PBA

    AN EDUCATIONAL MOMENT:

I HAVE A STROKE-RELATED CONDITION CALLED PBA (AS EXPLAINED AT http://www.pseudobulbar.com/ & ALSO CALLED PSEUDOBULBAR AFFECT, PATHOLOGICAL LAUGHING AND CRYING, EMOTIONAL LABILITY, OR EMOTIONAL INCONTINENCE). IT'S A RESULT OF THE STROKE, BUT NOT STROKE-RELATED. IT EXPLAINS WHY I CAN'T CONTROL MY LAUGHING/CRYING, & IF I HAVE ANY SMALL EMOTION, IT'S AMPLIFIED.

      TEARS/LAUGHTER R NOT ALWAYS PROPORTIONAL 2 HOW I FEEL.

        4 EX., I CAN LAUGH/CRY WHEN I FEEL NOTHING OR DO NOT LAUGH/CRY WHEN I WANT. ANOTHER EX. IS THAT IFI MENTALLY KNOW IT'S STUPID 2 REACT, I MAY STILL LAUGH/CRY. YET ANOTHER EX. IS I CAN LAUGH WHEN I WANT 2 CRY, & VICE VERSA. PBA IS A HUGE PART OF MY DAILY LIFE & INTERFERES W/SOOO MUCH, BUT I IMAGINE IT'S ALSO HARD 4 MY FAMILY BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IF THE EMOTION IS REAL! (IMAGINE GETTING HURT, & I LAUGH!) THE WORDS "I UNDERSTAND" R MEANT 2 EMPATHIIZE, BUT CAN BE FRUSTRATING BECAUSE EVEN I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT!

        WHEN I AM MADE 2 CRY LOUD, LIKE I WOULD W/PUBLIC SPEAKING, I CAN'T SIGN OR THINK CLEARLY. I DON'T THINK LIKE I AM USED 2 THINKING–WORDS R OFTEN LOST & IT'S NOT UNTIL LATER THAT I CAN SAY WHAT I THINK. MY MEMORY'S ALSO WORSE, SO I CAN'T TYPE & RECALL WHAT I WROTE. I PREFER 2 TYPE & LEAVE WHILE IT'S READ–NOT 2 "HIDE," BUT SO IT'S HEARD (SINCE I'M SO LOUD).

        WHEN I DO SPEAK, PEOPLE EXPECT GREATNESS, BUT AS I SAID PREVIOUSLY, WORDS R HARDER 2 THINK OF NOW. I’M NOT ELOQUIENT…NEVER WAS B4! PRESIDENT THOMAS S. MONSON, IN THE LDS (MORMON) 1ST PRESIDENCY OF THE CHURCH, SAID: “You can share—in many ways—by the words you speak, by the example you set, by the manner in which you live your life.” I DO IT BY HOW I LIVE &/OR EXAMPLE.

        WHEN I SIGN AT HOME, THEY R SHORT, CONSISTING OF 2-3 SENTENCES. THEY HAVE 2 BE SHORT. I CAN’T SIGN WHAT I’D TYPE–PEOPLE CAN’T LISTEN THAT LONG (AS I SLOWLY FINGERRSPELL OUT SENTENCES). ALSO, WHAT I SAY IS VERY GENERIC. HAS 2 BE, SO I CAN SOMEWHAT CONTROL MY PBA. IT'S A REAL DILEMNA!

        IN CHURCH (U'LL UNDERSTAND IF U R LDS), MARK HAS OFFERED 2 TRANSLATE MY ASL IF I WANT 2 BEAR MY TESTIMONY, BUT PEOPLE WHO DO IT, DO IT BECAUSE THE SPIRIT SAYS 2 DO IT & GUIDES WHAT 2 SAY. I HAVE 2 PUT UP A WALL, BECAUSE OF PBA, SO I DON’T GET THATDESIRE OR GUIDANCE. USUALLY, IF I ALLOW THE SPIRIT 2 BE THERE, I CRY & HOWL LIKE NO1 IMAGINES (I CALL IT MY “PBA-FEST”), SO MARK MAY NOT BE HEARD, & THE PRIDE I HAVE IS DAMAGED THROUGH EMBARRASSMENT (I RARELY ALLOW IT BECAUSE I HATE 2 BE SUCH A SPEKTLE)!

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