Author: jenannlynn

In March 2004, I suffered a severe brainstem stroke, & was "locked in" for several months". I have been married to a wonderful man, Mark ever since 1994, & we have 3 kids: Zach, Jessie, & Sophie. I have been blessed in so many ways by God, so I wanted to keep a blog to share my recovery, life, & answer questions.

FRI. THE 13TH

13 IS 1 OF MY FAV. #'S BECAUSE, ALTHOUGH MANY FEAR 13 AS "BAD LUCK," MY BEST DAYS R USUALLY FRI. THE 13TH!

SO GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? I FED MYSELF BACON, & FIA (SOPHIA) FED ME SCRAMBLED EGGS! FIA WAS SO PLEASED 2 FEED ME—SHE OFTEN TRIES 2 WITH SMALL FINGER FOODS I CAN SWALLOW, BUT THIS WAS A 1ST W/A UTENSIL & A PAPER TOWEL "BIB." & I HAVE FED MYSELF W/MY ARM SUPPORT OR SOMETIMES, LATELY, I CAN RAISE MY ARM 4 A FEW BITES, BUT 2 CONSISTENTLY DO IT W/O LONG PAUSES 2 BUILD UP STRENGTH, IS A BIG DEAL. I ADMIT THAT SINCE I NEED 2 TILT BACK 2 SWALLOW, IT HELPED ME CHEAT 2 RAISE MY ARM. LOL

MY KIDS HAVE REALLY ADJUSTED WELL 2 ME AFTER MY STROKE, BUT IT'S INTERESTING 2 C THEIR DIFFERENCES:

ZACH LOVES 2 BE MY MOUTH & HELP DISCIPLINE THE GIRLS. I'LL NEVER 4GET THE TOUCHING MOMENT AS I HEARD HIM, IN INDY, LEARNING ASL AT BREAKFAST. WE WERE ALWAYS CLOSE, SO IT MEANT A LOT HE WANTED 2 COMMUNICATE. WHEN I'VE JUST SAT AS THE KIDS HAVE PLAYED GAMES, HE COMMENTS HOW "IT'S LIKE THE OLD DAYS." HE COMMENTS ABOUT A B-DAY CAKE I MADE PRE-STROKKE THAT'S BECOME IMMORTALIZED OR HOW FUN IT WAS WHEN I WAS HIS CHURCH PRIMARY CHORISTER IN INDY. BUT HE WON'T FEED ME. THE ONLY EXCEPTION WAS 1 SACRAMENT, & I COULD TELL HE FELT AWKWARD. IT MUST SEEM 2 WEIRD 4 HIM 2 FEED AN ADULT!

NEXT IS JESS. SHE'S INTERESTING. LIKE ZACH, SHE RECALLS & COMMENTS ON STUFF PRE-STROKE, BUT MORE ACCEPTING OF THINGS NOW. SHE'S FED ME. SHE LOVES COMMUNICATING IN TYPE OR TRIES VIA ASL. JESS IS HIT OR MISS ON LOTS OF THINGS, BUT SHE IS ADJUSTING & PICKING UP ON MORE THINGS 4 ME NOW. I KNOW WHEN I WAS 1ST HOME, SHE SPENT HOURS W/ME W/O ME TALKING.

THEN THERE'S FIA. SHE'S COMPLETELY ACCEPTING OF THINGS NOW. IN FACT, SHE LONGS 2 BE IN HER DAD'S ROLE, SINCE SHE DOESN'T RECALL ME PRE-STROKE, &, LIKE ALL KIDS WHO IDOLIZE A PARENT, WANTS 2 DO WHAT DAD DOES! FEEDING ME, SHE COMMENTED ABOUT FEEDING ME LOTS WHEN SHE'S OLDER. FIA IS MY BIGGEST CHEERLEADER—SHE GETS EXCITED ABOUT EVERY NEW LITTLE THING I DO. SHE WANTS ME 2 BE HER HERO—I PLAY WITH HER 4 HOURS, COMFORT HER, & MY BELL RINGING (HOW I SPEAK & DISCIPLINE) TRUELY SCARES HER. SHE KNOWS HOW 2 INTERACT W/ME W/O ME TALKING & GUESSES MY WORDS. SHE NOTICES SMALL THINGS, LIKE MY LEFT FOOT OFF OF THE FOOTREST.

