I’M HERE STILL!

IT’S BEEN AWHILE, & I HAVE 4 REASONS WHY. & SINCE THE KIDS ARE BEING ENTERTAINED BY MK’S PARENTS, I THOUGHT I’D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THHE EXTRA TYPING TIME 2 SHARE WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON:

1. I TRIED OUT A NEW MEDICINE, BUT IT MADE ME SO TIRED, THAT FOR 4 DAYS I COULDN’T EVEN DO THERAPY OR TYPE! (EVEN IF I’M SICK, I CAN TYPE A LITTLE!) MY “HELPER,” ANGIE, BRINGS HER BABY/TODDLER TO WORK (WHO I LOVE 2 BITS!), & I JUST LEANED BACK & LET HIM ENTERTAIN ME, WHILE ANGIE WORKED! LOL
2. I’VE BEEN RESEARCHING & TYPING A YW LESSON INSTEAD…I TEACH THIS SUNDAY, & THERE WAS SOME CONFUSION, SO I ENDED UP PLANNING 2 LESSONS!
3. I’VE BEEN ENJOYING SOME NEW-FOUND INDEPENDENCE, SO I AM ON THE COMPUTER LESS, DOING THESE THINGS:
• I CAN NOW FEED MYSELF MOST THINGS, WITH OR W/O UTENSILS (I PREFER MY HANDS, BUT I DID PRE-STROKE TOO!)
• I CAN USUALLY MOVE MY OWN BUTT RIGHT, BACK, OR 4WARD (I “STEER” W/MY HEAD)
• I DRY DISHES, CLEAN COUNTERS & DRAWERS, CLOSE CABINETS, & MOVE LIGHT-WEIGHT FURNITURE
• I PUT IN & TAKE OUT CDS, THUMBDRIVES, & MEMORY CARDS ON MY COMPUTER
• MY WORDS ARE GETTING SO CLEAR THAT OTHERS UNDERSTAND ME!
• SOMETIMES I CAN LIFT & MOVE MY LEGS RIGHT
• I’M GETTING STRONGER: IF LAYING (THOUGH IT CAN BE DIFFICULT), I CAN RAISE MY LEFT ARM OVER MY HEAD W/THE USE OF MY RIGHT ARM
• I CAN UNWRAP CERTAIN THINGS (LIKE THINGS TWISTED CLOSED, SEALED WITH A TYPE OF LIGHTER “FOIL”, ETC.)
• I CAN LEAN 4WARD & SCRATCH MY ANKLE,, ADJUST A SOCK, OR RETRIEVE THINGS THAT FELL & LANDED ON MY FOOTREST
4. I NEED 2 FIND MY NEW BALANCE! I OPENED UP A FACEBOOK (FB) & PINTREST ACCOUNT. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HOW I’D SPEND MY TIME ON BOTH, KNOWING I MIGHT LIKE THEM, & SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THEM (INSTEAD OF DOING THINGS W/MY FAMILY), SO I AVOIDED JOINING FB & PINTREST. HOWEVER, IN TRYING 2 DO MY CHURCH CALLING BETTER (WHERE I TEACH TEENAGE GIRLS), & SO I COULD CONNECT BETTER W/EXTENDED FAMILY & MY TEENS, I FINALLY GAVE IN, & JOINED FB, & I DECIDED THAT IF I WAS GIVING IN TO ONE, I MIGHT AS WELL DO BOTH, & GET IT OVER WITH! LOL

THE 1ST FEW DAYS WERE BAD! LUCKILY, THOUGH, I HAD “PREPPED” BY READING A CHURCH ARTICLE, SO I WAS AWARE WHEN I WAS SPENDING WAY TOO LONG ON THERE, HAVING A BETTER RELATIONSHIP W/MY KEYBOARD. & I KNEW WHAT I NEEDED TO DO 2 FIGHT IT…THERE ARE SOME GREAT STROKE SUPPORT GROUPS ON FB, & I LOVED FEELING MORE INVOLVED IN THE LIVES OF FAMILY & FRIENDS, BUT BEING PART OF THEIR VIRTUAL LIVES, IS NOT THE SAME AS FACE-2-FACE, & I DO GET LONELY, EVEN THOUGH I’M “TALKING” 2 PEOPLE!

