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IT’S MY STROKE-AVERSARY ON SATURDAY!

PHOTO BY AIMAGE, INC: LISA SHEPARD

9 YEARS AGO (ON THE 16TH), I HAD A MASSIVE BRAINSTEM STROKE – BIGGER THAN MY DOCTOR HAD EVER SEEN! A FELLOW STROKE SURVIVOR DESCRIBED A STROKE SO WELL W/THIS ANALOGY:
“… my world was 1 of those snow globes you get the airport and you shake it all up and the pieces go flying all around and eventually fall back into place they’re just not in the places they were before. “

I AM NOW 39 YRS. OLD, CONFINED 2 A W/C, BARELY MOVE, AM FINALLY LEARNING 2 SPEAK, MY LEFT SIDE IS PARALYZED, I HAVE DOUBLE VISION…NEED I GO ON? I NEVER DID DRUGS, SMOKED, DRANK ALCOHOL, ETC., & I EXERCISED: AEROBICS, BALLET & OTHER FORMS OF DANCE. BUT I NEVER FOUND OUT WHY I HAD A STROKE. THE BEST GUESSES ARE CUZ THE DOCTORS COULD TELL FROM BRAIN SCANS THAT THE ARTERIES IN MY BRAIN ARE SOMEWHAT SMALLER THAN AVERAGE (WHICH MAKES THE POSSIBILITY OF A STROKE MORE LIKELY), OR CUZ I HAD TRIED A NEW BIRTH CONTROL WEEKS EARLIER, OR CUZ I HIT MY HEAD A FEW DAYS EARLIER.

LIKE I SAID, I HAVE A VERY THIN ARTERY THAT MAY HAVE GOTTTEN BLOCKED, AND IF I’D EATEN MORE GREENS (I WASN’T A TERRIBLE EATER BEFORE MY STROKE, BUT I HAD MY FAIR SHARE OF EMPTY CALORIE FOODS, CANDY, & SODA, & REFUSED ANY BEANS & ALL FISH– IN FACT, ANYTHING GREEN & HEALTHY WAS NASTY! ), IT MAY HAVE HELPED THIN MY BLOOD. BUT I BELIEVE THAT BECUZ I EXERCISED & TOOK CARE OF MYSELF, IT MAY HAVE MADE THE STROKE OCCUR LATER IN MY LIFE (CHILDREN AS YOUNG AS 6 YEARS OLD HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO SUFFER A STROKE)! THE DOCTORS THOUGHT I WOULD ONLY BLINK THE REST OF MY LIFE, BUT I BELIEVE I’VE RECOVERED SO MUCH, CUZ I WAS HEALTHY!

BUT I COULD NO LONGER RAISE MY 3 KIDS, BE A PARENT GROUP COORDINATOR, BE A ROOM MOM OR TEAM MOM, OR TEACH MY 2ND GRADE CLASS, OR TEACH MY SCRAPBOOK CLASSES, OR TEACH THE CHURCH PRIMARY MUSIC TO THE KIDS THAT WERE 18 MONTHS-12 YEARS OLD. I HAD EVERY RIGHT 2 FEEL LIKE MY YOUTH & DREAMS WERE STOLEN FROM ME! BUT INSTEAD, I FEEL LIKE I WAS ABLE TO LIVE A VERY FULL LIFE AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO GIVE BIRTH TO 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN BEFORE I COULD NO LONGER HAVE THAT CONTINUED BLESSING BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH. THIS MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD TRIGGERED A STROKE AT A YOUNG AGE, OR HAD BEEN A SMOKER. MY COLLEGE DEGREE, WHICH I MAY NOT HAVE RECEIVED IF I HAD HAD MY STROKE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, HAS ALSO ASSISTED ME IN WAYS I DIDN’T ANTICIPATE, EVEN NOW!

