AT THE START OF AUGUST, OUR FAMILY TOOK A GREAT VACATION—DARE I SAY THE BEST VACATION SINCE MY STROKE—TO DESTIN, FL. MK RENTED A BEACH W/C, & NOT ONLY DID I GO ON THE BEACH, BUT I GOT IN THE OCEAN TWICE (WITH NO W/C–JUST A LIFE VEST–& STOOD, BALANCING AGAINST THE WAVES, SO KUDOS 2 MK WHO DID IT THE SECOND TIME, EVEN WHEN HE HAD HURT HIS ARM!)

SO, AFTER SUCH A HIGH, OF COURSE THERE WAS A LOW (DO U REALIZE THAT IN MY LAST JOURNAL ENTRY B4 MY STROKE, I WROTE ABOUT HOW LUCKY I WAS? SO THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS, IT SEEMS…) WITHIN DAYS OF GETTING HOME FROM OUR VACATION, MY COMPUTER GOT A SUPER BAD VIRUS…ALL I DID WAS OPEN AN EMAIL—I DID NOT GO ON THE LINK IT HAD, OR DOWNLOAD ANYTHING, & I DELETED THE EMAIL, BUT THE DAMAGE WAS DONE…ODDLY, I WAS OK WITH IT. I ACTUALLY HAD BEEN PROMPTED & KNEW TO NOT OPEN THE EMAIL, BUT DID IT ANYWAY, THINKING THAT I HAD GOOD REASONS 2 OPEN IT…& I DID, BUT GOD HAD EVEN BETTER REASONS, & KNEW BETTER, & TRIED 2 WARN ME…BUT SINCE I CHOSE 2 NOT OBEY, I WAS FINE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES THAT I HAD GIVEN MYSELF.

THE CONSEQUENCE WAS THAT MY COMPUTER HAD 2 BE WIPED CLEAN & WINDOWS RE-INSTALLED. THE WORST PART OF THAT CONSEQUENCE WAS SEEING HOW IT AFFECTED OTHERS, & FEELING & SEEING HOW I WAS STILL SO DEPENDENT AGAIN! BUT I DECIDED 2 “JUST KEEP SWIMMING,” AS DORY ON FINDING NEMO SAYS. I BELIEVE GOD WON’T GIVE US ANYTHING WE CAN’T DEAL WITH, WE JUST HAVE 2 FIND THE POSSIBLE IN IMPOSSIBLE!

I USE CARBONITE.COM 4 AN ONLINE BACK-UP SERVICE, BUT LONG STORY SHORT, I WAS AFRAID THAT THE LAPTOP I WAS USING HAD A VIRUS & WIPED OUT MY BACK-UP AT CARBONITE! PLUS, I HAD NEVER USED IT, SO WHEN I THOUGHT I’D LOST EVERYTHING, I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT HOW THIS MAY AFFECT OTHERS, SO I HAD THE GEEK SQUAD AT BEST BUY 1ST BACK-UP WHAT WAS LEFT & MOST IMPORTANT.

IT FELT AS THOUGH THE LAST 8 YEARS OF MY LIFE WAS GONE IN AN INSTANT, & I WAS STRIPPED 2 THE BASICS (WHICH I AM VERY FAMILIAR WITH). HAVING HAD WORSE (WHERE NOT EVEN MY BODY WOULD MOVE) I DIDN’T BAT AN EYE AT THIS NEWS, & IN A WAY, I WAS RELIEVED—I HAVE BEEN TRYING 2 SIMPLIFY MY LIFE (MAY SOUND FUNNY, BUT JUST AS B4 MY STROKE, I DO TOO MUCH, EVEN NOW), & LIFE WAS SIMPLIFIED 4 ME!

WHAT MATTERED: FAMILY. (I DON’T KNOW HOW THE BIBLICAL FIGURE, JOB, SURVIVED W/O FAMILY!) I WAS SAD AT ALL THE TIME SPENT ON THE COMPUTER, INSTEAD OF W/THEM…THEY HAD GROWN UP, & I HAD MISSED TOO MUCH. SURE, I’D MADE COOL THINGS, ETC., & I’VE FOUND A WAY 2 PUT SIGNIFACANCE 2 THE THINGS I DO, BUT IF I DIED AS FAST AS MY COMPUTER DID, WOULD IT MATTER? IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, I’D LOST THINGS AS NEAT AS JOURNALS & SCRAPBOOK PGS. HOURS & $100S OF DOLLARS GONE.

