MY HUSBAND , MARK (MK), 1ST & FOREMOST. HE SHOWERS, DRESSES, POTTIES, FEEDS, & SLEEPS W/ME (I MAY NEED HIS ASSISSTANCE TURNING IN THE NIGHT, THOUGH IT IS RARELY NEEDED NOW). HE ALSO HELPS ME W/THE LESS OBVIOUS, LIKE SHAVING, CLEANING OUT MY EARS, BRUSHING MY TEETH, ETC. THINK OF HOW A MOTHER HELPS HER BABY…

ON THE OCCASSIONS WHEN MK WORKS, LEAVES TOWN, OR TAKES THE KIDS SOMEWHERE W/O ME (SAY, THE WATERPARK), MY “HELPER”/CAREGIVER/PERSONAL ASSTISSTANT (CURRENTLY ANGIE) HELPS ME., MY KIDS DO A LOT — SOPHIE HAS THE HONARARY NICKNAME OF “ANGIE #2”! I ALSO HAVE MY PARENTS, 5 OF THE 6 OF MY SIBLINGS, & A NETWORK OF FRIENDS CLOSE-BY, WHO I CAN ASK 4 HELP — AS WELL AS OTHER EXTENDED FAMILY (WHO ARE FARTHER, BUT JUST AS WILLING 2 HELP OUT),

NO CAUSE WAS FOUND–THE BEST GUESS WAS A BIRTH CONTROL PILL I HAD STARTED A FEW WEEKS B4, OR BECUZ I HAD HIT MY HEAD A FEW DAYS B4, CAUSING BLEEDING, & I HAVE A SMALL BLOOD VESSEL IN MY BRAIN. THE DOCTORS DIDN’T THINK I WAS HAVING A STROKE, BUT I HAD A MASSIVE BRAINSTEM STROKE IN THE PONS AREA (WORST THE DOCTOR HAD SEEN), & HE GAVE ME 24 HRS. TO LIVE!

WHEN I WAS TOLD THAT I’D ONLY BLINK & NEVER SPEAK OR MOVE, I DIDN’T BELIEVE THE DOCTORS, & I EXPECTED 2 BE UP, DOING LAUNDRY & CARING FOR MY KIDS, W/IN THE YEAR. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS IN FOR, BUT THERE WAS A SMALL FIRE BURNING IN ME, & “ The starting point of all achievement is DESIRE. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desire brings weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat.” (Napoleon Hill)

WHEN I ACCEPTED THINGS, IT REALLY SHOOK MY FAITH… I BEGAN FEELING LIKE JOB (IN THE BIBLE), AS I SAW SATAN TAKE AWAY THINGS, & GOD LETTING IT HAPPEN, SO JOB COULD PROVE THAT EVEN WITH IT ALL GONE, HE COULD STILL PRAISE GOD. SADLY, I CAN’T SAY I DID THAT. MY 1ST JOURNAL ENTRY SAID THAT I WANTED TO DIE! I FELT ABANDONED, & IT WAS HARD 2 PRAY. I FELT OTHER PEOPLE’S PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED, BUT NOT MINE. IN THE SCRIPTURES, WE ARE TOLD 2 ASK, SEEK, & KNOCK, & I FELT LIKE I WAS POUNDING ON A DOOR, BUT NOT GETTING AN ANSWER!

AT THE TIME, IT SEEMED UNFAIR –I WAS STRIPPED OF SO MANY OF MY TALENTS, SO I COULDN’T DO WHAT I LOVED (LIKE SING OR DANCE), OR USE MY TALENTS (IN ARTS & CRAFTS) 2 BUILD UP GOD’S KINGDOM. I FELT I HAD BEEN BLESSED WITH SO MANY TALENTS THAT COULD ONLY BENEFIT THE CHURCH. WHY TAKE IT ALL AWAY? HAD I DONE SOMETHING WRONG? 2 MAKE MATTERS WORSE, I’D ALWAYS HATED BLOOD WORK, NEEDLES, EXERCISE, & GREEN FOODS, BUT THAT WAS ALL MY LIFE CONSISTED OF NOW! I WONDERED WHY HE WOULD DO THAT TO ME? I WAS A GOOD PERSON!

