I WAS TOLD I’D NEVER SPEAK AGAIN, W/O THE AID OF A MACHINE, & I REMEMBER THINKING, “YEAH, RIGHT!”

“Everything is possible. The impossible just takes longer. ”
Dan Brown

MY HUSBAND’S, MARK’S, DAD VISITED FOR 2 DAYS LAST WEEK (TUESDAY NIGHT & WEDNESDAY), & WOULD JUST SIT & TALK TO ME—HE KNOWS HOW 2 READ MY ASL, BUT HE WILL NOT LET ME SIGN. WHEN I’D 1ST START TALKING 2 HIM, SOMETIMES IT WAS HARD IN THE BEGINNING 2 SPEAK, BUT ONCE I’D “WARMED UP” & RELAXED, I WOULD TALK VERY CLEAR & WELL!

WHEN I WOKE ON WEDNESDAY, I KNEW HE’D WANT ME 2 TALK, BUT I COULDN’T SPEAK, FOR SOME REASON (USUALLY IF I WARM UP WELL THE PREVIOUS DAY—WHICH I DID—I TALK WELL), BUT I DIDN’T TALK WELL! IN FACT, WHEN I TRIED 2 WARM UP MY VOICE THAT MORNING, I COULDN’T DO MUCH! IT WAS VERY FRUSTRATING, & I WANTED TO GIVE UP…& I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE IF MARK’S DAD HADN’T BEEN THERE, BUT I KNEW I HAD TO SOMEHOW TALK, CUZ HIS DAD’S TOO STUBBORN TO GIVE IN TO A “BAD SPEAKING DAY!”

MY HELPER, ANGIE, BRINGS HER SON, & HE IS MUCH THE SAME WAY, ONLY HE’S NOT STUBBORN—HE JUST KNOWS I TALK, SO HE’LL ASK ME STUFF & JUST EXPECT MY ANSWER…4 EX., IF HIS MOM RAN UPSTAIRS, HE’LL FIND ME, LOOK UP AT ME, & ASK ME WHERE SHE IS. (SIDENOTE: HOW I HATED THE PAST WHEN KIDS WOULD ASK ME STUFF LIKE THAT, & ALL I COULD DO WAS STARE BACK!) I TELL HIM, “SHE UPSTAIRS. BE RIGHT BACK.” OFTEN I HAVE 2 KEEP REPEATING, “BE RIGHT BACK,” BUT JUST HEARING ME TALK, EVEN IF HE CAN’T UNDERSTAND ME, USUALLY HELPS HIM, SOMEHOW!

IN THE APPROACHING SEASON OF GRATITUDE, I WANT 2 EXPRESS MY THANKS 4 A FEW THINGS:
1. THERE IS NOTHING SO THRILLING AS BEING ASKED IF I HAVE EATEN, & BE ABLE 2 RESPOND, “YES, I FED MYSELF!” BESIDES THE FACT THAT I VOCALIZE MY RESPONSE, IT IS GLORIOUS 2 BE ABLE 2 PICK & FEED MYSELF! OF COURSE, MY CHOICES OF WHAT I FIX MYSELF ARE LIMITED, SO I USUALLY HAVE OTHERS GET THE FOOD FOR ME. BUT I USUALLY ONLY EAT ½ OF MY FOOD, & I LOVE BEING ABLE TO PICK WHAT PARTS I’LL EAT (I KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES I WAS FULL, BUT KEPT EATINGUNTIL I WAS FED THE PIECE I WANTED! BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IT CAN BE “DANGEROUS” THAT I CAN FEED MYSELF!)
2. THERE ALSO IS NOTHING SO THRILLING AS:2 BE ASKED A QUESTION FROM ANOTHER ROOM, BE UNDERSTOOD, & RECEIVE A RESPONSE!
3. BUT IT’S JUST AS THRILLING 2 NEED A GLASS OF WATER & GET IT MYSELF?(MIND U, IT’S STILL TONS FASTER IF SOME1 ELSE DOES IT, SO I USUALLY HAVE HELP STILL, BUT THE ANXIETY FROM THE DEPENDENCE IS GONE!)
4. TALKING TO SOMEONE WHILE EATING, & NOT NEEDING 2 CLEAN MY HAND OFF 1ST.
5. HOLDING A SPEAKING CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE.
6. BEING UNDERSTOOD THROUGH THE PHONE.

WHEN I BEGAN MUSIC THERAPY, AT 1ST, MK WAS THERE W/ME 2 INTERPRET MY ASL. WHEN HE STOPPED COMING, I WOULD EMAIL ALL MY THOUGHTS AFTER A SESSION. IT WAS AWESOME WHEN I STARTED WRITING & COULD IMMEDIATELY RESPOND, CUZ MY THERAPIST COULD HELP ME BETTER, SO I SAW MYSELF PROGRESS FASTER, & SOON AFTER, I STARTED TALKING MORE–BUT I STUCK TO THINGS THAT HAD CONTEXT CLUES. NOW I CAN SPEAK ABOUT MORE RANDOM STUFF, LIKE THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD, & IT IS BECOMING COMMON FOR ME TO ONLY SPEAK DURING MUSIC THERAPY!

RECENTLY MY SISTER CAME BY AFTER THERAPY (SO I WAS “PRIMED” 4 TALKING) TO EAT LUNCH WITH ME. I SWEAR MOMS WITH TODDLERS CAN EASILY UNDERSTAND ME, SO I WAS ABLE TO ACTUALLY HOLD A CHOPPY CONVERSATION WITH HER AS I ATE. TOO COOL!

THURSDAY, SEPT. 12, I DID A LOT OF GOOD TALKING: 4 SOME REASON, I SOMETIMES CAN SPEAK SOOO WELL AT HOME. ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST SEEMS TO MAKE ME TALK WHEREVER SHE SEES ME (I’M NOT SURE WHY I RESPOND SO WELL TO HER, CUZ SHE CAN SIGN, & WILL LET ME SIGN, BUT SHE REALLY ENJOYS TELLING PEOPE 2 NOT BE FOOLED BECUZ I CAN TALK!) WHEN SHE VISITED LAST WEEK, SHE WATCHED MY MOUTH MORE THAN MY HAND! SOOO COOL!

LATER THAT SAME DAY, ANOTHER FRIEND CAME BY TO VISIT. SHE DOESN’T KNOW MY ASL, BUT WE HAVE WORKED TOGETHER, & SHE HAS HEARD ME READ SCRIPTURES, PRAY, & SHARE IDEAS WEEKLY AT A MEETING IN MY HOME, WHERE I SPEAK BEST. SHE WAS ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ME TOO!

ALSO THAT SAME DAY, MY DAUGHTER, JESSICA, 4GOT HER PHONE, SO SHE CALLED ME THAT NIGHT WHEN SHE RAN AN ERRAND 4 ME, & WAS TRYING TO STAY THERE LONGER…WE HAVE A SYSTEM SO I CAN BEEP YES/NO INSTEAD OF TALK ON THE PHONE, BUT I HAD 2 SAY A FEW THINGS, SINCE THEY WEREN?T YES/NO (LIKE THE TIME SHE WAS EXPECTED HOME). SHE KEPT TRYING OUT DIFFERENT SCENARIOS TO GET ME TO SAY YES TO STAYING, BUT WHEN THE “WHAT IF IT RAINS” SCENARIO CAME UP, W/O THINKING (WHICH IS ALWAYS WHEN I’M THE CLEAREST 4 SOME REASON), I SAID LOUDLY, “THEN COME HOME NOW!” SHE LAUGHED, & I WAS SO HAPPY I WAS UNDERSTOOD ON THE PHONE!

& ON FRIDAY, SEPT. 13, I JOKINGLY TOLD MY THERAPIST THAT I THINK MY THERAPY SHOULD JUST BE SITTING & TALKING W/FRIENDS, BUT SHE AGREED THAT IT’S GREAT THERAPY! MARK ITTLEMAN, A WELL KNOWN SPEECH THERAPIST, SAID “RECENT RESEARCH … STATES THAT LANGUAGE IMPROVES IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO FREQUENCY OF STIMULATION, INTENSITY OF REPETITION, AND WHETHER THE LANGUAGE STIMULATED MAKES SENSE AND IS IMMEDIATELY USABLE TO THE PERSON WHO HAS DIFFICULTY SPEAKING. THAT IS WHY THE HOME IS SUCH A PERFECT PLACE FOR LANGUAGE STIMULATION AND WHY CAREGIVERS CAN REALLY HELP MAKE THE DIFFERENCE WITH HOME PRACTICE.”

HOWEVER, BESIDES THE FACT THAT I TALK 2 QUIET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE , I FACE A SPEAKING DILEMNA NOW: SOMETIMES I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING! IT’S WONDERFUL IN MANY WAYS, BUT EXHAUSTING TOO, SO SOMETIMES IT’S JUST EASIER 2 SIGN, & BE DONE WITH IT IN SOME WAYS. BUT I’VE ALSO FOUND THAT SPEAKING NOT ONLY INCLUDES HARD WORK, & FAITH IN MYSELF, BUT ALSO FAITH IN OTHERS!

ALSO, THERE’S A BUMP IN THE ROAD: AFTER I EAT, OR WHEN I SIT & DON’T TALK 4 AWHILE, I MAY NEED 2 CLEAR MY THROAT IN ORDER 2 SPEAK. BUT I AM UNABLE 2 CLEAR MY THROAT! SINCE IT REQUIRES SEVERAL SPEAKING ATTEMPTS 2 SPEAK, IF I JUST NEED TO SAY YES/NO, I NOD…IT ISN’T WORTH THE FIGHT, IF I’LL JUST BE SITTING ALONE QUIETLY, & NEED 2 CLEAR MY THROAT AGAIN! LOL BUT WHO EVER HEARD OF A PERFECT ROAD ANYWAY?!?

FRIDAY WAS A DIFFERENT DAY. USUALLY, I SEE EVERYONE B4 THEY HEAD OFF, SO WE PRAY & I GET FED BREAKFAST, BUT BY A FLUKE, I DIDN’T SEE THE KIDS OFF, & MK HAD AN EMERGENCY CALL, SO I DIDN’T GET 2 TALK 2 HIM B4 HE LEFT! SO NO1 WAS AROUND 2 GIVE ME BREAKFAST OR MY MORNING MEDS! BUT I DIDN’T FREAK—IN FACT, I WAS SURE I COULD DO IT, CUZ I HAD ALMOST DONE IT ON TUES.!

1. I WENT & PULLED OUT ENOUGH PAPER TOWELS 2 MAKE A BIB, & PUT IT ON.
2. I GOT A SPOON FROM OUR DRAWER.
3. I GOT A PAPER BOWL FROM OUR PANTRY—THIS WAS TRICKY, & I MAY HAVE SQUISHED A FEW THINGS (DESPITE MY CONSTANT PLEAS 2 KEEP THE PANTRY FLOOR CLEAR, THERE WAS A FEW THINGS), BUT I BROUGHT THE BACK OF MY CHAIR FWD. & LEANED FWD., SO I’D SQUISH LESS!
4. THIS PART I GIVE A SHOUT-OUT & THX JESS 4 SHOWING ME HOW 2 DO (SHE SAT IN MY LAP ONE DAY & SHOWED ME HOW SHE’D DO THIS, IF SHE WAS ME): I OPENED THE FRIDGE & DRAWER, & GOT OUT COTTAGE CHEESE. THIS WAS ACTUALLY TRICKY—LUCKY MY BACK WAS FWD SO I HAD MORE ROOM, BUT THE COTTAGE CHEESE WAS ON IT’S SIDE & HARD 2 GRASP, SO I ALMOST RESORTED 2 THE APPLESAUCE NEXT 2 IT, BUT I DECIDED 2 1ST TRY RAISING MY CHAIR UP, SO MY ARM WAS ANGLED DIFFERENT, & IT WORKED!
5. OUR CLEANERS CAME IN AS I WAS CLOSING THE FRIDGE—THE EXACT POINT I HAD GOTTEN TO ON TUES.! BUT THEY SPEAK SPANISH, & MAY NOT KNOW I DON’T NORMALLY DO THIS, SO WE SAID HI, & I KEPT GOING.
6. I OPENED THE COTTAGE CHEESE, GOT MY MEDICINE OUT OF MY PILL CASE, ATE, & CLEANED UP!

SPEAKING OF MY GROWING INDEPENDENCE,, ZACH TURNED 16 IN JULY, & WHEN ZACH GOT HIS DRIVER S LICENSE, IT IS AS THOUGH I DID, TOO! I HAVE A NEW-FOUND INDEPENDENCE: NOT ONLY CAN I SEND ZACH ON IMMEDIATE ERRANDS FOR ME (INSTEAD OF WAITING HOURS, DAYS, WEEKS, OR MONTHS FOR IT), BUT I CAN ALSO GO PLACES W/O MK, & ZACH CAN HELP MK CART KIDS AROUND NOW TOO. IT IS AWESOME! (HOWEVER, I COUNT MY BLESSINGS THAT I NEVER DROVE W/ZACH UNTIL NOW! LOL)

AUGUST MARKED NOT ONLY A BIG BIRTHDAY 4 ME, BUT ALSO HALFWAY POINT: 9.3 YEARS AGO, I HAD MY STROKE. IT HAS NOW BEEN 9.5 YEARS SINCE MY STROKE. THAT’S ALMOST 10 YEARS! 10 YEARS IS A LONG TIME, & I DON’T KNOW HOW MK DOES IT!

HOWEVER, MY KIDS ARE SHOWING THE WEAR & TEAR: THEY ARE SLOWER TO RESPOND TO HELP ME WHEN I RING MY BELL, & THEY NO LONGER CHEER IF I COME ALONG ON OUTTINGS–I’D GUESS CUZ THEY ARE NO LONGER NAIVE 2 WHAT IT MAY MEAN…)

BUT 10 YEARS AGO, I ONLY DREAMED ABOUT FEEDING MYSELF, AMONGST THE OTHER STUFF I CAN NOW DO! IT IS A LONG TIME 4 ME TOO! ON 1 HAND, I’VE COME SO FAR IN 10 YEARS, YET ON THE OTHER, I THINK, “IT’S TAKEN ME 10 YEARS TO DO THAT?!?” BUT EITHER WAY, IT FEELS GOOD!