT, BUT IT FELT GOOD!

WHEN I 1ST LOST THE ABILITY TO SPEAK, I BEGAN BY BLINKING IN ORDER TO SPELL WORDS, THEN “GRADUATED” TO FINGER-SPELLING WORDS, & I CAN NOW SIGN SOME WORDS. THE FIRST SIGN WORD I LEARNED, WAS FOR THE WORD “THANK YOU.” I WAS THRILLED! IT FELT SO GOOD TO BE ABLE TO SAY “THANK YOU,” WHENEVER SOMEONE HELPED ME! I BELIEVE THAT IN ORDER TO LEARN GRATITUDE, WE NEED TO SAY, “THANK YOU.” LUCKILY, WHEN I LOST MY VOICE THIS TIME, I COULD STILL MOVE & SIGN “THANK YOU.”

HOWEVER, I FINALLY GOT MY VOICE BACK A LITTLE YESTERDAY, & CAN SAY MORE AGAIN. I WAS DELIGHTED THAT WHEN ZACH ASKED ME AFTER DINNER WHERE DAD WENT, I WAS ABLE 2 SAY “MAILBOX” CLEARLY, & BE UNDERSTOOD! EVEN ZACH WAS IMPRESSED!

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I KNOW I WILL!

HALLOWEEN

WE CELEBRATED HALLOWEEN SAT., AT OUR CHURCH’S TRUNK OR TREAT. THE ENTIRE FAMILY LOOKED GREAT (ZACH’S “COUCH POTATO” HAD A CHIPS BAG 2 COLLECT TREATS, JESS HAD KILLER SKELETON MAKE-UP, SOPH HAD GREAT HAIR & OUTFIT, MK WAS A HANDSOME KNIGHT, & I WAS A QUEEN IN HER THRONE)..

AS 4 ME: THERE R JUST SO MANY COSTUMES THAT R COOL & UNIQUE 2 A W/C, I’M LIKE A LITTLE KID, WHO MISSED THEIR CHILDHOOD, SO I HAVE A HARD TIME NOT DOING THEM. I WAS GOING 2 DRESS IN SOMETHING SIMPLE, BUT MERELY MENTIONED THAT I WANTED 2 BE A QUEEN IN HER THRONE (I JOKE I AM 1, SINCE I’M FED, POTTIED, SPECIAL ACCOMODATIONS R MADE 4 ME, ETC.–IT’S A LOT MORE FUN 2 THINK THAT WAY, INSTEAD OF ANY OTHER WAY!), & MK WENT OUT & MADE IT. HE BLEW ME AWAY–IT WAS WAY MORE ELABORATE & BEAUTIFUL THAN I HAD EXPECTED! I’M 1 LUCKY GIRL!

& NOTICE, MK WAS A KNIGHT, NOT A KING. VERY APPROPRIATE, SINCE KNIGHTS SERVE THE QUEEN! LOL &, IF I NEED HELP OR AM SCARED, MK COMES 2 MY RESCUE, & MY HEAD ALWAYS IS SAYING THXS 2 MY “KNIGHT IN SHING ARMOR”-I REALLY CALL HIM THAT!

I TOTALLY ALSO WANTED A RED CARPET OR ROSE PETALS ON MY RAMP, BUT NO 1 WOULD C IT, SO, I WAS SATISFIED BY THE TREATS BEING PLACED AT MY FEET, SO EVERY1 HAD 2 KNEEL B4 THE QUEEN–LOL

I’M ALIVE!

SORRY I HAVEN’T BEEN 2 CHATTY… I HAVE BEEN CRAZY BUSY. IN ADDITION 2 WHAT I DID IN JUNE (WENT 2 A WEDDING 4 MY YOUNGEST SIBLING, MIKE,IN UTAH & WENT 2 IDAHO), I’VE GOTTEN READY 4 MY 13 YR. OLD SON, ZACH’S, EAGLE COURT OF HONOR (& MADE ABOUT 100 SCRAPBOOK PAGES), WENT 2 MY SIS., MISSY’S WEDDING IN VERMONT, AS THE MATRON OF HONOR, WENT 2 DALLAS 4 A WEEK-END W/NO COMPUTER, & THERE’S BEEN LOTS IN BETWEEN…I’M SLOWLY GETTING BACK 2 “NORMAL,” & I NEED 2 GET BACK AMONG THE LIVING…SO I AM NOW PLAYING CATCH-UP!

2 ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT ZACH’S EAGLE COURT OF HONOR:

I DIDN’T REALIZE ANY1 COULD GET THEIR EAGLE B4 THEY WERE 14 YRS. OLD, & PRE-STROKE I MADE PLANS 2 SCRAPBOOK 4 ZACH’S EAGLE. & UNFORTUNATELY, SINCE THIS WAS THE ONLY ATTAINABLE PRE-STROKE GOAL, I WAS PRETTY DETERMINED 2 DO IT!

