BAD DAYS

A FEW DAYS AGO, I’D SAY I WAS GREAT. NOW IT’S GETTING HARDER, & ALL THE KIDS’ ACTIVITIES ARE DONE. IN JUNE WE WENT 2 IDAHO & UTAH, & HAD FUN. I HAD A MINOR OUTPATIENT SURGERY IN JULY.THE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN SUPER ROUGH. I’M EITHER FIGHTING A PITY PARTY, OR NEEDING 2 WITHDRAW & BE UTTERLY ALONE (HARD 2 DO IN MY SHOES!), ETC.

WE ALL HAVE BAD DAYS, ME INCLUDED!

I ISOLATE MYSELF ON BAD DAYS, & REFUSE 2 POST, BECAUSE I DON’T TRUST WHAT I TYPE–I TEND 2 REGRET IT L8R… I DON’T TRUST ME! I HAVE POSTED THAT ROUGH DAYS EXIST, BUT NEVER EXPAND ON IT…

HOWEVER, I RECENTLY READ A Change in the Weather by Mark McEwen, & TOTALLY RELATED 2 A STATEMENT HE MADE. IT HAS THIS QUOTE ABOUT HOW Mark McEwen FELT, IMMEDIATELY AFTER A STROKE

“Emotionally, I was a little all over the place. Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to be alive, given the events that had played out in my brain, and blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends and family. I understood that, even though everything else was a muddle. I also understood that I was determined to work my way back to how I was. But underneath all that, I was also scared and stubborn and tentative and confused. And probably a little angry too. It was a strange mix of emotions, and what was particularly unsettling was that I was unable to articulate what I was feeling. I can’t stress this enough; there was no place to deposit all those runaway emotions, because my body wasn’t working good enough to put them into words and download them onto someone else. So there was a kind of bubbling frustration going on inside my head. It felt like I was about to burst. Typically, Denise and I would talk about everything; whatever we were facing, whatever we were worried about, we’d deal with it together. But here I couldn’t even manage to tell her what was on my mind. It was a maddening thing; to be so plugged in at certain moments to what was happening; and yet at the same time, to be so hopelessly unable to express myself. It’s like I was watching my life play out behind a 2-way mirror from a sound-proof room; like I was there and not there all at the same time. I was a participant and an observer all at once. I could see and hear and understand everything that was going on around me, but it was hard to get anyone else to see or hear or understand me. This was a huge handicap, let me tell you, and I wasn’t at all prepared for it!”

THOUGH IT’S BEEN 6 YEARS, I CAN STILL FEEL THAT WAY SOMEDAYS, BUT ON THOSE DAYS, I’M SO VERY GRATEFUL 4 THE GOSPEL KNOWLEDGE I HAVE, & MY BELIEF IN CHRIST. I BELIEVE THAT CHRIST UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL, EVEN IF I CAN’T EXPRESS MYSELF. THIS GIVES ME A GLIMMER OF HOPE, EVEN ON THE WORST OF DAYS.

IN ADDITION, I WAS “SUPERMOM” B4 MY STROKE, & DID SO MUCH. IT KILLED ME 2 SIT STILL–I EVEN HAD A BAG 2 KEEP ME BUSY IF I WATCHED TV, & LAUNDRY WAS DONE. BUT THE STROKE ALSO FORCED ME 2 STOP…U CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW BAD I WAS THE 1ST FEW DAYS, AS I SAT THERE WANTING 2 DO STUFF, BUT COULDN’T!

BUT IT FORCED ME 2 C WHAT WAS IMPORTANT. ALL I DID WAS GREAT & ALL, BUT WE SURVIVED W/O IT. IT STILL HAD MEANING–LIKE KEEPING A JOURNAL, SOMETHING I VALUE–BUT IT LOST IMPORTANCE. MOST IMPORTANT WAS MY FAMILY. IF NOTHING ELSE REMAINED, MY FAMILY MATTERED.

EVERY NOW & THEN, AS I GAIN INDEPENDENCE, I NEED THAT REMINDER, & THINK, “AH, THE GOOD OL’ DAYS!” THEN I AM REMINDED, HOW BAD CAN IT BE 2 BE REDUCED TO A LIFE OF READING, WRITING, PONDERING, AND MEDITATION. AS A FRIEND SAID,”SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT! “

P.S. ZACH’S HOME 2NIGHT FROM THE 100TH ANN. BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE IN VIRGINIA. HE’S AN EAGLE SCOUT NOW, BUT HIS CEREMONY IS IN SEPT.

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