STILL, IF I WANTED THEM, I FIGURED THAT MANY DOCUMENTS COULD BE RECOVERED…IT WOULDN’T BE EASY, BUT POSSIBLE: I’VE BECOME HUGE ON PRINTING STUFF OUT, BURNING CDS, MY CAREGIVER/PERSONAL ASST. HAS PLENTY SHE HAS TYPED 4 ME, & I EVEN COULD USE MY BLOG, & OTHER WEBSITES 2 REGAIN SOME THINGS. BUT I DIDN’T WANT 2 GO BACK 2 WHERE I WAS BEFORE…

WHEN I REALIZED THAT CARBONITE COULD RESTORE ALMOST EVERYTHING, I WAS OVERWHELMED! I LIKED THAT IT HAD BEEN CHOSEN 4 ME HOW 2 SIMPLIFY MY LIFE! BUT I HAVE A CONFESSION: SOMETIMES THE RESTORATION IS SUCH A HASSLE (BECUZ BEST BUY PUT THINGS IN DIFFERENTLY), THAT I’M TEMPTED 2 WIPE THINGS CLEAN, & TRY AGAIN, OR ONLY WITH WHAT MATTERED!! LOL

I’M NOW FACING A NEW CHALLENGE, IN DELETING THINGS, BEING PICKY ABOUT WHAT I RE-LOAD, ETC. & I’M TRYING 2 FIGURE OUT MY NEW BALANCE. IT ISN’T THAT GREAT YET (OLD HABITS DIE HARD, & THIS POST WILL HOPEFULLY KEEP REMINDING ME), BUT IT MAY MAKE MY POSTS LESS FREQUENT.

“IF SOMEONE SAYS YOU CAN’T DO SOMETHING, SAY, ‘YES I CAN, BECAUSE I’M DOING IT RIGHT NOW!’ ”
DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS

IT’S INTERESTING HOW I CAN HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE JUST BY THEM TALKING, & ME NODDING. HOWEVER, I CAN’T EXPRESS HOW MUCH MY LEVEL OF COMMUNICATION IMPROVED WHEN I WENT FROM BLINK-SPELLING 2 FINGERSPELLING, THOUGH IT’S ACTUALLY THE MINORITY WHO CAN SIGN. IF THEY DON’T SIGN, BUT IF WE E-MAIL, QUITE OFTEN, THOSE WHO DON’T SIGN ARE ABLE 2 GUESS MY NON-VERBALIZED THOUGHTS. MY LEVEL OF COMMUNICATION AGAIN INCREASED WHEN, A WHILE AGO, MY HANDWRITING BECAME FAR MORE LEGIBLE, THROUGH PRACTICE & BY DEVELOPING MY FINE MOTOR SKILLS. IT HAS HELPED ME SEEM MORE APPROACHABLE, IF I KEEP MY BOOGIE BOARD (FROM BROOKSTONE) VISIBLE.

NOW, MY LEVEL OF COMMUNICATION CONTINUES 2 INCREASE. I HAVE BEEN TRYING 2 SAY MANY THINGS AT HOME, B4 I SIGN, NOD, ETC. (THOUGH SOMETIMES THE VERBAL RESPONSE TIME IS SO SLOW, THAT IT COMES AFTER I SIGN OR NOD (THAT’S ALWAYS INTERESTING!)