I REALIZED THAT AFTER I JOINED FB, I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME “SQUEEZING IN” ANYTHING SPIRITUAL INTO MY DAY, BUT I WAS MAKING ROOM 4 FB JUST FINE! SO, I MADE A NEW COMMITMENT THAT I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING ON FB UNTIL I’VE READ THE SCRIPTURES OR THE CHURCH MAGAZINE, THE ENSIGN….& I’M JUST STUBBORN ENOUGH 2 DO IT, & 2 FORCE MYSELF 2 STAY COMMITTED! LOL

I GO THROUGH SPURTS READING MY SCRIPTURES, & AT 1ST, IT MOTIVATED ME ENOUGH 2 READ ANYTIME OF DAY (I USE READTHESCRIPTURES.COM, BECUZ THEY DAILY SEND YOUR SCRIPTURE READING FOR THE DAY, IN AN EMAIL, & I GO ONLINE, SO IT CAN BE ENLARGED, HIGHLIGHTED, & READ ALOUD). NOW, WHEN MY HUBBY TEACHES SEMINARY, I READ EVERY MORN., WHILE HE TEACHES.

BUT, I FELT GUILTY IF I READ MY SCRIPTURES FOR 15 MIN., & THEN SAID THAT I’M FREE TO SPEND HOURS ON FB! SO, I WANTED 2 TRY TO BE FAIR, & READ SOMETHING SPIRITUAL EVERYTIME, BEFORE I EVER GET ON FB. IT WAS EXHAUSTING, BUT WORKED WELL!

HOWEVER, I STILL CAN’T SEEM 2 FIND A GOOD BALANCE W/FB OR PINTREST—EITHER I’M ON TOO MUCH, OR I AVOID IT, SO I WILL ACCOMPLISH OTHER THINGS, & AM HARDLY EVER ON. LATELY, I PREFER 2 NOT BE ON, BECUZ I ACCOMPLISH LESS WHEN I’M ON, & I DID FINE W/O FB B4! PINTREST IS A BIT STICKIER, BECUZ I DO NOT BROWSE—JUST THE INITIAL SET-UP IS TIME-CONSUMING, BUT BOTH FB & PINTREST CAN EAT UP YOUR TIME!

I THINK THE KEY IS TO JUST DO THESE AS A “REWARD” OR SOMETHING, ALLOTTING THE TIME 4 OTHER THINGS THAT KEEP U BALANCED (& FOR ME, I NEED TO WORK ON MY SPIRITUAL SIDE, AS MUCH AS MY EMOTIONAL SIDE!)

HALLOWEEN


A QUICK NOTE ABOUT HALLOWEEN:

I WAS NOT IN THE HALLOWEEN SPIRIT THIS YEAR, BUT I WANTED 2 DO SOMETHING! SO, I WAS A SALON CLIENT: MY HAIR & NAILS WERE 1/2 DONE, LIKE I WAS AT A SALON, GETTING IT DONE–THE 1 PINK NAIL ON MY RIGHT HAND WAS PRETTY FUNNY WHEN I SIGNED…! BUT IT WAS TOO COLD FOR THE FOOT BATH (FILLED W/ COTTON BALLS), & I WAS UNABLE 2 GET THE GREEN MASK, 4 A FACIAL.

ZACH WAS A TREE (AWESOME, HUH?!?). JESS WAS GLIMMER FROM THE HUNGER GAMES, WHEN SHE DIED FROM THE TRACKER JACKERS (CAN U SEE BEES STUCK 2 HER?). & SOPH WAS AN IPOD.

THE PICTURE ISN’T GREAT, BUT BETTER THAN NOTHING…

THE TEEN YEARS ARE HERE!

AN UPDATE: ZACH IS NOW A SOPHOMORE, LEARNING THE PROPER WAY 2 SIGN (NOT “JENNY-ESE”), & DRIVING. JESS IS IN 7TH GRADE, & SOPH IS IN 5TH GRADE. NEXT YEAR, I’LL HAVE NO BABIES IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! IT IS KILLING ME THAT I NO LONGER HAVE MY BABIES, WHO RESPECT ME, JUST BECUZ MY NAME IS “MOM.”