A CONVERSATION FROM THE MOVIE, THE GOODBYE GIRL GOES AS FOLLOWS:
Paula McFadden asks,” What is that slop you are putting into my dishes?”
Elliot Garfield answers “Granola, wheat germ, soya, lecithin, natural honey. My body is a temple, Miss McFadden, and I am worshiping it. It’s what gives me my energy, my vitality and my natural disposition.…May I fix you a bowl? “

IF YOU CHOOSE THE PROPER FOODS, I BELIEVE YOU WILL HAVE BETTER HEALTH THAN YOU WOULD IF YOU ATE FOODS THAT ARE NOT NUTRITIOUS. I NOW LOVE MY VEGETABLES & SOME FISH & ENJOY SOME BEANS! I AM NOW ON A BIG HEALTH KICK, & IF I DO EVER WALK, I THINK IT WILL BE CUZ OF MY HEALTHY LIFESTYLE NOW, & CUZ OF MY LOW WEIGHT.

YOUR LIFE IS DEFINATELY SHAKEN UP DIFFERENTLY WITH A STROKE & IS NOT HOW U SAW IT, BUT LIKE THE SNOWGLOBE, THINGS FALL BACK IN PLACE, & CAN STILL BE BEAUTIFUL! I SHARED MY NEW FAVORITE SONG, WHERE IT SHARES HOW OUR “TRIALS OF THIS LIFE, THE RAINS, THE STORM’S OF THIS LIFE,ARE YOUR (GOD’S) MERCIES IN DISGUISE.” I CAN SEE HOW THAT IS TRUE FOR ME, & IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME, I WOULDN’T STOP MY STROKE FROM HAPPENING! I AM GRATEFUL 2 GOD 4 SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE, & ALLOWING ME 2 SUFFER, SO I COULD GROW FROM THIS EXPIERIENCE! AS A PARENT, I KNOW IT’S NOT EASY 2 LET A CHILD SUFFER, EVEN IF WE KNOW THE GOOD THAT WILL COME FROM THAT SUFFERING!

What “weird” little things have you noticed post stroke?

• I AM FREEZING ONCE IT HITS 70 DEGREES–I WILL HAVE LONG SLEEVES, WHEN PEOPLE ARE DRESSING 4 SUMMER HERE. PEOPLE LEAVE THIS STATE THE MONTH OF JULY, CUZ ITS TOO HOT–LIKE 112 DEGREES. I LIKE IT!
• MY TEMPER FLARES REAL EASY, & WHILE I WAS ANXIOUS BEFORE, NOW IT’S AWFUL & I ALSO DON’T HAVE THE SAME HANDLE ON STRESS (THX GOODNESS MY HUSBAND IS A THERAPIST!)
• I LAUGH REALLY BAD AT A BURP OR A FART–PRE-STROKE, I WAS DISGUSTED BY THEM!
• I FEEL FANTOM BUGS OCCASIONALLY CRAWLING ON MY PARALYZED LIMBS–SOMETIMES THERE REALLY ARE BUGS, BUT USUALLY NOT!
• MY ATTENTION SPAN SEEMS TO WANDER ALSO….SO I TAKE RITALIN, & I UNDERTAND MORE & DO BETTER AT THERAPY.
• I CAN’T COUGH ON COMMAND… MY BODY JUST AUTOMATICALLY DOES IT.
• I’LL ALSO GET A WHOLE BODY SHIVER THAT MAKES ME TWITCH,
• I TAKE THESE OCCASIONAL BIG BREATHS THAT SEEM LIKE A SIGH

LAST WEEK

CHRISTMAS HAS FINALLY BEGUN! I HAVE HEARD TONS OF CHRISTMAS STUFF ALREADY, BUT CHRISTMAS NEVER “STARTS”’ UNTIL I LISTEN 2 MICHAEL McCLEAN’S FORGOTTEN CAROLS, & I TURNED THEM ON AS I WRITE THIS POST:

I HAVE BEEN REMINDED HOW GOD CARES ABOUT & PROTECTS ME…I JUST HAVE 2 LISTEN! IN THE BOOK CALLED Hearing The Voice of the Lord, Elder Boyd K. Packer (of the LDS church) said: “The Spirit does not get our attention by shouting or shaking us with a heavy hand. Rather it whispers. It caresses so gently that if we are preoccupied we may not feel it at all. . . . Occasionally it will press just firmly enough for us to pay heed..”