YACKTMAN’S CAN’T DO BIG EVENTS W/O STRESS, SO SINCE I’M 1 (THAT’S MY MAIDEN NAME), & I CAN’T BE HAPPY DOING JUST A LITTLE BIT, I HAD 2 CREATE MY OWN STRESS, BY ACCOMPLISHING THAT PRE-STROKE GOAL BY SCRAPPING 3 ALBUMS: ZACH’S CUB, BOY, & EAGLE SCOUT STUFF. MAYBE I’LL POST AT LEAST 1 CUB SCOUT, 1 BOY SCOUT, & 1 EAGLE SCOUT PG., OR I’LL POST AT LEAST SOME PICS OF THE EVENTS!

THOUGH I HURRIED 2 MAKE LOTS OF SCRAPBOOK PAGES IN 2 MONTHS, ALMOST EVEY SUPPLY 4 MY SCRAPBOOKS WAS BOUGHT PRE-STROKE, WHEN I SCRAPBOOKED TRADITIONALLY, & SCANNED IN. I HAD BEEN ORGANIZING & PLANNING 4 YEARS, BUT B4 MY STROKE, I THOUGHT I HAD 2-6 MORE YRS. 2 DO IT , BUT INSTEAD HAD A FEW MONTHS 2 DO ABOUT 100 PAGES! LOL BUT SINCE ORGANIZING IS MOST OF THE BATTLE, I WAS ABLE 2 PULL IT OFF, SINCE I DID THE HARDEST PART B4!

BUT LET ME GIVE A PLUG 2 http://www.sbtoshare.com , WHO PRINTED MY PAGES IN A HURRY. I CAN’T BEGIN 2 SAY HOW AWESOME THEY ARE!

AFTER ZACH’S SCRAPBOOKS, I WAS ASKED IF THINGS EVER START TO SLOW DOWN A LITTLE…LOL HA. NEVER. I GO FROM 1 THING 2 ANOTHER. I ALWAYS FIND A WAY 2 STRESS! I’M GETTING BETTER: I USED 2 GO CRAZY W/O STUFF 2 KEEP ME BUSY! NOW, I’M BETTER AT RELAXING, TAKING A MOMENT 2 STOP, ETC. BUT IF THOSE TIMES COME, I DON’T KNOW WHAT 2 DO W/MYSELF, & IT NEVER LASTS LONG! EVEN ASW/MY PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS, I ALWAYS HAVE 2 MANY THINGS GOING ON SIMUTANEOUSLY, SO I DON’T START & FINISH, BUT AM LIKE THE ENERGIZER BUNNY, WHO KEEPS GOING & GOING…

BTW, I HAVEN’T COMPLETELY 4GOTTEN U: I RECENTLY ADDED SOME THINGS 2 MY WEBSITE:
• A BOOK
• A BOOK DESCRIPTION
• A “CONTACT ME” PAGE
• AN ASL SECTION, SO PEOPLE CAN “BRUSH UP” ON THEIR “JENNY-ESE” NOW (& MY OWN HAND DID THE ASL CHART)!

SO MY CHAIR WAS BROKEN SUN. NIGHT-WED. MORNING. AFTER 6 YEARS, A W/C BECOMES A PART OF U, SO I FELT A PART OF ME WAS MISSING. IT WAS LESS PAINFUL 2 HAVE GONE THIS TIME, BUT “U NEVER KNOW WHAT’S GONE UNTIL IT’S GONE”, THOUGH! 6 YRS. AGO, I LOST MY VOICE & THE USE OF MY BODY. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT A BLESSING THAT WAS, OR THAT I COULD LOSE THEM. ONLY IN SLOWLY AQUIRING SOME OF IT BACK, HAVE I REALIZED THE ENORMOUS BLESSING.

LONG STORY SHORT, BY A FLUKE & PROMPTING, I FOUND A TRAVEL FOLDING POWER W/C ON EBAY, DIRT CHEAP (LIKE $150) IT NEEDED LOTS OF SMALL REPAIRS & A BATTERY. BUT STILL SPENT ONLY LIKE $600 TO BUY, SHIP, & GET A HEADREST–& USED CHAIRS R $1500-2500 ON EBAY! ONLY BAD THING: IT STANK OF SMOKE & WON’T TILT (& I TILT 2 HELP ME EAT, & RELIEVE PRESSURE ON MY BUTT. I ALSO TILT WHEN I NEED 2 POTTY & HAVE 2 WAIT, WHEN I WATCH MOVIES, & WHEN I LISTEN 2 AUDIO BOOKS–IT’S VERY TAXING 2 SIT UPRIGHT ALL DAY: IN THE HOSPITAL, I COULD ONLY HANDLE A FEW HRS. AT FIRST, & I WAS TILTED, SINCE I HAD LESS CORE MUSCLES!)

I GOT THE FOLDING, TRAVEL, POWER W/C 4 VERMONT—WE WERE FLYING, & WHEN I FLY, I’M STUCK IN A MANUAL W/C (WHICH I DETEST, BCUZ I CAN’T MOVE MYSELF, & GO BACK 2 SQUARE 1, LOSING ALL INDEPENDENCE THAT I’VE GAINED). HOWEVER, IT HAS COME IN VERY, VERY HANDY AS A BACK-UP, WHILE MY CHAIR IS BEING REPAIRED. IT HAS IT’S DRAWBACKS, BUT HOW GREAT 2 NOT BE IN MY MANUAL W/C 4 DAYS!

