Do you find you are somewhat apprehensive/afraid to do things you did before even though you can do them now, even if it takes longer?

NOT REALLY, BUT THE STROKE INCREASED MY ANXIETY LEVELS. WHILE I’M NOT APPREHENSIVE ABOUT TRYING THINGS THAT I DID PRE-STROKE, IF THE EXPIERENCE IS SOMETHING NEW 2 ME, ANXIETY MAY GET IN THE WAY.

& IF IT INVOLVES PBA, IT’S A YES. NOT FUN 2 MAKE A SCENE & SOB, IF I’M JUST SLIGHTLY FRUSTRATED OR ANNOYED. & I AM INFURIATED IF I LAUGH AT A MISBEHAVING CHILD OR WHEN SOME1 UPSETS ME! SOME EMOTIONAL STUFF IS JUST EASIER 2 HIDE FROM. MY PBA PILL, NEUDEXTA HELPS 2 A POINT, BUT MY BODY SOMETIMES SEEMS 2 BE “GETTING USED TO IT.” OR MAYBE I’M EITHER 4GETTING HOW BAD IT WAS W/O IT, OR I’M “PUSHING THE LIMITS!” LOL

BUT USUALLY,I LIKE CHALLENGES & IT IS A CHALLENGE 2 CONQUER THINGS 1-HANDED, OR TO BE STRONG ENOUGH! I LOVE FEELING THE SUCCESS, & AM 2 STUBBORN 2 GIVE IN. & IT GETS OLD ALWAYS ASKING FOR HELP!

FUNNY: TUESDAY, MY SON WAS SITTING ON A CURB AT SEA WORLD, & I COULD’VE ASKED HIM 2 MOVE MY LEFT FOOT BACK, ONTO THE FOOTREST, BUT INSTEAD, I CAREFULLY DROVE TOWARDS THE CURB, 2 PUSH MY OWN FOOT BACK. MY SON COMMENTED HOW I COULD’VE JUST ASKED, & THAT IS TRUE…BUT I DIDN’T ASK. SOME OF THAT WAS MY TODDLER-LIKE ATTITUDE OF, “I WANT 2 DO IT MYSELF,” & SOME WAS THAT I JUST GET TIRED OF ASKING 4 HELP W/EVERYTHING, AND SOME IS JUST LIKING THE CHALLENGE OF FINDING A CREATIVE SOLUTION!

TALKING WHEN UPSET

I’’M HITTING THE “PEAK” OF MY “GOOD TALKING CYCLE” RIGHT NOW, SO I AM HAVING MORE DAYS WHERE I CAN TALK. & SOMETIMES THERE ARE MIXED FEELINGS WHEN I TALK WELL.

4 EX., WHEN I GET UPSET W/MY KIDS, OBVIOUSLY, I SOMEHOW TAKE IN MORE AIR, & AM LOUDER, BUT FOR SOME REASON, I CONTROL THE RELASE OF MY AIR BETTER, SO I AM ABLE 2 BE CLEARER. FEW PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THIS OCCUR (EXCEPT MAYBE MK’S DAD, & 1 OF MY KID’S FRIENDS), BECUZ IN ORDER 4 IT 2 HAPPEN, I’M USUALLY HOME ALONE W/THE KIDS, & I AM REALLY UPSET, WISHING I COULD PHYSICALLY MOVE, SO I GUESS ALL MY ENERGY & ADRENALINE GOES INTO MY SPEECH!.

MONDAY, I HAD A CHILD DRIVING ME CRAZY…I HAD ALREADY TOLD THIS KID 3 TIMES TO DO A CHORE, THEN MK CAME HOME & ALL THE KIDS GOT TALKED TO ABOUT THE JOB, & WHEN THE KIDS WERE TOLD TO FINISH THE JOB, THIS KID CONTINUED 2 TRY TO GET OUT OF THE SAME PART OF THE JOB THAT HE/SHE HAD BEEN AVOIDING ALL DAY! I WAS FURIOUS & YELLED AT THIS KID TO “DO IT NOW!” (POINTING AT IT)

THE CHILD BRIEFLY SMILED AT ME, & ANOTHER CHILD WAS SO BLOWN AWAY BY ME, HE/SHE EXCLAIMED, “MOM,!” & HUGGED ME…IT CAN BE SUPER TOUGH SOMETIMES 2 STAY IN THE MODE OF DISCIPLINARIAN WHEN THIS OCCURS, & I THINK THE KIDS AREN’T SURE IF THEY SHOULD BE MAD AT ME, OR PROUD OF MY SPEECH! LOL I KNOW SOPH HAS POINTED THAT OUT—ABOUT HOW SHE CAN HAVE CONFLICTING FEELINGS ABOUT MY ABILITY 2 SPEAK WHEN SHE IS DISCIPLINED!