LONG STORY SHORT, I HAVE HAD COMPUTER TROUBLES THIS LAST WEEK, & HAVE HAD 2 RESTORE A LOT. AS I HAVE DONE THINGS, I KEEP GETTING THESE THOUGHTS (WHICH ARE MORE LIKE REMINDERS) OF THINGS I WAS PROMPTED 2 DO DURING THE PREVIOUS WEEKS. THESE THINGS HAVE ASSISTED ME IN MY RESTORATION PROCESS.

4 EX., I HAVE BEEN DABBLING FOR YEARS IN WRITING A BOOK. THEN, I JUST STOPPED, NOT SURE OF THE DIRECTION 2 TAKE IT…UNTIL RECENTLY, WHEN I’VE HAD SOME IDEAS THROWN MY WAY, THAT RESULTED IN SOME PRETTY BIG CHANGES, GIVING ME THE DIRECTION I NEEDED, SO I COULD RETURN TO WORKING ON IT! I WOULD’VE BEEN SICK IF I HAD LOST THAT WHEN I HAD MY COMPUTER TROUBLES THIS WEEK! BUT A WHILE AGO, FOR NO REASON AT ALL, I PUT A COPY OF IT ON MY LAPTOP. SO, WHEN MY COMPUTER HAD TROUBLE, I WAS REMINDED OF THAT COPY, & THAT I WAS FINE!

THIS IS JUST 1 EX. OF MANY. BUT SOME THINGS WERE NOT RESTORED, & I CAN SEE HOW EVEN THOSE ARE A BLESSING!

HERE’S AN EX. OF 1 OF THOSE: I KEEP A SORT OF “TO DO” LIST FOR MY CAREGIVER/“HELPER”/PERSONAL ASSISSTANT. ACTUALLY, I HAVE 2 LISTS. THEY SEE 1 LIST—THE LIST OF CURRENT JOBS & THERAPY I WANT 2 DO THAT WEEK.
THE JOBS ON THE 2ND LIST, THEY NEVER SEE UNTIL THE JOBS GET DONE ON THE 1ST LIST. I ADD JOB TO THE 2ND LIST ALL THE TIME, BUT OFTEN IT IS THINGS I’D LIKE 2 DO AT THE MOMENT, BUT OTHER JOBS “TRUMP” IT—IN FACT, I HAVE HAD SOME JOBS STAY ON THE 2ND LIST FOR YEARS. (I USED 2 BE BOTHERED BY IT, BUT NOW I AM OK W/IT—IT’S JUST HOW IT IS). ANYWAY, RIGHT B4 MY OLD CAREGIVER/“HELPER”/PERSONAL ASSISSTANT, CARA, LEFT, I WAS GETTING SO BAD AT DOING THE NEEDED THERAPY, BECUZ I PUT MORE STOCK INTO FINISHING MY LISTS THAN DOING MY THERAPY.

WHEN I GOT MY NEW CAREGIVER/“HELPER”/PERSONAL ASSISSTANT, ANGIE, I SEEMED 2 GET A NEW DESIRE 2 DO MORE THERAPY, BUT AS THE 2ND LIST HAS GROWN, I HAVE STARTED DOING LESS THERAPY. HOWEVER, THIS WEEK, I HAVE BEEN TRYING 2 FIGURE OUT HOW 2 PUT MORE THERAPY BACK INTO MY SCHEDULE. WHEN I LOST A MORE RECENT COPY OF THE 2ND LIST, AT 1ST, I WAS FRUSTRATED, BECUZ THERE WAS NO REASON THE RECENT LIST COULDN’T BE RESTORED…IT SHOULD’VE BEEN BACKED-UP! BUT, NOT HAVING IT HAS TURNED MY FOCUS BACK 2 THERAPY…& SUDDENLY I SAW A DOOR OPEN! THIS IS WHERE I THINK THE LORD WANTS ME 2 FOCUS RT. NOW, BECUZ I’VE HAD SO MANY SMALL MIRACLES IN MY LIFE SINCE MY FALL (THIS SUMMER), LEADING ME 2 SITUATIONS & DOCTORS THAT HAVE INVITED MORE PHYSICAL THERAPY INTO MY LIFE! SO LOSING IT APPEARS UNFORTUNATE, BUT IS ACTUALLY A SMALL BLESSING! HOW DOES GOD DO THAT: HE KEEPS MANAGING 2 TURN THE BAD INTO GOOD! I HAVE WITNESSED THIS SO MUCH RECENTLY, I CAN’T RECORD IT EVERYTIME! BUT 2 DO IT W/SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS MY LIST, REMINDS ME HOW GOD KNOWS & CARES ABOUT ME PERSONALLY.

