FORGIVENESS

HOPE YOUR 4TH WAS BETTER THAN OURS–(WE HAD A BURN BAN — HOW DO U CELEBRATE THE 4TH OF JULY W/NO FIREWORKS?!?) INSTEAD, WE SAW VIDEOS/DVDS OF FIREWORKS, & SINCE ZACH WOULD BE GONE BACKPACKING WITH THE SCOUTS ON HIS B-DAY, WE CELEBRATED ZACH’S WOULD4TH B-DAY EARLY, & I WISHED WE’D HAD SPARKLER’S 4 ZACH’S CAKE! LOL

THE 12TH WAS ZACH’S REAL 14TH B-DAY. IT WAS STRANGE WITH HIM GONE. I HAVE A COMPUTER PROGRAM WHERE I CAN CREATE CUSTOMIZED WORD LISTS, & RECORD PEOPLE “MODELING” THEM, SO I CAN PRACTICE MY SPEECH… WHILE ZACH WAS GONE, I PLAYED A LIST W/ZACH SAYING THE NAMES OF RESTURANTS ON MY SPEECH COMPUTER PROGRAM. JESS RAN TO MY CRAFT ROOM, CERTAIN HE WAS ON A WEBCAM OR SOMETHING…IMAGINE HER DISAPPOINTMENT 2 C ONLY WORDS.

MORE ABOUT SPEAKING: TUES., JULY 19TH, I WAS NEAR OUR DOOR & MK WAS FARTHER AWAY, IN OUR CLOSET, & SOPH (FIA) ASKED HER DAD A QUESTION THROUGH A CLOSED DOOR, BUT COULDN’T HEAR HIS ANSWER, SO I RELAYED IT. IT WAS JUST THE WORD, “YES,” BUT SHE HEARD ME & UNDERSTOOD! I HAVE BEEN FRUSTRATED WITH MY SPEAKING ABILITIES (1 DAY/MOMENT MY VOICE IS THERE, & THE NEXT IT HAS DISAPPEARED!), SO IT WAS A BOOST I GREATLY NEEDED!

IN THE HOSPITAL, I HAD A TRACHE. WE WANTED IT OUT SO MY DOCTOR ASKED ANOTHER DOCTOR/A SPECIALIST TO REPLACE MY TRACHE WITH A SMALLER TRACHE TO SEE IF I COULD HANDLE IT. THE SMALLER TRACHE WOULD ENABLE AIR TO PASS OVER THE VOCAL CHORDS SO I COULD RELEARN SPEECH. WHEN THE SPECIALIST FOUND OUT THAT I WAS NOT ALREADY CAPABLE OF SPEECH, HE WENT ON A TIRADE OF HOW HE WAS WASTING HIS TIME WITH A PERSON WHO WOULD NEVER SPEAK OR BE WITHOUT A TRACHE AND SO ON.

EVERYTHING I HEARD ABOUT MY TRACHE WAS NEGATIVE, BUT MY SISTER & MK SHOWED UNFAILING FAITH IN ME, & FOUGHT 4 ME. I THINK IT ONLY BUILT MY STRENGTH UP 2 FIGHT & PROVE THE DOCTORS’ WRONG. I ALSO HAD MUCH POSITIVE INFLUENCES FROM FAM. MEMBERS, & ANY PRAYERS IN MY BEHALF (WHICH, I DON’T DOUBT THEIR MIRACULOUS HELP, AS I SHOULD BE DEAD OR “JUST BLINKING”.

LATELY, I HAVE BEEN SPENDING LESS TIME AT THE COMPUTER, & DOING MORE WITH MY FAMILY, IN ORDER 2 GET MORE “TALKING TIME” (SO WHEN I GET TO MY COMP., I’M 2 BUSY OR 2 FRUSTRATED 2 TYPE A POST!) I ALSO AVOID WRITING DURING ANY DAY THAT THERE IS A FRUSTRATION, OR SOMETHING, SO I DON’T “CEMENT” ANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS…BUT THOSE DAYS EXIST JUST AS MUCH, AS I STRUGGLE W/A DRAMATIC LIFE CHANGE, & RE-LEARN THINGS. I HAVE A WHOLE NEW RESPECT 4 TODDLERS!

SPEAKING OF TODDLERS, MAYBE I’VE SHARED THIS STORY B4, BECUZ I’VE SAID B4 THAT I FEEL LIKE A TODDLER, WHO ONLY THE FAMILY UNDERSTANDS. SOMETIMES TODDLER’S GET ME, & I GET THE TODDLER:

THERE WAS 1 TIME A MOM DIDN’T UNDERSTAND HER TODDLER, & EVEN THOUGH I UNDERSTOOD THE TODDLER, I DOUBTED MYSELF BEING RIGHT, UNTIL THE TODDLER’S MOM SAID,”OH! U SAID…” & THE TODDLER’S MOM SAID WHAT I THOUGHT THE TODDLER HAD SAID.

BUT WHILE I WAITED 4 THE MOMENT OF ENLIGHTMENT FROM THE MOM (ABOUT WHAT WAS SAID BY THE TODDLER), & SAW THE TODDLER & HER MOM’S FRUSTRATION TURN 2 JOY AT THE TODDLER FINALLY FEELING UNDERSTOOD, HOW I COULD RELATE!

IN THE BEGINNING, I RECALL THE STRUGGLE 2 HOLD UP MY HEAD, & UNDERSTANDING A NEWBORN BABY’S STRUGGLE. THEN I COULD GRADUALLY RELATE 2 OLDER BABIE I’VE MISSED A FEW DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES (LIKE ROLLING OVER) BUT AT LEAST I’M STILL PROGRESSING, AFTER 7+ YEARS!

AROUND THE FOURTH, SOPH MENTIONED HOW COOL IT IS THAT HER MOM NOW TALKS MORE THAN SIGNS (SOME DAYS, THAT’S TRUE, ESPECIALLY SINCE MY DAUGHTER, SOPH, HAS A KNACK 4 UNDERSTANDING ME, EVEN WHEN I, MYSELF, THINK THAT THERE’S NO WAY I WAS JUST UNDERSTOOD!).

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION OF THE HOSPITAL INCIDENT EXCEPT THE FIRE IT STIRRED TO SPEAK AGAIN AND WHAT I WAS TOLD (THAT I WAS “A WASTE OF HIS TIME”).

BUT NOW, EVEN ON A BAD DAY, I WISH THAT DOCTOR COULD C ME NOW! I’VE STILL GOT PLENTY WRONG, BUT AM VOCALIZING, & SAYING THINGS! MOST LIKELY IT WAS INITIALLY A DEFENSE MECHANISM TO BLOCK HIM OUT, BUT MARK ALSO GAVE ME A PRIESTHOOD BLESSING THAT DAY TO HELP CALM ME DOWN. DURING THAT BLESSING, I WAS TOLD TO FORGIVE AND REMINDED OF CHRIST’S EXAMPLE: “FATHER, FORGIVE THEM; FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.”

I AM NO EXPERT AT FORGIVENESS, BUT THERE HAS BEEN A FORGIVENESS THAT ASSISTED ME IN FORGETTING WHAT HURT ME SO GREATLY. WHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF DAY THAT SPECIALIST WAS HAVING OR WHAT KNOWLEDGE HE HAD?

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