IN MY REGULAR POWER W/C, I RAREY TILT JUST 2 TILT, YET I CRAVE IT ALL THE TIME! WHILE I THINK I USE THE TILT FUNCTION MORE THAN I REALIZE, I WANT WHAT I CAN’T HAVE! ISN’T THAT HUST HUMAN NATURE?

BAD DAYS

A FEW DAYS AGO, I’D SAY I WAS GREAT. NOW IT’S GETTING HARDER, & ALL THE KIDS’ ACTIVITIES ARE DONE. IN JUNE WE WENT 2 IDAHO & UTAH, & HAD FUN. I HAD A MINOR OUTPATIENT SURGERY IN JULY.THE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN SUPER ROUGH. I’M EITHER FIGHTING A PITY PARTY, OR NEEDING 2 WITHDRAW & BE UTTERLY ALONE (HARD 2 DO IN MY SHOES!), ETC.

WE ALL HAVE BAD DAYS, ME INCLUDED!

I ISOLATE MYSELF ON BAD DAYS, & REFUSE 2 POST, BECAUSE I DON’T TRUST WHAT I TYPE–I TEND 2 REGRET IT L8R… I DON’T TRUST ME! I HAVE POSTED THAT ROUGH DAYS EXIST, BUT NEVER EXPAND ON IT…

HOWEVER, I RECENTLY READ A Change in the Weather by Mark McEwen, & TOTALLY RELATED 2 A STATEMENT HE MADE. IT HAS THIS QUOTE ABOUT HOW Mark McEwen FELT, IMMEDIATELY AFTER A STROKE

“Emotionally, I was a little all over the place. Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to be alive, given the events that had played out in my brain, and blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends and family. I understood that, even though everything else was a muddle. I also understood that I was determined to work my way back to how I was. But underneath all that, I was also scared and stubborn and tentative and confused. And probably a little angry too. It was a strange mix of emotions, and what was particularly unsettling was that I was unable to articulate what I was feeling. I can’t stress this enough; there was no place to deposit all those runaway emotions, because my body wasn’t working good enough to put them into words and download them onto someone else. So there was a kind of bubbling frustration going on inside my head. It felt like I was about to burst. Typically, Denise and I would talk about everything; whatever we were facing, whatever we were worried about, we’d deal with it together. But here I couldn’t even manage to tell her what was on my mind. It was a maddening thing; to be so plugged in at certain moments to what was happening; and yet at the same time, to be so hopelessly unable to express myself. It’s like I was watching my life play out behind a 2-way mirror from a sound-proof room; like I was there and not there all at the same time. I was a participant and an observer all at once. I could see and hear and understand everything that was going on around me, but it was hard to get anyone else to see or hear or understand me. This was a huge handicap, let me tell you, and I wasn’t at all prepared for it!”

THOUGH IT’S BEEN 6 YEARS, I CAN STILL FEEL THAT WAY SOMEDAYS, BUT ON THOSE DAYS, I’M SO VERY GRATEFUL 4 THE GOSPEL KNOWLEDGE I HAVE, & MY BELIEF IN CHRIST. I BELIEVE THAT CHRIST UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL, EVEN IF I CAN’T EXPRESS MYSELF. THIS GIVES ME A GLIMMER OF HOPE, EVEN ON THE WORST OF DAYS.

IN ADDITION, I WAS “SUPERMOM” B4 MY STROKE, & DID SO MUCH. IT KILLED ME 2 SIT STILL–I EVEN HAD A BAG 2 KEEP ME BUSY IF I WATCHED TV, & LAUNDRY WAS DONE. BUT THE STROKE ALSO FORCED ME 2 STOP…U CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW BAD I WAS THE 1ST FEW DAYS, AS I SAT THERE WANTING 2 DO STUFF, BUT COULDN’T!

BUT IT FORCED ME 2 C WHAT WAS IMPORTANT. ALL I DID WAS GREAT & ALL, BUT WE SURVIVED W/O IT. IT STILL HAD MEANING–LIKE KEEPING A JOURNAL, SOMETHING I VALUE–BUT IT LOST IMPORTANCE. MOST IMPORTANT WAS MY FAMILY. IF NOTHING ELSE REMAINED, MY FAMILY MATTERED.

EVERY NOW & THEN, AS I GAIN INDEPENDENCE, I NEED THAT REMINDER, & THINK, “AH, THE GOOD OL’ DAYS!” THEN I AM REMINDED, HOW BAD CAN IT BE 2 BE REDUCED TO A LIFE OF READING, WRITING, PONDERING, AND MEDITATION. AS A FRIEND SAID,”SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT! “

P.S. ZACH’S HOME 2NIGHT FROM THE 100TH ANN. BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE IN VIRGINIA. HE’S AN EAGLE SCOUT NOW, BUT HIS CEREMONY IS IN SEPT.