MY MUSIC THERAPIST IS NUMBERED AMONG THOSE WHO DON’T SIGN. SHE WAS FINE W/ME NOT TALKING, BUT ME BEING ABLE 2 WRITE HAS HELPED INCREASE MY PROGRESS IN THERAPY. MONDAY, THOUGH, WE WERE ABLE 2 HAVE A VERBAL CONVERSATION WITH HER STILL DOING MOST THE TALKING BUT I WAS ABLE 2 SAY “HI,” “I’M GOOD,” ”ELEVEN,” “NEW YORK”, “NO WAY,” & A FEW OTHER SINGLE WORDS.IT’S ALWAYS EXCITING WHEN A NON-FAMILY MEMBER UNDERSTANDS ME, THOUGH THEY TEND 2 BE AT MY HOUSE (I’M GETTING BETTER AT MY PARENTS’ HOUSE & SOMETIMES AT CHURCH, BECUZ I’M THERE A LOT) BUT RARELY DOES A SENTENCE COME OUT WELL ENOUGH, SINCE I CAN’T SAY MUCH WITHOUT SLURRING, & I ONLY CAN SAY ABOUT ½ OF THE CONSONANTS.. (I CAN SAY ALL VOWELS, & THE FOLLOWING CONSONANTS: B, D, L, M, N, V, W, & SOMETIMES C, K, G, P, R—USUALLY, I NEED 2 LAY DOWNTO DO SOME OF THESE! LOL)

SO, IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I POINTED & SAID, “THE MIRROR IS OVER THERE”, & SHE UNDERSTOOD (GOOD THING 2, BECUZ IF I GET A, “HUH?” & TRY 2 REPEAT IT, IT IS NEVER AS CLEAR AS THE SPONTANEOUS RESPONSE)!

HOPE YOUR 4TH WAS BETTER THAN OURS–(WE HAD A BURN BAN — HOW DO U CELEBRATE THE 4TH OF JULY W/NO FIREWORKS?!?) INSTEAD, WE SAW VIDEOS/DVDS OF FIREWORKS, & SINCE ZACH WOULD BE GONE BACKPACKING WITH THE SCOUTS ON HIS B-DAY, WE CELEBRATED ZACH’S WOULD4TH B-DAY EARLY, & I WISHED WE’D HAD SPARKLER’S 4 ZACH’S CAKE! LOL

THE 12TH WAS ZACH’S REAL 14TH B-DAY. IT WAS STRANGE WITH HIM GONE. I HAVE A COMPUTER PROGRAM WHERE I CAN CREATE CUSTOMIZED WORD LISTS, & RECORD PEOPLE “MODELING” THEM, SO I CAN PRACTICE MY SPEECH… WHILE ZACH WAS GONE, I PLAYED A LIST W/ZACH SAYING THE NAMES OF RESTURANTS ON MY SPEECH COMPUTER PROGRAM. JESS RAN TO MY CRAFT ROOM, CERTAIN HE WAS ON A WEBCAM OR SOMETHING…IMAGINE HER DISAPPOINTMENT 2 C ONLY WORDS.

MORE ABOUT SPEAKING: TUES., JULY 19TH, I WAS NEAR OUR DOOR & MK WAS FARTHER AWAY, IN OUR CLOSET, & SOPH (FIA) ASKED HER DAD A QUESTION THROUGH A CLOSED DOOR, BUT COULDN’T HEAR HIS ANSWER, SO I RELAYED IT. IT WAS JUST THE WORD, “YES,” BUT SHE HEARD ME & UNDERSTOOD! I HAVE BEEN FRUSTRATED WITH MY SPEAKING ABILITIES (1 DAY/MOMENT MY VOICE IS THERE, & THE NEXT IT HAS DISAPPEARED!), SO IT WAS A BOOST I GREATLY NEEDED!

IN THE HOSPITAL, I HAD A TRACHE. WE WANTED IT OUT SO MY DOCTOR ASKED ANOTHER DOCTOR/A SPECIALIST TO REPLACE MY TRACHE WITH A SMALLER TRACHE TO SEE IF I COULD HANDLE IT. THE SMALLER TRACHE WOULD ENABLE AIR TO PASS OVER THE VOCAL CHORDS SO I COULD RELEARN SPEECH. WHEN THE SPECIALIST FOUND OUT THAT I WAS NOT ALREADY CAPABLE OF SPEECH, HE WENT ON A TIRADE OF HOW HE WAS WASTING HIS TIME WITH A PERSON WHO WOULD NEVER SPEAK OR BE WITHOUT A TRACHE AND SO ON.