I’M HERE STILL!

IT’S BEEN AWHILE, & I HAVE 4 REASONS WHY. & SINCE THE KIDS ARE BEING ENTERTAINED BY MK’S PARENTS, I THOUGHT I’D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THHE EXTRA TYPING TIME 2 SHARE WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON:

1. I TRIED OUT A NEW MEDICINE, BUT IT MADE ME SO TIRED, THAT FOR 4 DAYS I COULDN’T EVEN DO THERAPY OR TYPE! (EVEN IF I’M SICK, I CAN TYPE A LITTLE!) MY “HELPER,” ANGIE, BRINGS HER BABY/TODDLER TO WORK (WHO I LOVE 2 BITS!), & I JUST LEANED BACK & LET HIM ENTERTAIN ME, WHILE ANGIE WORKED! LOL
2. I’VE BEEN RESEARCHING & TYPING A YW LESSON INSTEAD…I TEACH THIS SUNDAY, & THERE WAS SOME CONFUSION, SO I ENDED UP PLANNING 2 LESSONS!
3. I’VE BEEN ENJOYING SOME NEW-FOUND INDEPENDENCE, SO I AM ON THE COMPUTER LESS, DOING THESE THINGS:
• I CAN NOW FEED MYSELF MOST THINGS, WITH OR W/O UTENSILS (I PREFER MY HANDS, BUT I DID PRE-STROKE TOO!)
• I CAN USUALLY MOVE MY OWN BUTT RIGHT, BACK, OR 4WARD (I “STEER” W/MY HEAD)
• I DRY DISHES, CLEAN COUNTERS & DRAWERS, CLOSE CABINETS, & MOVE LIGHT-WEIGHT FURNITURE
• I PUT IN & TAKE OUT CDS, THUMBDRIVES, & MEMORY CARDS ON MY COMPUTER
• MY WORDS ARE GETTING SO CLEAR THAT OTHERS UNDERSTAND ME!
• SOMETIMES I CAN LIFT & MOVE MY LEGS RIGHT
• I’M GETTING STRONGER: IF LAYING (THOUGH IT CAN BE DIFFICULT), I CAN RAISE MY LEFT ARM OVER MY HEAD W/THE USE OF MY RIGHT ARM
• I CAN UNWRAP CERTAIN THINGS (LIKE THINGS TWISTED CLOSED, SEALED WITH A TYPE OF LIGHTER “FOIL”, ETC.)
• I CAN LEAN 4WARD & SCRATCH MY ANKLE,, ADJUST A SOCK, OR RETRIEVE THINGS THAT FELL & LANDED ON MY FOOTREST
4. I NEED 2 FIND MY NEW BALANCE! I OPENED UP A FACEBOOK (FB) & PINTREST ACCOUNT. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HOW I’D SPEND MY TIME ON BOTH, KNOWING I MIGHT LIKE THEM, & SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THEM (INSTEAD OF DOING THINGS W/MY FAMILY), SO I AVOIDED JOINING FB & PINTREST. HOWEVER, IN TRYING 2 DO MY CHURCH CALLING BETTER (WHERE I TEACH TEENAGE GIRLS), & SO I COULD CONNECT BETTER W/EXTENDED FAMILY & MY TEENS, I FINALLY GAVE IN, & JOINED FB, & I DECIDED THAT IF I WAS GIVING IN TO ONE, I MIGHT AS WELL DO BOTH, & GET IT OVER WITH! LOL

