IT HAS BEEN AWHILE! I’VE BEEN CRAZY BUSY, BUT I DECIDED TO PUT EVERYTHING ON HOLD, & TAKE A MOMENT FOR MYSELF!

MY ROUTINE CHANGED LAST MONTH, SO I WAS GETTING UP 1-2 HOURS L8R (I READ THE SCRIPTURES WHEN MK GOES 2 TEACH SEMINARY AT 6 AM, & THEN WARM-UP MY VOICE AS HE DRIVES KIDS TO SCHOOL.) BUT SEMINARY ENDED FOR THE SUMMER LAST MONTH, & SO DID MY ROUTINE…

THEN, I WAS SO VERY BUSY, & WITH ME STARTING LATER IN THE DAY, I JUST SKIPPED THE THINGS THAT WOULD PUT MY ROUTINE BACK ON TRACK, SAYING THAT I’D READ MY SCRIPTURES & PRACTICE VOCALIZING L8R IN THE DAY…WHICH WAS EASY TO DO CUZ I WAS SICK, SO I WAS TOO TIRED & CONGESTED 2 VOCALIZE, & SINCE I STARTED MY DAY L8R, I WAS “ANTSY” & WANTED 2 “CATCH UP.” SO, I SKIPPED VOCALIZING & READING MY SCRIPTURES DAILY, & I ONLY DID 1 NO SIGNING DAY A WEEK (IT WAS 2 DAYS BEFORE, BUT I PICKED THE 2ND DAY, SO I STOPPED PICKING A DAY, & ONLY STAYED WITH THE DAY THAT WAS ANTCIPATED).

BUT IF I TRIED 2 PRACTICE L8R IN THE DAY, BY THE TIME I TRIED, I WAS TOO TIRED & DID THE BARE MINIMUM! I JUST DIDN’T PRACTICE AS MUCH AS I COULD HAVE.

LATELY, I’VE FOUND MYSELF WONDERING WHY I HAD SIGNED SOME THINGS THAT I COULD’VE SAID–& I WASN’T SURE IF IT WAS A LACK OF FAITH/TRUST IN MYSELF, IF I WAS LAZY & DIDN’T WANT 2 PUT FORTH THE EFFORT THAT SPEAKING REQUIRES, OR IF I JUST WANTED 2 HURRY & NOT PLAY THE GUESSING GAME CALLED “WHAT DID SHE SAY?”! SO, WHEN I’VE PRACTICED VOCALIZING, IT CAN BE DISAPPOINTING HOW SHALLOW MY BREATHING IS NOW! THERE’LL BE DAYS I PRACTICE MORE, & MY BREATHING INCREASES, BUT IF I MISS JUST 1 DAY, IT’S LIKE FALLING DOWN A LADDER! & I HAVE GOTTEN SO BUSY, IT IS HARD TO KEEP CLIMBING BACK UP TO WHERE I WAS!

WEDNESDAY, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A NO SIGNING DAY, & I TRIED, EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS STILL MUCOS IN MY LUNGS (I WAS SICK LIKE 3 WEEKS AGO!), BUT CUZ OF THE MUCOS, NOTHING WOULD COME OUT, & I COULD ONLY MOUTH THE WORDS! THEN, FROM 9-1 I WAS SUPPOSED TO WHISPER, & SINCE I CAN’T WHISPER, I SIGNED & WROTE…I PLANNED TO SPEAK THE REST OF THE DAY, BUT FROM 1-4:30 I WAS AT 6 FLAGS, & IT WAS TOO LOUD TO HEAR ME, PLUS THE HEAT/SUN ZAPPED MY ENERGY, SO I DIDN’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO TALK! (I WAS STILL RECOVERING AT 6 PM!)

I CAN BLAME IT ON THINGS LIKE THE MUCOS & SUN/HEAT WHY I FAILED AT A NO SIGNING DAY, BUT I THINK IT REALLY IS BECUZ I HAVE NOT PUT MY FULL EFFORT TOWARDS SPEAKING, SO IT HAS WEAKENED ENOUGH WHERE MUCOS, THE SUN, & THE HEAT ARE REALLY & TRULY FACTORS THAT INHIBIT MY SPEAKING.