IN COLLEGE, I LEARNED THE 1ST 5 YRS. R VITAL 4 A CHILD. IT CAN HURT FIA REMEMBERS NOTHING I DID, BUT THAT CLEAN SLATE HELPS HER UNDERSTAND ME NOW. LIKE THE OTHERS, SHE HAD "ME" THERE 4 THE 1ST 2 YEARS. ZACH 7 JESS R GREAT KIDS WHO PROVIDE A MALE & FEMALE PERSPECTIVE & WHO CAN CARRY ON THINGS I TAUGHT THEM FOR 6 ½ YRS. I HAVE ALSO HAD IT POINTED OUT THAT THE QUANITY OF TIME I SPEND W/FIA DIFFERS W/THAT OF ZACH & JESS. I SIT THERE WHILE SHE PLAYS ON MY COMPUTER, INSTEAD OF LEAVING. I AM HER PLAY COMPANION—2DAY I GOT "MADE UP" COMPLETE W/ REAL LIP GLOSS! USUALLY "PLAY TIME" INVOLVES EATING FAKE FOOD.

1 THING IN COMMON: I'M MAY NOT BE A TRADITIONAL MOM, BUT STILL AM MOM. MY KIDS PUSH ME—I WON'T LIE—THERE R DAYS I FEEL DONE TRYING, BUT THEN I REMEMBER THINGS LIKE A CARD FROM ZACH 2 KEEP EXERCISING, OR A WISH 2 SANTA THAT I CAN WALK. I LOVE 2 HEAR ANY 3 CALL ME "MOM." I LOVE THAT I HEAR "GOOD" IN RESPONSE 2 A "YES," WHEN THE KIDS HEAD OUT 2 A SPORT'S GAME OR SCHOOL FUNCTION & ASK, "IS MOM COMING?"

National Stroke Association and NBC have partnered in the fight against stroke and are excited to announce an upcoming television special: Brain Attack: A Stroke Survival Guide.

This one-hour show will educate the public about stroke risk, stroke symptom recognition (F.A.S.T.) and recent breakthroughs in rehabilitation. The show will feature real-life stories from stroke survivors, including celebrities, as well as encourage viewer participation with an interactive Stroke Smart quiz.

Brain Attack: A Stroke Survival Guide will air on NBC network stations around the country starting April 14th (see current schedule below). This show is an incredible opportunity to reach a large amount of people right before the kickoff of National Stroke Awareness Month in May. We hope the nation will join us in celebrating survivors and embracing the education and awareness of stroke.

Follow this link to learn more about it and to see when the special is airing in your area.

SUN.

HAPPY EASTER! IT'S TRADITION IN R FAMILY2 FILL SOMETHING THE KIDS NEED/WANT INSTEAD OF A BASKET (SO, 4 EX., JESS, SINCE SHE'S IN SOFTBALL, SHE HAD A BAG 4 HER EQUIPMENT). SEVERAL YEARS AGO, ON THE CHRISTMAS RT. AFTER MY STROKE, JJSS REQUESTED AN AMERICAAN GIRL DOLL W/A WHEELCHAIR (W/C). FIA HAS STARTED WANTING A W/C, SO HER EASTER "BASKET" WAS A BUILD-A-BEAR W/C! SHE WAS SO EXCITED 2 HAVE A "MRS. JENNY" BUILD-A-BEAR! NOW, THE GIRLS CAN SHARE THEIR W/C!

LAST WEEKEND, IF U R LDS, U KNOW IT WAS GENERAL CONFERENCE (R CHURCH LEADERS SPEND MANY HOURS TEACHING US VIA SATELLITE/CABLE).
JUST WATCHING IT WOULDN’T HELP MY PBA . NEITHER WOULD IT HELP 2 SIT SO I CAN'T C & JUST LISTEN–I NEED A DISTRACTION, SO I HEAR THE WORDS, BUT SPLIT MY FOCUS W/A DISTRACTION.
SO I'VE DISCOVERED THE JOY OF DOING MINDLESS ACTIVITIES (WHICH PILE UP, SINCE THEY NEED 2 BE DONE, BUT I HATE 2 USE MY "PRECIOUS TIME" 2 DO IT) & LISTEN ON THE INTERNET. IT WORKS SO GREAT! THE ONLY BUMMER IS, I DON'T KNOW WHO'S TALKING & I HAVE 2 BE AT HOME, SEPERATED FROM MY FAM. THE MAJOR POSITIVE IS, THAT TWICE A YEAR WE DO THIS, & I'D SAY MY SPIRITUAL SIDE HAS SERIOUSLY LACKED FOR 3 YEARS BECAUSE OF HOW I HAVE 2 DISTANCE MYSELF & PUT UP A WALL 2 FIGHT PBA. 4 INSTANCE,, I FAITHFULLY GO 2 CHURCH WEEKLY, BUT IT CAN BE A PBA-BATTLE & I CAN GET LITTLE OUT OF IT UNTIL I COME HOME & CAN BE ALONE 2 VERY LOUDLY CRY (& NO1 NEEDS 2 HEAR ABOVE ME) WHILE IT "SIMMERS."