I LOVE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL–HECK, I TAUGHT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! MY BABIES NEED 2 STOP GROWING! I’M NOT GOOD AT THIS TEENAGE THING, & IT’S REQUIRING ME 2 FIGURE OUT WHERE I STAND (AS A MOM) ALL OVER AGAIN…WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG, IT WAS HARD THEN, TOO, BUT I FOUND OUT THAT THEY JUST LIKED ME THERE, & LOVED ME REGARDLESS OF WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF… LUCKILY, SOPH IS STILL YOUNG ENOUGH…SHE WAVERS, & HAS HER PRE-TEEN MOMENTS, BUT SHE USUALLY IS STILL HER MOM’S ADVOCATE!

BUT NOW IT’S A NEW BOAT. THE KIDS ARE GETTING OLDER, WHICH MEANS THEY NOT ONLY NOTICE MY WEAKNESSES, & ALTHOUGH I AM NOT A GREAT “TEEN PARENT,” I THINK I AM A DECENT PARENT (LUCKILY MY HUSBAND CAN HELP ME DO BETTER—A HUGE BLESSING 4 ME). YET I KNOW THE KIDS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SITUATION—IT IS ONLY NATURAL! BUT IT DOESN’T HELP THE FACT THAT I CAN’T MAKE THEM DO ANYTHING, & CAN’T GIVE ANY SORT OF PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT (I’M JUST WORDS…& I CAN’T EVEN SCREAM, TO SHOW HOW MAD I FEEL–I CAN ONLY CRY, & THEY DON’T CARE IF I CRY!).

NOT THAT MY KIDS ARE BAD! I ACTUALLY AM SUPER BLESSED W/GREAT KIDS, SO WHEN THEY ACT UP, A LITTLE THING LOOKS BIG! BUT THEY ARE JUST EXPLORING THEIR INDEPENDENCE, & I KNOW THAT! THAT IS NOTHING DIFFERENT FROM OTHER TEENS, BUT MY KIDS HAVE AN ADDITIONAL, UNIQUE, ASPECT—A DIS-ABLED, HELPLESS PARENT! (IT IS VERY AWKWARD 2 DISCIPLINE, & THEN ASK 4 HELP!) LOL

SOMETIMES, TOO, I AM GLAD I HAVE A VOICE, SO I CAN FORCE THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE, INSTEAD OF IGNORE, ME (“HI!,” “BYE!,” “GOODMORNING!,” “HOW ARE U?,” “HOW WAS YOUR DAY?,” “HAVE A GOOD DAY!”) BUT IT IS ALSO GOOD THAT ONLY THEY UNDERSTAND ME, WHEN I SAY THINGS LIKE “I LOVE U!” (YEARS AGO, I TAUGHT THEM A “LOVE SQUEEZE,” HOPING THAT WHEN THEY WERE TEENS, I COULD SQUEEZE THEIR HAND, & W/O SAYING A WORD, THEY’D KNOW I LOVED THEM…BUT, THAT BACKFIRED…I CAN’T GRAB THEIR HANDS UNLESS THEY ARE RIGHT NEXT 2 ME…& IT JUST ISN’T COOL BEING BY YOUR MOM, & EVEN MORESO BY YOUR DIS-ABLED MOM!, HOLDING HER HAND!)

ANYWAY, THE PBA MEDS CAME AT SUCH A GREAT TIME! THEY HELP SO MUCH W/EMOTIONAL THINGS, LIKE PARENTING! (WHAT TEEN WANTS A BAWLING/CRAZY MOM?) & WHEN ONE OF THE TEENS AT CHURCH INTERVIEWED ME FOR THEIR SPEECH CLASS, I DIDN’T BAWL, OR EVEN FLINCH, WHEN SHE ASKED ME SENSATIVE QQUESTIONS ABOUT THE DAY OF MY STROKE (I HAVE ALWAYS BAWLED B4, BUT I COULD EVEN JOKE ABOUT IT!)

& LAST WEEK, I WENT W/MK 2 HIS THERAPY/WORK CONFERENCE 4 LDS (LATTER-DAY SAINT/ “MORMON”) THERAPISTS IN UTAH. HOW AWESOME 2 NOT WORRY ABOUT MY PBA! I COULD TALK ABOUT EMOTIONAL STUFF I LEARNED, & I DIDN’T “IMPLODE” WHEN WE GOT 2 THE HOTEL ROOM, FROM HOLDING IN ALL MY PBA!