AFTER MY LAST POST, U’D THINK I HAVE THIS TALKING THING DOWN, BUT I DON’T…IN FACT, AS SOON AS I POSTED IT, TALKING BECAME EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, & REQUIRED SO MUCH MORE EFFORT, THAT AFTER A FEW DAYS, I STOPPED TRYING SO HARD—IT WAS EXHAUSTING JUST 2 THINK ABOUT TALKING!

I STARTED THE MONTH BY SAYING A LOT, & SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD PATIENTLY WAIT 4 ME 2 TALK, & some still do! BUT SOMETIMES, I HAVE A SUPER HARD TIME TALKING, & IF I THINK ABOUT THE WORDS INSTEAD OF JUST SPEAKING RIGHT AWAY. THE LONGER I THINK ABOUT IT, OR THE MORE I REPEAT IT, THE HARDER IT GETS 2 SAY IT!

AS THE MONTH WENT ON, THE EFFORT LEVEL INCREASED, & I STARTED GETTING IMPATIENT W/MYSELF (& I SAW THE KIDS GETTING IMPATIENT TOO). UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN THE EFFORT LEVEL IS HIGH, SOMETIMES I CAN BARELY GET OUT ANYTHING, SO I’D LOSE FAITH IN MYSELF, & DO WHAT WAS EASY: I WOULD GIVE UP, & SIGN. & THE MORE I DID THAT, THE WORSE I GOT AT RELYING ON MY ASL VERSUS MY SPEECH!

NOW I SIGN TOO MUCH BECUZ I FEAR NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD! BUT THE REALITY IS THAT NOW MY FAMILY HAS GOTTEN SO GOOD AT UNDERSTANDING ME, JUST AS A MOTHER STARTS UNDERSTANDING HER TALKING TODDLER,, THAT WHILE A STRANGER MAY NOT UNDERSTAND ME, THEY DO (I CAN’T TELL U HOW MANY TIMES I THOUGHT, “THERE’S NO WAY THEY UNDERSTOOD THAT—EVEN I DIDN’T UNDRSTAND ME!”…BUT THEY DO KNOW WHAT I SAID!

IT IS WEIRD, CUZ I HAVE “PHASES” WHERE I TALK AWESOME! 1 MIN. I TRY & CAN’T TALK 4 THE LIFE OF ME, BUT THE NEXT I CAN, & THEY LAST 15 MIN.-1 HOUR, (BUT SINCE MY HUSBAND SEEMS 2 RARELY BE AROUND WHEN IT HAPPENS, & SINCE HE READS MY SIGN SO WELL, I FEAR I AM “GIVING IN…”) & ODDLY, IF I LAY DOWN, I SPEAK WITH MUCH LESS EFFORT, SO IF I HAVE TIME TO LAY DOWN, I CAN SUDDENLY TALK, WHEN I COULDN’T TALK B4, & IF I SPEAK SPONTANEOUSLY, IT IS EASY & CLEAR.

THE OTHER DILEMNAS I NOW FACE W/MY SPEECH:
1. I CAN’T COUGH! I CAN’T TELL U HOW DISCOURAGING THIS CAN BE! A BUBBLE IN THE THROAT, OR A LIITLE FLEM IN THE THROAT CAN FEEL LIKE MY VOICE HAS 2 PUSH THROUGH A BRICK WALL, IN ORDER 2 MAKE NOISE!
2. IT IS A BIG PROBLEM IF I’M TIRED! SOMETIMES JUST THE THOUGHT OF SAYING SOMETHING EXHAUSTS ME, SO I “WIMP OUT.”
3. MY EMOTIONS GET IN THE WAY. MOST OF THEM I CLAM UP.
4. MY KIDS REQUEST ME JUST 2 SIGN, BECUZ IT’S SLOW, & REQUIRES A LOT OF WORK ON THEIR PART, THEY ARE IN A HURRY, OR THEY CLAIM THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND ME, WHEN I KNOW THEY DID!