THERE'S CLINICAL TRIALS ON A DRUG 4 PBA. HOW I'D LOVE 2 BE A PART! IF IT'D WORK, MY LIFE WOULD DRASTICALLY CHANGE!

THE PREVIOUS WEEKEND I HAD SOME INTERESTING EXPERIENCES:

I REALLY HATE 2 BE OUTSIDE (WHY:
BUGS LOVE 2 LAND ON ME,
LOW CIRCULATION MAKES ME COLDER SOONER,
RAIN—NEED I SAY MORE?,
SUNLIGHT, SINCE MY EYES R SENSATIVE 2 NATURAL LIGHT,
WIND—I GET STRAY HAIRS I MY FACE & MOUTH WHICH I'M NOT GAURANTEED 2 REACH & SINCE I'M DARK BLONDE, THEY R UNSEEN—THOUGH, MARK IS LOADS BETTER AT SPOTTING STRAY HAIRS THAN HE DID 3 YRS. AGO, WHICH CAN BE AMAZING, REALLY,
BUMPY GROUND—)

I ALSO HATE SPORTS. SO IMAGINE HOW THRILLED I WAS AT HEARING JESS, MY 7 YR. OLD, ANNOUNCE SHE WAS GOING 2 PLAY SOFTBALL! I HAD BEEN "TEAM MOM" 4 ZACH AT AGE 6, SO I KNEW IIT INVOLVED GAMES OUTSIDE, COLD OR HOT, SUNNY & WINDY. 2 WEEKS AGO WAS HER 1ST GAME. I WENT & TOOK PICS. AT JESS' SOFTBALL GAME. THE FUNNY THING WAS I COULD SEE NOTHING IN MY LCD, THANKS 2 SUNLIGHT & SUNGLASSES. BUT MY CAMERA WAS MOUNTED, SO I AIMED & SHOT. USUALLY, I CAN HEAR IT SNAP A PIC. THIS TIME, THOUGH, I HEARD NOTHING! I HAD NO IDEA IF I'D TAKEN PICS. & WHAT THEY'D LOOKED LIKE! BUT, ONCE I CROPPED, THEY WERE ALARMINGLY GOOD!

2 SUN. AGO, I WAS HEADED DOWNSTAIRS 2 MY COMP. (KIDS'ROOMS R CLOSE BY) AT 6:30 AM (NOTHING UNUSUAL, & I LIKE THE QUIET TIME W/O KIDS). EVER SINCE MY STROKE, I'M JUMPIER THAN U CAN IMAGINE—MY NERVES R ALWAYS ON THE EDGE. LIKE, WALKING IN MY ROOM, EVEN IF I KNOW SOME1 IS COMING, I JUMP & FREAK OUT. ANOTHER IS, I SWEAR I HAVE ARACNOPHOBIA, SO ZACH LIKES 2 PUT FAKE SPIDERS ON ME, WHICH IS WORSE W/DOUBLE VISION! & IT NEVER GETS OLD 2 SAY, "BOO!" AS I COME OUT THE ELEVATOR BACKWARDS! THE GREATEST FUN 4 MY FAM. IS MAKING ME JUMP & FREAK OUT.

SO I COME DOWNSTAIRS, DRIVING SLOWLY & ONLY LOOKING IMMEDIATELY IN FRONT OF ME, SINCE IT'S MOSTLY DARK. I'M ABOUT 2 TURN (REMEMBER, IT'S DARK, QUIET, & I THINK I'M ALONE), & C A SMILING JESS (MY EARLY RISER) JUST QUIETLY SITTING CRISS-CROSS IN MY PATH. 4 THE 1ST TIME SINCE MOVING HERE, I WAS TRULY SCARED ENOUGH 2 NOT ONLY JUMP, BUT SCREAM MY "CHHEWBACCA" SCREAM!

SAT.

REMEMBER HOW I FINGERSPELLED “CLEAN” & FIA GOT IT? I RESERVED EXCITEMENT FIGURING SHE GOT IT BECAUSE WE WERE CLEANING & SEVARAL TIMES I HAD SIGNED “CLEAN” 2 ZACH. MON., SHE WAS THRILLED 2 HAVE DAD HELP HER READ AT FHE (FAMILY HOME EVENING). WELL, GUESS WHAT? I WAS TYPING 4 JESS 2 READ, & FIA READ SOME! IT HAS BEEN 3 YRS. SINCE I TALKED 2 MY BABY! SHE WAS EXCITED, BUT I’M MORE SO–THOUGH U’D NEVER GUESS IT SINCE I’M BAWLING!