LAST YEAR THE WORK CONFERENCEFOCUSED ON PORN, BUT I STILL LEARNED STUFF, & WAS MENTALLY STIMULATED–& I NEVER AM MENTALLY STIMULATED! PLUS, THE FOOD WAS AWESOME, SO I AGREED 2 GO. TURNED OUT THE TOPIC WAS “FORGIVENESS.” AWESOME! (I EVEN TOOK HAND-WRITTEN NOTES!) ANYWAY, I HAVE A LIST OF 151 REASONS WHY I LOVE MK, & I REALIZED THAT THE LIST OF WHY I LOVE MK, HELPS ME BE MORE 4GIVING (THEY COMPARED 4GIVENESS 2 A BOAT W/HOLES, & INSTEAD OF SEEING HIS 1 BIG HOLE, OR THE MANY HOLES IN HIS BOAT, I SEE MY HOLES TOO)

I HAVE NOTICED, THOUGH, THAT I CRY MORE NOW…& IN UTAH, I HAD A LAUGHING EPISODE. I HAVE WONDERED IF I’M “GETTING USED TO THE PBA MEDS,” OR JUST IF WE HAVE STARTED 2 FORGET HOW HORRIBLE THOSE PBA EPISODES WERE. I DON’T THINK WE HAVE 4GOTTEN HOW IT AFFECTED OUR LIVES, JUST HOW SEVERELY IT AFFECTED US.

I ALSO THINK PART IS THAT I LET MY GUARD DOWN:
1. IN THE BEGINNING, I EMPLOYED MORE OF THE TRICKS I HAVE LEARNED 2 PREVENT CRYING, SIMPLY BECUZ THE MEDS MADE IT SO MUCH EASIER TO CONCENTRATE ON THOSE TRICKS…
2. IN THE BEGINNING, I HAD A MENTALITY, I THINK, WHERE I RESISTED PBA MMORE, SIMPLY W/WILL POWER, BELIEVING THAT I COULDN’T CRY, BECUZ THAT WAS WHAT THE MEDS WERE FOR! BUT EVEN THEN, I STATED THAT I STILL COULD HAVE PBA EPISODES, THEY WERE JUST SHORTER! (& IF I CRY/LAUGH, IT STILL IS MUCH SHORTER)
3. I LET MK & I TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT WERE TOO EMOTIONAL B4, SO THEY WERE EITHER NOT DISCUSSED, OR I EMAILED ABOUT THEM.

MY NEW PBA MEDS

THIS SUMMER I SHARED HOW IN THE 1ST WEEKEND OF JUNE, I WAS ON A FAMILY VACATION IN PADRE ISLAND, TEXAS. DUE TO MY PBA (EMOTIONAL LIABILITY, WHICH MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO CONTROL MY EMOTIONS), I DECIDED TO LEAVE A STORE ALONE. UNFORTUNATELY, I WENT OFF THE CURB & FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR, LANDING ON MY KNEES & FACE, IN THE PARKING LOT…I SAID THE FOLLOWING:

“IT IS A MIRACLE THAT SOMETHING THAT COULD’VE KILLED ME, ONLY ENDED UP W/A BROKEN NOSE (WHICH GAVE ME 2 BLACK EYES), & SOME CUTS ON MY FACE, KNEES, & 3 FINGERS ON MY RIGHT HAND! ONLY GOD COULD’VE PROTECTED ME SO WELL! SIMPLY AMAZING THAT MY TEETH ARE FINE, MY RIGHT HAND ISN’T BROKEN, I GOT NO STITCHES, & MY SKULL WASN’T CRUSHED! WHAT MERCY & LOVE I FEEL! “

IT WAS FOLLOWED BY THE MOST MIRACULOUS WEEK OF HEALING! (I WILL POST A SCRAPBOOK PAGE, CALLED “MY RECOVERY,” SHOWING THE HEALING PROCESS.) THE KNUCKLES ON MY RIGHT HAND ARE STILL HEALING & RED, & MAY BE THAT WAY FOR YEARS, BUT MY FACE LOOKS FINE. MY NOSE HASN’T QUITE HEALED, BUT THAT ALSO FEELS LIKE AN ODD BLESSING, BECAUSE THE WAY THE NOSE IS CROOKED, IS HELPING MY SPEECH!