BUT I THINK THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS ME, WHEN I DON’T TRUST MYSELF. ALL THE ABOVE ARE VALID ISSUES, BUT I CAN USE THEM AS AN EXCUSE, & THEN NOT ACCEPT THE TRUTH: IT’S HARD, & I DON’T WANT 2 DO WHAT’S HARD! EVERYTHING I DO IS HARD, & I AM TIRED, SO THE EXCUSES, WHILE TRUE, MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT, WHEN I SIGN, & DISAPPOINT MYSELF! (I CAN HEAR MY HUSBAND SAYING, “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!)

THIS DOESN’T MEAN I’M “FIXED” NOW. IT MEANS I RECOGNIZE IT, BUT I STILL HAVE 2 DO WHAT’S HARD, & AT TIMES I WILL SLIP, OR FACE OTHER OBSTACLES. BUT I KNOW THE UNFORTUNATE TRUTH: IT WILL ONLY GET EASIER BY DOING WHAT’S HARD. THAT’S WHERE I ASK 4 GOD’S HELP!

THIS WEEK, I STARTED RATING MY SPEECH ON 2 SCALES:
1. HOW OFTEN I SIGN VS. SPEAK (THE # IS HIGHER THE MORE I SPEAK), &
2. HOW EASY & CLEAR IT IS WHEN I SPEAK.

ON MON., I DID NOT PUT FORTH THE TIME 2 PRACTICE MY SPEECH WELL, & IT SHOWED ON TUESDAY, AS MY RATE OF SPEECH DRAMATICALLY FELL FROM A 7 TO A 2…SO TUES., I PRACTICED, BUT IT WAS HARD TO PRACTICE, CUZ I WAS HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME VOCALIZING., & REALLY WAS LACKING THE MOTIVATION TO PRACTICE. WED. IS ALWAYS MY SPEAKING DAY, BUT BECUZ I STILL HADN’T PRACTICED WELL THE DAY BEFORE, IT WAS HARD TO TALK AGAIN ON WED. OF COURSE, I GOT NERVOUS, CUZ THAT DAY, I COULDN’T SIGN (WELL, I DID GIVE IN A FEW TIMES—HENCE A 9.5 RATE IN HOW OFTEN I SPOKE VS. SIGNED, BUT IT WAS ONLY A “2” ON HOW EASY/CLEAR MY SPEECH WAS). SO I PRACTICED A LOT, WARMING UP MY VOICE…BUT IT DIDN’T REALLY HELP ME THAT DAY…HOWEVER, THURSDAY, I ROCKETED BACK UP, & COULD TALK AGAIN! I KNEW IT MATTERED 2 PRACTICE, BUT I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH DRAMATIC RESULTS IN THE 4-5 MONTHS I’VE BEEN KEEPING A PRACTICE LOG! THURS., I MADE SURE 2 PRACTICE, & FRIDAY, I AGAIN WAS ENJOYING BEING ABLE 2 TALK. HOWEVER, I RAN OUT OF PRACTICE TIME THURS., & GOT DISTRACTED WHEN I FOUND MORE TIME, SO MY SPEECH ON FRIDAY WASN’T AS GOOD AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN. STILL, I FORGET HOW AWESOME IT IS 2 NOT HAVE 2 WAIT 4 SOME1 TO LOOK AT ME, SO I CAN TALK! & HAVING A GLIMPSE OF THAT MOTIVATES ME TO PRACTICE EACH DAY, SO I CAN ENJOY THE RESULT THE NEXT DAY!

I REALIZED THAT THIS ALL RELATES 2 OUR SPIRITUALAITY…IF WE DON’T PUT FORTH “PRACTICE TIME” (READING SCRIPTURES, PRAYING), THEN IT GETS HARDER 2 FEEL THE SPIRIT. & IF THE SPIRIT ISN’T THERE, IT’S HARD 2 “PRACTICE.” BUT WHEN WE DESPERATELY NEED IT, SO WE MAKE OURSELVES REALLY “PRACTICE,” THE SPIRIT COMES BACK…BUT NOT ALWAYS RIGHT AWAY, LIKE WE MAY HOPE! HOWEVER, WHEN THE SPIRIT OF GOD IS BACK W/US, WE REJOICE, HAVING FORGOT HOW AWESOME IT IS TO HAVE IT!