LUCKILY, AS A YOUNG CHILD, I LEARNED THAT “I AM A CHILD OF GOD,” & AS A YOUNG WOMAN (YW), EVERY WEEK, I RECITED THE YW THEME, REMINDING ME THAT I WAS A DAUGHTER OF GOD, & THAT GOD LOVED ME. THE SEED OF FAITH HAD BEEN PLANTED IN MY YOUTH, BUT COULD IT GROW? COULD I PUT THOSE THINGS THAT I HAD BEEN TAUGHT INTO PRACTICE? I HAD MY HUSBAND TO PULL ME THROUGH! UNLIKE JOB, I HAVE HAD THE SUPPORT OF MY FAMILY THROUGH IT ALL. I CAN DO NOTHING W/O GOD & MY FAMILY.

I LEARNED THAT I HAD 2 CHOICES: BASICALLY, SULK & BE MISERABLE, OR CHANGE MY ATTITUDE, MY SITUATION, & SEE THE GOOD & THE BLESSINGS. SO, I KEPT PRAYING & GOING 2 CHURCH, EVEN THOUGH AT TIMES, IT WAS ONLY SO I COULD SET AN EXAMPLE 4 MY KIDS. I KNEW THAT IF I CONTINUED 2 EXERCISE MY SPIRITUAL MUSCLES, MY FAITH & TESTIMONY WOULD GROW, & I’D SEE THAT I WASN’T ABANDONED, EVENTUALLY, I SAW HOW GOD WAS THERE MORE THAN EVER, & I REALIZED THAT DYING WOULDN’T MAKE IT ALL BETTER. I HAD BEEN GIVEN A CHALLENGING SITUATION, BY A GOD WHO LOVED ME, & KNEW I COULD HANDLE IT, & IT WOULD MOLD ME & MY FAMILY INTO WHO WE SHOULD BE, SO WE COULD BE AN ETERNAL FAMILY.

I HAVE COME A LONG WAY, FAR SURPASSED THE DOCTOR’S PREDICTIONS, & IN A WAY, I HAVE ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED MORE THAN IF IT HAD NOT HAPPENED (LIKE I’VE PUBLISHED AN ARTICLE & SCRAPBOOK PAGE, ETC.)

WHENEVER I FEEL ALONE, I KNOW GOD IS THERE & LOVES ME NO MATTER WHAT. GOD DOESN’T CARE WHAT I LOOK LIKE. GOD DOESN’T CARE IF I CAN’T WALK. WHEN I CAN’T SPEAK, GOD KNOWS THE THOUGHTS I CAN’T SAY. & ANYTIME I HURT PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY, I AM REMINDED THAT CHRIST ATONED FOR ME TOO, & HAS FELT MY PAIN.

I AM SOOO GRATEFUL FOR MY MUSICAL BACKGROUND, BECUZ I DID IT THROUGH MUSIC THERAPY:
1. I SLOWED DOWN MY BREATHING 2 SLOW, RELAXING MUSIC (I TRIED TO ONLY INHALE FOR 2 COUNTS, THEN EXHALE FOR TWO COUNTS), THEN
2. I STARTED TRYING TO TAKE VOLUNTARY BREATHS IN RHYTHM W/THE MUSIC (I WOULD INHALE ON CERTAIN BEATS IN A MEASURE)
3. THEN I TRIED 2 INCREASE MY BREATHE SUPPORT, HOLDING MY AIR & CONTROLLING THE RELEASE OF AIR (I STILL INHALED FOR 2 COUNTS, BUT I TRIED TO EXHALE FOR 3, THEN 4 COUNTS, ON A REALLY SLOW SONG)—I NEEDED MORE AIR TO SUPPORT A WORD!
4. I STARTED SINGING “AH” ON A SCALE, MATCHING PITCHES ON THE PIANO KEYBOARD
5. I HOLD OUT THE “AAH’S,” & THEN CHANGE THE “AAH’S” TO WORDS
6. AS MY BREATH SUPPORT INCREASES, I CAN START PUTTING WORDS TOGETHER, UNTIL THE WORDS BECOME SENTENCES
I THINK I STARTED MUSIC THERAPY IN 2005 OR 2006, & SINCE ABOUT 2011, I’M FINALLY SEEING PROGRESS/RESULTS.