AS I SAID LAST JUNE, “I’M AMAZED HOW GOD FINDS WAYS 2 TURN BAD SITUATIONS INTO GOOD. I KNOW HUNDREDS OF WAYS THAT MY STROKE HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A BLESSING. THIS WAS NO DIFFERENT: I HAVE WANTED A NEUROLGIST 4 QUITE SOMETIME (ODDLY, MOSTLY SO I MAY TRY THE NEW MEDS 4 PBA!), & THE HOSPITAL WE WENT TO WAS ONE OF THE FEW THAT SPECIALIZE IN STROKE NEUROLOGY. MY DR. WAS A HUGE PART IN SETTING UP THE STROKE UNIT. SHE GAVE ME A REFERRAL TO SEE A GUY NEARBY TO ADDRESS SOME THINGS THAT MAY BENEFIT ME IN THE LONG RUN.”

IN THE PAST I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO ATTEND MANY THINGS THAT ARE TOO EMOTIONAL. MY CHILDREN ANTICIPATE THAT I WILL CRY & EMBARRASS THEM AT ANY CHURCH OR SCHOOL FUNCTION WHERE I FEEL PRIDE, OR ANY OTHER EMOTION. SPIRITUAL THINGS, LIKE ATTENDING A BAPTISM, A FUNERAL, SHARING MY TESTIMONY AT CHURCH, OR GOING TO THE TEMPLE ARE EXTREMELY HARD. IN FACT, THERE ARE TIMES THE LOAD I HAVE TO BEAR FEELS TOO BIG, BUT AFTER A HEART-FELT PRAYER IT SOMEHOW BECOMES BEARABLE

LITTLE DID I KNOW WHAT A HUGE BLESSING THE NEUROLOGIST WOULD BE! HE GAVE ME MEDICINE FOR MY PBA (EMOTIONAL LIABILITY), WHICH IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST STRUGGLES! THE MEDICINE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE!
WITH THE HELP OF THE MEDICINE, I HAVE FELT HAPPIER, MORE RELAXED, & IT HAS HELPED MY MARRIAGE & FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS. & I HAVE NOT SHYED AWAY FROM ATTENDING EVENTS THAT ARE TOO EMOTIONAL—IN FACT, I RECENTLY ATTENDED THE LATTER-DAY SAINT (LDS/MORMON) TEMPLE 2 SUPPORT A MEMBER OF THE WARD (CONGREGATION). IT WAS SCARY ENOUGH THAT IT WAS IN THE TEMPLE, & 2 SUPPORT SOMEONE I KNEW, BUT I ALSO WAS ABLE TO DO MORE, THAT I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO DO IN THE 8+ YEARS SINCE MY STROKE!

ONCE A YEAR, THE PRIMARY (3-12 YEARS OLD) SHARE WHAT THEY HAVE LEARNED THROUGH WORDS & SONG. IT IS CALLED THE PRIMARY PROGRAM. SINCE I WAS THE PRIMARY CHORISTER AT THE TIME OF MY STROKE, THE PRIMARY SONGS HELPED ME THROUGH MY FIRST YEAR POST-STROKE, & THE PRIMARY PROGRAM HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART. CONSEQUENTLY, I HAVE A SUPER HARD TIME ATTENDING THE PRIMARY PROGRAM EACH YEAR, SO I ATTEND THE PRACTICES IN ORDER TO “GET OUT” MY TEARS, & “NUMB” MYSELF. HOWEVER, THIS YEAR, SINCE I AM ON THE PBA MEDS, I DIDN’T GO TO THE PRACTICES.

THE PROGRAM WAS SUNDAY, & MY TISSUE STAYED DRY–THE CLOSEST I GOT 2 TEARS WAS WHEN THE PRIMARY PRESIDENT/LEADER SPOKE, & WHEN THEY SANG MY FAV. PRIMARY SONG (“I’M TRYING 2 BE LIKE JESUS”)…SO I DISTRACTED MYSELF, TRYING 2 REMEMBER THE ASL FOR THE SONG! I MADE IT THROUGH THE PROGRAM, THOUGH, W/O A TEAR!