THE 1ST FEW DAYS WERE BAD! LUCKILY, THOUGH, I HAD “PREPPED” BY READING A CHURCH ARTICLE, SO I WAS AWARE WHEN I WAS SPENDING WAY TOO LONG ON THERE, HAVING A BETTER RELATIONSHIP W/MY KEYBOARD. & I KNEW WHAT I NEEDED TO DO 2 FIGHT IT…THERE ARE SOME GREAT STROKE SUPPORT GROUPS ON FB, & I LOVED FEELING MORE INVOLVED IN THE LIVES OF FAMILY & FRIENDS, BUT BEING PART OF THEIR VIRTUAL LIVES, IS NOT THE SAME AS FACE-2-FACE, & I DO GET LONELY, EVEN THOUGH I’M “TALKING” 2 PEOPLE!

I REALIZED THAT AFTER I JOINED FB, I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME “SQUEEZING IN” ANYTHING SPIRITUAL INTO MY DAY, BUT I WAS MAKING ROOM 4 FB JUST FINE! SO, I MADE A NEW COMMITMENT THAT I WOULDN’T DO ANYTHING ON FB UNTIL I’VE READ THE SCRIPTURES OR THE CHURCH MAGAZINE, THE ENSIGN….& I’M JUST STUBBORN ENOUGH 2 DO IT, & 2 FORCE MYSELF 2 STAY COMMITTED! LOL

I GO THROUGH SPURTS READING MY SCRIPTURES, & AT 1ST, IT MOTIVATED ME ENOUGH 2 READ ANYTIME OF DAY (I USE READTHESCRIPTURES.COM, BECUZ THEY DAILY SEND YOUR SCRIPTURE READING FOR THE DAY, IN AN EMAIL, & I GO ONLINE, SO IT CAN BE ENLARGED, HIGHLIGHTED, & READ ALOUD). NOW, WHEN MY HUBBY TEACHES SEMINARY, I READ EVERY MORN., WHILE HE TEACHES.

BUT, I FELT GUILTY IF I READ MY SCRIPTURES FOR 15 MIN., & THEN SAID THAT I’M FREE TO SPEND HOURS ON FB! SO, I WANTED 2 TRY TO BE FAIR, & READ SOMETHING SPIRITUAL EVERYTIME, BEFORE I EVER GET ON FB. IT WAS EXHAUSTING, BUT WORKED WELL!

HOWEVER, I STILL CAN’T SEEM 2 FIND A GOOD BALANCE W/FB OR PINTREST—EITHER I’M ON TOO MUCH, OR I AVOID IT, SO I WILL ACCOMPLISH OTHER THINGS, & AM HARDLY EVER ON. LATELY, I PREFER 2 NOT BE ON, BECUZ I ACCOMPLISH LESS WHEN I’M ON, & I DID FINE W/O FB B4! PINTREST IS A BIT STICKIER, BECUZ I DO NOT BROWSE—JUST THE INITIAL SET-UP IS TIME-CONSUMING, BUT BOTH FB & PINTREST CAN EAT UP YOUR TIME!

I THINK THE KEY IS TO JUST DO THESE AS A “REWARD” OR SOMETHING, ALLOTTING THE TIME 4 OTHER THINGS THAT KEEP U BALANCED (& FOR ME, I NEED TO WORK ON MY SPIRITUAL SIDE, AS MUCH AS MY EMOTIONAL SIDE!)

JENNY’S STORY

“WILL YOUR STORY AMOUNT TO THE NATURE OF STORIES & EMBRACE THE FACT THAT SHARING THE SAD ONES CAN SOMETIMES MAKE THEM HAPPY?” BY ABED NADIR FROM COMMUNITY

PRE-STROKE, A FRIEND SHOWED ME SOME JOKE ON THE BLUE COLLAR CO. DVD SHE HAD JUST BOUGHT, SO I KNEW I LIKED IT. I FINALLY TIVOED & SAW THE WHOLE THING.. I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT PART SHE SHOWED ME, BUT WHEN I SAW IT THIS TIME, I WAS LAUGHING HARD, UNTIL THE END, WHEN JEFF FOXWORTHY WAS TELLING ABOUT A GUY’S MOM, WHO HAD A STROKE…HE STARTED SAYING ALL THIS BAD STUFF (LIKE SHE CAN’T MOVE AA SIDE OF HER BODY & CAN’T TALK)–HE BASICALLY DESCRIBED ME–& THE PUNCHLINE WAS, “I’M KIDDING…SHE’S DEAD.”

NOW, I LAUGH ALL THE TIME WHEN FAMILY GUY DOES HANDICAPPED JOKES, BUT THIS WAS A BIT TOO PERSONAL…

SOMEONE IN MY YAHOO STROKE GROUP POINTED OUT THAT “AT TIMES, RECOVERY MAY SEEM LIKE IT’S NOT HAPPENING BUT IT IS. IT CAN’T BE MEASURED IN WEEKS OR MONTHS BUT YEARS.”

I REALIZE THIS, SO I CELEBRATE EVERY LITTLE THING…OTHERWISE, IT CAN BE DEPRESSING TO WATCH, SINCE IT JUST PROVES HOW FAR I STILL NEED 2 GO! BUT I REMEMBER HOW GRATEFUL I AM 2 BE ALIVE, SO I CAN RECOVER ANYTHING AT ALL—SOME ARE NOT AS FORTUNATE!

LUCKILY, MY HUSBAND VIDEO-TAPED ME DURING THE 1ST YEAR, THEN MADE A MOVIE. IT SHOWS MY PROGRESSION DURING THE 1ST 9 MONTHS, & EVEN NOW, I REFER 2 IT, SO I CAN REALLY C HOW FAR I’VE COME.

IN DEC. 2011, I WAS HELPING SOPH DO A BOOK REPORT, & HAD READ THE CHILDREN’S NOVEL IN PREPERATION…IT WAS CALLED “HOW TO STEAL A DOG.” THE LITTLE GIRL IN THE BOOK WAS VERY UPSET ABOUT HER LIFE: HER DAD LEFT, & HER, HER BROTHER, & HER MOM WERE NOW LIVING IN THEIR CAR. EVENTUALLY, THEY “UPGRADED” 2 A RUN-DOWN SHACK. NEEDLESS 2 SAY, THE LITTLE GIRL WAS VERY DEPRESSED & COULDN’T SEE A WORSE LOT IN LIFE.

IN 2004, BEING CONFINED 2 MY BED WAS AS APPEALING AS LIVING OUT OF A CAR WAS 4 THE GIRL IN THE BOOK. I’VE NOW “UPGRADED,” AND SOME CONSIDER ME LIKE A QUAD. IN A SENSE, I AM IN THE EQUIVALENT TO THE RUN-DOWN SHACK I GUESS THAT SHOULD DEPRESS ME, BUT I JUST SEE A “HOUSE” (AT LEAST THERE’S A ROOF OVER MY HEAD!), & AM GRATEFUL 4 WHAT I HAVE. SURE, IT’S NOT PERFECT, BUT I MANAGE QUITE WELL! & I CAN’T RECALL WHERE I HEARD THIS, OR WHO SAID IT, BUT “The beauty of it, is not knowing what comes next.”

IN OCT. 2007, I “SPOKE” AT AN INTERNATIONAL DOCTOR’S CONFERENCE, AFTER THEY SHOWED THE BELOW VIDEO. THE DOCTOR’S ASKED 4 A COPY OF THE VIDEO, & I WAS SUPPOSED 2 PUT IT ON YOU-TUBE (I FIGURE IT WAS REQUESTED 4 A SIMILAR REASON TO SOMETHING LIKE A QUOTE IN THE BOOK: “Sometimes the trail you leave behind you is more important than the path ahead of you.” By Mookie, from How to Steal a Dog), BUT I JUST FIGURED OUT HOW 2 PUT THE VIDEO ON YOU-TUBE (IT’S CALLED “JENNY’S STORY”)…HOPE I’M NOT TOO LATE (LOL) & HOPE I DID IT RIGHT SO IT CAN STAY, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF IT’LL STAY THERE, SO ENJOY IT WHILE U CAN!