AN UPDATE: ZACH IS NOW A SOPHOMORE, LEARNING THE PROPER WAY 2 SIGN (NOT “JENNY-ESE”), & DRIVING. JESS IS IN 7TH GRADE, & SOPH IS IN 5TH GRADE. NEXT YEAR, I’LL HAVE NO BABIES IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! IT IS KILLING ME THAT I NO LONGER HAVE MY BABIES, WHO RESPECT ME, JUST BECUZ MY NAME IS “MOM.”

I LOVE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL–HECK, I TAUGHT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! MY BABIES NEED 2 STOP GROWING! I’M NOT GOOD AT THIS TEENAGE THING, & IT’S REQUIRING ME 2 FIGURE OUT WHERE I STAND (AS A MOM) ALL OVER AGAIN…WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG, IT WAS HARD THEN, TOO, BUT I FOUND OUT THAT THEY JUST LIKED ME THERE, & LOVED ME REGARDLESS OF WHAT I WAS CAPABLE OF… LUCKILY, SOPH IS STILL YOUNG ENOUGH…SHE WAVERS, & HAS HER PRE-TEEN MOMENTS, BUT SHE USUALLY IS STILL HER MOM’S ADVOCATE!

BUT NOW IT’S A NEW BOAT. THE KIDS ARE GETTING OLDER, WHICH MEANS THEY NOT ONLY NOTICE MY WEAKNESSES, & ALTHOUGH I AM NOT A GREAT “TEEN PARENT,” I THINK I AM A DECENT PARENT (LUCKILY MY HUSBAND CAN HELP ME DO BETTER—A HUGE BLESSING 4 ME). YET I KNOW THE KIDS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SITUATION—IT IS ONLY NATURAL! BUT IT DOESN’T HELP THE FACT THAT I CAN’T MAKE THEM DO ANYTHING, & CAN’T GIVE ANY SORT OF PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT (I’M JUST WORDS…& I CAN’T EVEN SCREAM, TO SHOW HOW MAD I FEEL–I CAN ONLY CRY, & THEY DON’T CARE IF I CRY!).

NOT THAT MY KIDS ARE BAD! I ACTUALLY AM SUPER BLESSED W/GREAT KIDS, SO WHEN THEY ACT UP, A LITTLE THING LOOKS BIG! BUT THEY ARE JUST EXPLORING THEIR INDEPENDENCE, & I KNOW THAT! THAT IS NOTHING DIFFERENT FROM OTHER TEENS, BUT MY KIDS HAVE AN ADDITIONAL, UNIQUE, ASPECT—A DIS-ABLED, HELPLESS PARENT! (IT IS VERY AWKWARD 2 DISCIPLINE, & THEN ASK 4 HELP!) LOL

SOMETIMES, TOO, I AM GLAD I HAVE A VOICE, SO I CAN FORCE THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE, INSTEAD OF IGNORE, ME (“HI!,” “BYE!,” “GOODMORNING!,” “HOW ARE U?,” “HOW WAS YOUR DAY?,” “HAVE A GOOD DAY!”) BUT IT IS ALSO GOOD THAT ONLY THEY UNDERSTAND ME, WHEN I SAY THINGS LIKE “I LOVE U!” (YEARS AGO, I TAUGHT THEM A “LOVE SQUEEZE,” HOPING THAT WHEN THEY WERE TEENS, I COULD SQUEEZE THEIR HAND, & W/O SAYING A WORD, THEY’D KNOW I LOVED THEM…BUT, THAT BACKFIRED…I CAN’T GRAB THEIR HANDS UNLESS THEY ARE RIGHT NEXT 2 ME…& IT JUST ISN’T COOL BEING BY YOUR MOM, & EVEN MORESO BY YOUR DIS-ABLED MOM!, HOLDING HER HAND!)

ANYWAY, THE PBA MEDS CAME AT SUCH A GREAT TIME! THEY HELP SO MUCH W/EMOTIONAL THINGS, LIKE PARENTING! (WHAT TEEN WANTS A BAWLING/CRAZY MOM?) & WHEN ONE OF THE TEENS AT CHURCH INTERVIEWED ME FOR THEIR SPEECH CLASS, I DIDN’T BAWL, OR EVEN FLINCH, WHEN SHE ASKED ME SENSATIVE QQUESTIONS ABOUT THE DAY OF MY STROKE (I HAVE ALWAYS BAWLED B4, BUT I COULD EVEN JOKE ABOUT IT!)

& LAST WEEK, I WENT W/MK 2 HIS THERAPY/WORK CONFERENCE 4 LDS (LATTER-DAY SAINT/ “MORMON”) THERAPISTS IN UTAH. HOW AWESOME 2 NOT WORRY ABOUT MY PBA! I COULD TALK ABOUT EMOTIONAL STUFF I LEARNED, & I DIDN’T “IMPLODE” WHEN WE GOT 2 THE HOTEL ROOM, FROM HOLDING IN ALL MY PBA!

LAST YEAR THE WORK CONFERENCEFOCUSED ON PORN, BUT I STILL LEARNED STUFF, & WAS MENTALLY STIMULATED–& I NEVER AM MENTALLY STIMULATED! PLUS, THE FOOD WAS AWESOME, SO I AGREED 2 GO. TURNED OUT THE TOPIC WAS “FORGIVENESS.” AWESOME! (I EVEN TOOK HAND-WRITTEN NOTES!) ANYWAY, I HAVE A LIST OF 151 REASONS WHY I LOVE MK, & I REALIZED THAT THE LIST OF WHY I LOVE MK, HELPS ME BE MORE 4GIVING (THEY COMPARED 4GIVENESS 2 A BOAT W/HOLES, & INSTEAD OF SEEING HIS 1 BIG HOLE, OR THE MANY HOLES IN HIS BOAT, I SEE MY HOLES TOO)

I HAVE NOTICED, THOUGH, THAT I CRY MORE NOW…& IN UTAH, I HAD A LAUGHING EPISODE. I HAVE WONDERED IF I’M “GETTING USED TO THE PBA MEDS,” OR JUST IF WE HAVE STARTED 2 FORGET HOW HORRIBLE THOSE PBA EPISODES WERE. I DON’T THINK WE HAVE 4GOTTEN HOW IT AFFECTED OUR LIVES, JUST HOW SEVERELY IT AFFECTED US.

I ALSO THINK PART IS THAT I LET MY GUARD DOWN:
1. IN THE BEGINNING, I EMPLOYED MORE OF THE TRICKS I HAVE LEARNED 2 PREVENT CRYING, SIMPLY BECUZ THE MEDS MADE IT SO MUCH EASIER TO CONCENTRATE ON THOSE TRICKS…
2. IN THE BEGINNING, I HAD A MENTALITY, I THINK, WHERE I RESISTED PBA MMORE, SIMPLY W/WILL POWER, BELIEVING THAT I COULDN’T CRY, BECUZ THAT WAS WHAT THE MEDS WERE FOR! BUT EVEN THEN, I STATED THAT I STILL COULD HAVE PBA EPISODES, THEY WERE JUST SHORTER! (& IF I CRY/LAUGH, IT STILL IS MUCH SHORTER)
3. I LET MK & I TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT WERE TOO EMOTIONAL B4, SO THEY WERE EITHER NOT DISCUSSED, OR I EMAILED ABOUT THEM.