AFTER MY LAST POST, U’D THINK I HAVE THIS TALKING THING DOWN, BUT I DON’T…IN FACT, AS SOON AS I POSTED IT, TALKING BECAME EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, & REQUIRED SO MUCH MORE EFFORT, THAT AFTER A FEW DAYS, I STOPPED TRYING SO HARD—IT WAS EXHAUSTING JUST 2 THINK ABOUT TALKING!

I STARTED THE MONTH BY SAYING A LOT, & SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD PATIENTLY WAIT 4 ME 2 TALK, & some still do! BUT SOMETIMES, I HAVE A SUPER HARD TIME TALKING, & IF I THINK ABOUT THE WORDS INSTEAD OF JUST SPEAKING RIGHT AWAY. THE LONGER I THINK ABOUT IT, OR THE MORE I REPEAT IT, THE HARDER IT GETS 2 SAY IT!

AS THE MONTH WENT ON, THE EFFORT LEVEL INCREASED, & I STARTED GETTING IMPATIENT W/MYSELF (& I SAW THE KIDS GETTING IMPATIENT TOO). UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN THE EFFORT LEVEL IS HIGH, SOMETIMES I CAN BARELY GET OUT ANYTHING, SO I’D LOSE FAITH IN MYSELF, & DO WHAT WAS EASY: I WOULD GIVE UP, & SIGN. & THE MORE I DID THAT, THE WORSE I GOT AT RELYING ON MY ASL VERSUS MY SPEECH!

NOW I SIGN TOO MUCH BECUZ I FEAR NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD! BUT THE REALITY IS THAT NOW MY FAMILY HAS GOTTEN SO GOOD AT UNDERSTANDING ME, JUST AS A MOTHER STARTS UNDERSTANDING HER TALKING TODDLER,, THAT WHILE A STRANGER MAY NOT UNDERSTAND ME, THEY DO (I CAN’T TELL U HOW MANY TIMES I THOUGHT, “THERE’S NO WAY THEY UNDERSTOOD THAT—EVEN I DIDN’T UNDRSTAND ME!”…BUT THEY DO KNOW WHAT I SAID!

IT IS WEIRD, CUZ I HAVE “PHASES” WHERE I TALK AWESOME! 1 MIN. I TRY & CAN’T TALK 4 THE LIFE OF ME, BUT THE NEXT I CAN, & THEY LAST 15 MIN.-1 HOUR, (BUT SINCE MY HUSBAND SEEMS 2 RARELY BE AROUND WHEN IT HAPPENS, & SINCE HE READS MY SIGN SO WELL, I FEAR I AM “GIVING IN…”) & ODDLY, IF I LAY DOWN, I SPEAK WITH MUCH LESS EFFORT, SO IF I HAVE TIME TO LAY DOWN, I CAN SUDDENLY TALK, WHEN I COULDN’T TALK B4, & IF I SPEAK SPONTANEOUSLY, IT IS EASY & CLEAR.

THE OTHER DILEMNAS I NOW FACE W/MY SPEECH:
1. I CAN’T COUGH! I CAN’T TELL U HOW DISCOURAGING THIS CAN BE! A BUBBLE IN THE THROAT, OR A LIITLE FLEM IN THE THROAT CAN FEEL LIKE MY VOICE HAS 2 PUSH THROUGH A BRICK WALL, IN ORDER 2 MAKE NOISE!
2. IT IS A BIG PROBLEM IF I’M TIRED! SOMETIMES JUST THE THOUGHT OF SAYING SOMETHING EXHAUSTS ME, SO I “WIMP OUT.”
3. MY EMOTIONS GET IN THE WAY. MOST OF THEM I CLAM UP.
4. MY KIDS REQUEST ME JUST 2 SIGN, BECUZ IT’S SLOW, & REQUIRES A LOT OF WORK ON THEIR PART, THEY ARE IN A HURRY, OR THEY CLAIM THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND ME, WHEN I KNOW THEY DID!

BUT I THINK THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS ME, WHEN I DON’T TRUST MYSELF. ALL THE ABOVE ARE VALID ISSUES, BUT I CAN USE THEM AS AN EXCUSE, & THEN NOT ACCEPT THE TRUTH: IT’S HARD, & I DON’T WANT 2 DO WHAT’S HARD! EVERYTHING I DO IS HARD, & I AM TIRED, SO THE EXCUSES, WHILE TRUE, MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT, WHEN I SIGN, & DISAPPOINT MYSELF! (I CAN HEAR MY HUSBAND SAYING, “THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!)

THIS DOESN’T MEAN I’M “FIXED” NOW. IT MEANS I RECOGNIZE IT, BUT I STILL HAVE 2 DO WHAT’S HARD, & AT TIMES I WILL SLIP, OR FACE OTHER OBSTACLES. BUT I KNOW THE UNFORTUNATE TRUTH: IT WILL ONLY GET EASIER BY DOING WHAT’S HARD. THAT’S WHERE I ASK 4 GOD’S HELP!