PBA
    AN EDUCATIONAL MOMENT:

I HAVE A STROKE-RELATED CONDITION CALLED PBA (AS EXPLAINED AT http://www.pseudobulbar.com/ & ALSO CALLED PSEUDOBULBAR AFFECT, PATHOLOGICAL LAUGHING AND CRYING, EMOTIONAL LABILITY, OR EMOTIONAL INCONTINENCE). IT'S A RESULT OF THE STROKE, BUT NOT STROKE-RELATED. IT EXPLAINS WHY I CAN'T CONTROL MY LAUGHING/CRYING, & IF I HAVE ANY SMALL EMOTION, IT'S AMPLIFIED.

      TEARS/LAUGHTER R NOT ALWAYS PROPORTIONAL 2 HOW I FEEL.

        4 EX., I CAN LAUGH/CRY WHEN I FEEL NOTHING OR DO NOT LAUGH/CRY WHEN I WANT. ANOTHER EX. IS THAT IFI MENTALLY KNOW IT'S STUPID 2 REACT, I MAY STILL LAUGH/CRY. YET ANOTHER EX. IS I CAN LAUGH WHEN I WANT 2 CRY, & VICE VERSA. PBA IS A HUGE PART OF MY DAILY LIFE & INTERFERES W/SOOO MUCH, BUT I IMAGINE IT'S ALSO HARD 4 MY FAMILY BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IF THE EMOTION IS REAL! (IMAGINE GETTING HURT, & I LAUGH!) THE WORDS "I UNDERSTAND" R MEANT 2 EMPATHIIZE, BUT CAN BE FRUSTRATING BECAUSE EVEN I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT!

        WHEN I AM MADE 2 CRY LOUD, LIKE I WOULD W/PUBLIC SPEAKING, I CAN'T SIGN OR THINK CLEARLY. I DON'T THINK LIKE I AM USED 2 THINKING–WORDS R OFTEN LOST & IT'S NOT UNTIL LATER THAT I CAN SAY WHAT I THINK. MY MEMORY'S ALSO WORSE, SO I CAN'T TYPE & RECALL WHAT I WROTE. I PREFER 2 TYPE & LEAVE WHILE IT'S READ–NOT 2 "HIDE," BUT SO IT'S HEARD (SINCE I'M SO LOUD).

        WHEN I DO SPEAK, PEOPLE EXPECT GREATNESS, BUT AS I SAID PREVIOUSLY, WORDS R HARDER 2 THINK OF NOW. I’M NOT ELOQUIENT…NEVER WAS B4! PRESIDENT THOMAS S. MONSON, IN THE LDS (MORMON) 1ST PRESIDENCY OF THE CHURCH, SAID: “You can share—in many ways—by the words you speak, by the example you set, by the manner in which you live your life.” I DO IT BY HOW I LIVE &/OR EXAMPLE.

        WHEN I SIGN AT HOME, THEY R SHORT, CONSISTING OF 2-3 SENTENCES. THEY HAVE 2 BE SHORT. I CAN’T SIGN WHAT I’D TYPE–PEOPLE CAN’T LISTEN THAT LONG (AS I SLOWLY FINGERRSPELL OUT SENTENCES). ALSO, WHAT I SAY IS VERY GENERIC. HAS 2 BE, SO I CAN SOMEWHAT CONTROL MY PBA. IT'S A REAL DILEMNA!

        IN CHURCH (U'LL UNDERSTAND IF U R LDS), MARK HAS OFFERED 2 TRANSLATE MY ASL IF I WANT 2 BEAR MY TESTIMONY, BUT PEOPLE WHO DO IT, DO IT BECAUSE THE SPIRIT SAYS 2 DO IT & GUIDES WHAT 2 SAY. I HAVE 2 PUT UP A WALL, BECAUSE OF PBA, SO I DON’T GET THATDESIRE OR GUIDANCE. USUALLY, IF I ALLOW THE SPIRIT 2 BE THERE, I CRY & HOWL LIKE NO1 IMAGINES (I CALL IT MY “PBA-FEST”), SO MARK MAY NOT BE HEARD, & THE PRIDE I HAVE IS DAMAGED THROUGH EMBARRASSMENT (I RARELY ALLOW IT BECAUSE I HATE 2 BE SUCH A SPEKTLE)!