OOPS!

U ALL ARE NICE, & NO1 MENTIONED THIS (THOUGH BET SOME1 NOTICED!), BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT, & HAD 2 CHECK…

I OBVIOUSLY THINK FASTER THAN I TYPE, SO I USUALLY WAIT 24 HRS. AFTER TYPING A POST, SO I CATCH TYPOS. BUT I DIDN’T THIS TIME, SO I APOLOGIZE: I MESSED UP IN DESCRIBING A KEYBOARD:

IF U R ON MIDDLE C & GO RIGHT, U LAND ON THE D KEY, THEN THE E KEY, THEN THE F KEY, THEN THE G KEY, THEN U START OVER & HAVE THE A KEY…

I’M SO EXCITED!

I FEEL GOD’S HAND IN MY LIFE AGAIN…WHEN CARA LEFT, I FOUND A NEW CAREGIVER/”HELPER.” & MY “HELPER” BRINGS HER BABY 2 WORK. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED BABIES, BUT NOW I HAVE A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS, & UNDERSTAND THEM MORE, CUZ I HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON WITH BABIES!

MY “HELPER’S” BABY, & I “TALK”—SOPH GETS A KICK OUT OF SEEING US HAVE A CONVERSATION, CUZ WE BOTH SAY THINGS NO1 ELSE UNDERSTANDS, BUT WE ACT LIKE WE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER! LOL I ALSO DO A LOT OF COPYING HIM (LIKE WATCHING & TRYING 2 COPY HOW HE MAKES MOTORCYCLE NOISES OR PRETENDS 2 COUGH) OR I’LL TRY 2 SCREAM LOUDER THAN HIM! ANGIE PUTS UP W/IT SO WELL! LOL IT’S A MIRACLE HOW WELL SHE PUTS UP W/IT! LOL

BETWEEN ANGIE’S BABY, & THIS E-STIM AB BELT THAT MK FOUND 4 ME, I HAVE REALLY BEEN STRENGTHENING MY ABS, WHICH SHOULD HELP NOT ONLY W/MY SPEECH, BUT HOPEFULLY 2 BUILD MY CORE, SO I CAN EVENTUALLY WALK!

YESTERDAY, I WAS SO EXCITED! U’LL NEED 2 BE MUSICAL 2 TRULY GET THIS, BUT I’LL DO MY BEST 2 EXPLAIN IT. MAYBE THIS’LL HELP: THE NOTES ON A KEYBOARD ARE NAMED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER, FROM A 2 G. SO IF U START ON C, THEN TO THE RIGHT IS THE F KEY, THEN THE G KEY, & THEN IT STARTS OVER AS THE A KEY. TO THE LEFT IS THE D KEY, THEN THE C KEY, THEN ANOTHER A KEY. ARE U FOLLOWING, OR DID I ALREADY LOSE U? LOL.

MONDAY WAS A GREAT VOCAL DAY, SO I WAS PRACTICING MY MUSIC THERAPY (MATCHING PITCHES I HEARD ON THE KEYBOARD W/MY VOICE, DOING AN OCTAVE SLIDE FROM ONE B KEY, UP TO THE NEXT B KEY, & PRACTICING THE PLAYING & SINGING A SONG)

AFTER RESTING, I WENT BACK 2 MATCHING PITCHES, & NOTICED THAT I WAS DOING VERY LITTLE SLIDING (LIKE NORMAL) 2 REACH A PITCH, SO I DECIDED 2 SEE HOW HIGH I COULD GO…I WENT TO THE HIGH A (LIKE OVER AN OCTAVE ABOVE MIDDLE C)–! IN OTHER WORDS, SUPER HIGH! I HAVEN’T REACHED THAT PITCH SINCE MY STROKE! AFTER E, THERE COULDBE NO SLIDING–I HAD 2 PUNCH IT HARD, & HIT THE NOTE. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT, SO I DID IT AGAIN! LIKE THE 3RD OR 4TH TIME, I WAS TIRED (I PRACTICED LIKE 30 MIN.), STARTED SLIDING 2 MATCH PITCHES, & COULDN’T GET ABOVE E–BUT, STILL! I WAS SO EXCITED!

L8R THAT DAY, I DID “CANDLE THERAPY” W/ANGIE, & BLEW THE CANDLE OUT 25 TIMES IN 2 MIN., INSTEAD OF 20-30 MIN.! MY AB MUSCLES JUST WERE PULLING IN QUICK & SHARP… THEN L8R, I SHOWED MY MOM THE SONG I’M PLAYING AS I SING (IT WASN’T GREAT, BUT THX 2 MY NEW PBA DRUGS I COULD GET THROUGH IT OK!), & THE INCREDIBLE RANGE I HAD YESTERDAY… MY MOM CRIED…I DON’T KNOW IF IT WAS CUZ I CAN DO IT, OR CUZ I SHOWED HER (LOL–AS A KID, I WAS SHY, & WOULDN’T SING IN FRONT OF HER!) I DIDN’T THINK I COULD DO IT AGAIN, BUT I COULD, & EVEN THOUGH I SLID WHEN I SHOWED MY MOM, IT WAS A SHORT SLIDE, & IT WAS EASIER! GO FIGURE!

I CAN’T DO IT 2DAY (MY AB MUSCLES ARE SORE THOUGH, SO MAYBE THAT HAS SOMETHING 2 DO WITH IT!), BUT I’M SINGING VERY WELL-MORE ON PITCH & I’M HAVING AN EASIER TIME HITTING THE HIGH NOTES IN SONGS EASIER!

What frustrates you, and how do you deal with the frustration?

BESIDES HANDICAPPED PARKING? 🙂

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, THERE ARE THINGS THAT PEEVE ME. JUST WHAT BOTHERS ME MAY BE UNIQUE. BUT I STARTED LISTING THINGS, & GOT VERY DEPRESSED. I REALIZED THAT ONE OF MY WAYS 2 DEAL W/FRUSTRATIONIS 2 SORT OF PUSH THEM ASIDE…NOT TO IGNORE THEM (BECUZ I SURELY DON’T—MY JOURNAL IS FILLED W/THEM!), BUT MORSO SO THEY DON’T CONSUME MY THOUGHTS. IT IS VERY DANGEROUS 4 ME 2 ALLOW MYSELF 2 THINK NEGATIVELY!

SO, I’D RATHER FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE, SHARING 10 WAYS OF HOW I DEAL W/FRUSTRATION.
1. IS OBVIOUSLY 2 THINK POSITIVE.
2. PRAYER. IF I NEED STRENGTH OR COMFORT, GOD & CHRIST KNOW WHAT I NEED.
3. FAITH IN CHRIST
4. TIME, 2 HELP ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE.
5. HUMOR—MY OWN & I ENJOY BEING AROUND OTHERS WHO MAKE ME LAUGH/SMILE!
6. TYPE IN MY JOURNAL—MY HUSBAND JOKES THAT IF I TYPE THERE, I’M EITHER REALLY HAPPY, OR SUPER MAD! TYPING HELPS ME PROCESS MY WORLD!
7. EDUCATE MYSELF—I LOVE GOOGLE, & MY STROKE GROUPS (THROUGH YAHOO) PROVIDE GREAT RESOURCES, WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, & UNDERSTANDING/COMFORT
8. I 1ST HAD COMMON PHRASES ON A KEYRING, THAT I’D SHOW PEOPLE (LIKE “HI, MY NAME IS JENNY. I CAN’T SPEAK, BUT I CAN NOD YES/NO”, OR “PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR”). I HAVE SINCE LEARNED 2 WRITE. MY BOOGIEBOARD (FROM BROOKSTONE) IS PRICELESS! I ALSO HAVE AN APP ON MY I-PAD THAT ALLOWS ME 2 TYPE & SPEAK
9. TRY 2 DO THINGS BY MYSELF
10. MY HUSBAND IS A THERAPIST, & HELPED US 2 IDENTIFY OUR COPING SKILLS. SOME OF MINE: LISTENING 2 RELAXING MUSIC, GOING 2 A MOVIE, READING SCRIPTURES, CRYING ALONE IN MY ELEVATOR (2”LET IT OUT”)…

BUT NOW THAT I CAN DO IT, I LIKE 2 TALK 2 MYSELF,. I’VE NEVER SWORN & DON’T INTEND 2 START NOW, BUT I ENJOY THE FACT, AT TIMES, THAT PEOPLE CAN’T UNDERSTAND ME (THOUGH I HAVE 2 WATCH IT, IF SOPHIA’S AROUND–I’M AMAZED AT WHAT SHE UNDERSTANDS)! SAYING “OUCH” SOMEHOW HELPS ME RELEASE PAIN, & SAYING THINGS–EVEN IF ONLY I UNDERSTAND–SOMEHOW MAKES YOU FEEL LESS FRUSTRATED!