EVERYTHING I HEARD ABOUT MY TRACHE WAS NEGATIVE, BUT MY SISTER & MK SHOWED UNFAILING FAITH IN ME, & FOUGHT 4 ME. I THINK IT ONLY BUILT MY STRENGTH UP 2 FIGHT & PROVE THE DOCTORS’ WRONG. I ALSO HAD MUCH POSITIVE INFLUENCES FROM FAM. MEMBERS, & ANY PRAYERS IN MY BEHALF (WHICH, I DON’T DOUBT THEIR MIRACULOUS HELP, AS I SHOULD BE DEAD OR “JUST BLINKING”.

LATELY, I HAVE BEEN SPENDING LESS TIME AT THE COMPUTER, & DOING MORE WITH MY FAMILY, IN ORDER 2 GET MORE “TALKING TIME” (SO WHEN I GET TO MY COMP., I’M 2 BUSY OR 2 FRUSTRATED 2 TYPE A POST!) I ALSO AVOID WRITING DURING ANY DAY THAT THERE IS A FRUSTRATION, OR SOMETHING, SO I DON’T “CEMENT” ANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS…BUT THOSE DAYS EXIST JUST AS MUCH, AS I STRUGGLE W/A DRAMATIC LIFE CHANGE, & RE-LEARN THINGS. I HAVE A WHOLE NEW RESPECT 4 TODDLERS!

SPEAKING OF TODDLERS, MAYBE I’VE SHARED THIS STORY B4, BECUZ I’VE SAID B4 THAT I FEEL LIKE A TODDLER, WHO ONLY THE FAMILY UNDERSTANDS. SOMETIMES TODDLER’S GET ME, & I GET THE TODDLER:

THERE WAS 1 TIME A MOM DIDN’T UNDERSTAND HER TODDLER, & EVEN THOUGH I UNDERSTOOD THE TODDLER, I DOUBTED MYSELF BEING RIGHT, UNTIL THE TODDLER’S MOM SAID,”OH! U SAID…” & THE TODDLER’S MOM SAID WHAT I THOUGHT THE TODDLER HAD SAID.

BUT WHILE I WAITED 4 THE MOMENT OF ENLIGHTMENT FROM THE MOM (ABOUT WHAT WAS SAID BY THE TODDLER), & SAW THE TODDLER & HER MOM’S FRUSTRATION TURN 2 JOY AT THE TODDLER FINALLY FEELING UNDERSTOOD, HOW I COULD RELATE!

IN THE BEGINNING, I RECALL THE STRUGGLE 2 HOLD UP MY HEAD, & UNDERSTANDING A NEWBORN BABY’S STRUGGLE. THEN I COULD GRADUALLY RELATE 2 OLDER BABIE I’VE MISSED A FEW DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES (LIKE ROLLING OVER) BUT AT LEAST I’M STILL PROGRESSING, AFTER 7+ YEARS!

AROUND THE FOURTH, SOPH MENTIONED HOW COOL IT IS THAT HER MOM NOW TALKS MORE THAN SIGNS (SOME DAYS, THAT’S TRUE, ESPECIALLY SINCE MY DAUGHTER, SOPH, HAS A KNACK 4 UNDERSTANDING ME, EVEN WHEN I, MYSELF, THINK THAT THERE’S NO WAY I WAS JUST UNDERSTOOD!).

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION OF THE HOSPITAL INCIDENT EXCEPT THE FIRE IT STIRRED TO SPEAK AGAIN AND WHAT I WAS TOLD (THAT I WAS “A WASTE OF HIS TIME”).

BUT NOW, EVEN ON A BAD DAY, I WISH THAT DOCTOR COULD C ME NOW! I’VE STILL GOT PLENTY WRONG, BUT AM VOCALIZING, & SAYING THINGS! MOST LIKELY IT WAS INITIALLY A DEFENSE MECHANISM TO BLOCK HIM OUT, BUT MARK ALSO GAVE ME A PRIESTHOOD BLESSING THAT DAY TO HELP CALM ME DOWN. DURING THAT BLESSING, I WAS TOLD TO FORGIVE AND REMINDED OF CHRIST’S EXAMPLE: “FATHER, FORGIVE THEM; FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.”

I AM NO EXPERT AT FORGIVENESS, BUT THERE HAS BEEN A FORGIVENESS THAT ASSISTED ME IN FORGETTING WHAT HURT ME SO GREATLY. WHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF DAY THAT SPECIALIST WAS HAVING OR WHAT KNOWLEDGE HE HAD?