STILL, IF WE RUN OUT OF “PRACTICE TIME” (SAY WE DON’T PRAY, BUT READ OUR SCRIPTURES), THEN WHILE WE ARE GOOD, WE ARE NOT AS GOOD AS WE COULD BE! HOWEVER, HAVING A GLIMPSE AT WHAT IS POSSIBLE, CAN HELP MOTIVATE US TO DO THE THINGS WE NEED TO DO DAILY, TO KEEP OUR SPIRITUAL HEALTH STRONG!

I SEEM 2 BE AT THE TOP OF MY TALKING CYCLE AGAIN (I DO KEEP TRACK, & RECORD MY PRACTICE INFO FOR MUSIC THERAPY), & THOUGH I SEEM 2 BE IN THE BEGINNING STAGES OF THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL, I’M FIGHTING IT, BY TRYING 2 TALK MORE THAN I SIGN. I HAVE TRIED THIS B4 & FAILED BY GIVING IN & SIGNING, BUT I HOPE I WILL DO BETTER NOW THAT MY SPEECH IS GETTING BETTER.

LAST WEEK WAS A TALKING WEEK: I HAVE TALKED SO WELL, NON-FAMILY MEMBERS, WHO DON’T SEE ME MUCH, COULD TALK 2 ME (I.E. FRIENDS WHO VISIT, THE PIANO TEACHER, A COMPUTER GUY, ETC.)! I STILL SIGN & WRITE, BUT FRIDAY WAS ESPECIALLY EXCITING, BECUZ I NEVER TOLD MY MUSIC THERAPIST 1 THING W/O TALKING (USUALLY, I WRITE 2 HER, SINCE SHE DOESN’T SIGN). & SUNDAY, I ACTUALLY ATTEMPTED 2 SING AT CHURCH, & SINCE IT WAS A TALKING DAY, 2 MY DELIGHT, SOUND ACTUALLY CAME OUT ON OCCASION, & WAS ON PITCH—USUALLY, I CAN’T GET OUT OF MY LOWER, “CHEST” VOICE!

I HAVE BEEN DOING 1-2 “NO SIGNING” DAYS (WHERE I CAN’T SIGN & CAN ONLY TALK) EVERY WEEK—I ALWAYS DO WEDNESDAY, NO MATTER WHAT. THERE ARE OCCASIONS WHERE I CHEAT, BUT I TRY NOT TO. “NO SIGNING” DAYS ARE GOOD CUZ THEY FORCE ME TO PRACTICE TALKING. (THE TONGUE IS A MUSCLE, SO IT NEEDS PRACTICE.) HOWEVER, THOUGH IT CAN BE FRUSTRATING 2 HAVE 2 TALK, ONCE AGAIN, THXS TO “SENTENCE SHAPER 2,” I’VE LEARNED 2 SLOW IT DOWN, SEPARATE THE WORDS (EVEN 2 MAYBE SAY JUST 1 WORD AT A TIME), & ENUNCIATE (AS I LISTENED 2 RECORDINGS OF MYSELF, I’D NOTICE HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS 2 SAY EVERY CONSONANT IN A WORD). 4 EX., WHEN WE SAY FAMILY PRAYERS, WE DON’T SAY THE SAME THING EVERYTIME. SO IF I PRAY OUT LOUD, INSTEAD OF SIGNING IT, SINCE MY FOCUS IS NOT ON SLOWING DOWN 2 CAREFULLY FORM EACH LETTER & SPACE APART THE WORDS, ALL THE WORDS SLUR TOGETHER.
LET ME LEAVE U WITH SOMETHING I HEARD ON MY 1ST “NO SIGNING” DAY:
“… patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort
Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed.
…. God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways… Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.
Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most.”
April 2010, Continue in Patience
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng