Recovery

BAGEL

THERE IS AN ILLNESS THAT’S CIRCULATED MY ENTIRE FAMILY. I FEEL IT STARTING. IF I CAN FORCE MYSELF 2 REST, I MAY BEAT IT, BUT IT’S SO UNLIKE ME 2 REST! SO, I’M DETERMINED 2 POST B4 IT HITS!

NOTHING HAS REALLY SEEMED SIGNIFICANT 2 POST, BUT MAYBE U’D FIND INTEREST THAT ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I HAD MY 1ST BAGEL, IN 4 YEARS! &, EVEN BETTER, AFTER THE INTIAL TASTE, I FED IT 2 MYSELF (THE CREAM CHEESE IS IN A ROLLED-UP BAGEL, SO IT IS MESS-FREE).

FEEDING MYSELF IS NOTHING NEW: I DID IT AWHILE BACK…BUT I HATED IT—MORE FOOD WAS ON ME, THAN IN ME. THE WRIST STRENGTH & CORDINATION R , SO NOW, I LOVE FEEDING MYSELF!

HAD A BAGEL AGAIN 2DAY, BUT I GET WEAK WHEN I DON’T FEEL GREAT, SO IT WAS SOOO HARD 2 EVEN LIFT MY WRIST!

DINNER

JUST A NOTE, BECCAUSE I DID 1 OF THE COOLEST THINGS EVER, ON WED. NIGHT—USING MY ARM SUPPORT & FINGER FOODS FROM ARBY'S, I FED MYSELF DINNER! BUT WAIT! THAT'S NOT ALL! I DRANK WATER 2, USING MY NEW CUP W/A STRAW! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?

GRANTED, I HAVEN'T MASTERED THE STRAW, & CAN CHOLE IF I GET A BIG GULP, ESP. SINCE I TILT MY CHAIR, ESP. 4 FLUIDS, BUT HEY, IT'S A START!

SO EXCITED!

STROKE-AVERSARY

IT'S MY 4TH STROKE-AVERSARY: IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S BEEN 4 YRS. SINCE I STROKED. I WAS RECENTLY REMINDED OF THE 1ST YEAR AFTER I STROKED— BY FAR, THAT 1ST YEAR IS REALLY A STRUGGLE, 4 EVERY1—NOT JUST ME. GLAD IT IS FAR PAST, & THAT I'VE SURVIVED LONG ENOUGH 2 OUTLIVE THE NIGHTMARE I WAS DAILY LIVING—

AFTER MY STROKE, I REALIZED THAT, .LIKE IT OR NOT, I WAS HERE THIS WAY, & MADE THE CHOICE 2 TRY 2 MOVE FWD & MAKE THE BEST OF IT. EVEN NOW, THERE R TOUGH DAYS, BUT NOW MY LIFE SEEMS WORTHWHILE & IT GIVES ME A WILL 2 KEEP LIVING (MOST LOCKED-IN DIE W/IN A YEAR OR 2—I BELIEVE FROM THE LACK OF FEELING THEIR LIFE IS WORTHWHILE. AS A WIFE & YOUNG MOTHER, & DUE 2 MY RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, I WAS CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF MY WORTH. NOW, I’M 4 YEARS POST-STROKE, SO I'VE HAD A CHANCE 2 CHANGE MY VIEWPOINT!)

MY FAITH HELPED TONS 2 CHANGE MY VIEWPOINT, SINCE FAMILIES R CONSIDERED SO IMPORTANT, & I BELIEVE THAT SOMEDAY THERE WILL BE A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, & MY BODY WILL AGAIN WORK. I MAY HAVE 2 DIE B4 THAT HAPPENS, & MY BODY WILL AGAIN WORK, BUT LIFE IS SHORT & I BELEIVE IT’S POSSIBLE, THROUGH CHRIST…THAT MAKES ME KEEP CHUGGING ALONG.

IN OCT., I “SPOKE" AT AN INTERNATIONAL DRS. CONFERENCE. A BIG QUES. WAS IF THEY SHOULD PULL THE PLUG 4 OTHERS LIKE ME…TOUGH 2 ANSWER, BECAUSE EVERY SITUATION IS SO DIFFERENT. I’VE NEVER EVER WANTED LIFE SUPPORT, BUT WHEN I STROKED, I WANTED THEM 2 DO ALL THEY COULD, AT THAT MOMENT.

THE 1ST 3 MONTHS, I COULD MOVE NOTHING, BUT MY EYELIDS, & LAID IN A BED. MY HUSBAND REALLY WAS A STRONG ADVOCATE & FOUGHT 4 ME & KNEW ME WELL ENOUGH 2 THINK, “JENNY WOULDN’T STAND 4 THAT!”

STILL, I HAD DAYS. IT CAN BE TOUGH PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY. THOSE WHO CARE 4 ME, HAD 2 MAKE THE CHOICE WHETHER OR NOT I LIVED, BECAUSE IT ALSO MUST BE WEIGHED HOW MUCH U R WILLING 2 GIVE UP 4 THAT PERSON, IF THEY LIVE. NO DOCTOR CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE. THE STROKEE CAN'T MAKE THAT CHOICE. (BESIDES, THE ROAD IS SO ROCKY, I’M GLAD I DIDN’T DECIDE, OR, DEPENDING ON THE DAY, I WOULD’VE ANSWERED DIFFERENT!) I TOLD THE DOCTOR’S 2 LET FAMILY DECIDE, SINCE THEY NEED 2 WEIGH HOW THEIR LIVES WILL SERIOUSLY CHANGE.

FOOD

OH HAPPY DAY! IT'S CLOSE TO 4 YEARS SINCE HAD THE FREEDOM 2 THINK, "I'M HUNGRY," & JUST GO GET A SNACK. SO, I DON'T SNACK—IT'S JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE OF FINDING & TELLING SOME1 2 FEED ME, GETTING A PAPER TOWEL BIB, TILTING MY CHAIR 2 ASSIT SWALLOWING, ETC—ALL 4 A SMALL SQUARE OF CHOCOLATE OR SOMETHING.

LUCKILY, I RARELY FEEL HUNGER, SO THIS, AT TIMES, ISN'T AN ISSUE. IN FACT, IT DOESN'T EVEN PHASE ME 2 SKIP LUNCH, BEING THAT I CAN'T BURN CALORIES AS FAST, & GAIN WEIGHT INCREDIBALLY FAST, IF I EAT "LIKE NORMAL."

BUT 2DAY A MACHINE WAS SET UP THAT I CAN ACCESS, CRANK TREATS OUT INTO A BOWL, & FEED MYSELF! COURSE, I NEEDED 2 GET STRONG ENOUGH 2 CRANK IT, & LIFT MY ARM 2 MY MOUTH, ALL WHILE HOLDING FOOD, & PLACE THE FOOD IN MY MOUTH. BUT I CAN! HOW INGENIOUS & CREATIVE OF MK 2 FIND A THING LIKE THIS EXISTED & USE IT IN A WAY THAT IT IMPRROVES MY LIFE! (NOT 2 MENTION, THE GREAT THERAPY IT OFFERS!)

THE NEW TRICK, SINCE IT'S FILLED W/TREATS & POPCORN AT THE KIDS EYE LEVEL, IS 2 TEACH THEM 2 NOT TOUCH MY FOOD! (BTW, POPCORN 'S GREAT 4 A TIRED ARM,, SINCE I CAN STTICK OUT MY TONGUE 2 GRAB IT, & IT STICKS 2 MY TONGUE!)

SORRY I'VE BEEN "OUT OF COMMISSION" SO LONG—I'VE BEEN TERRIBLY SICK & UNABLE 2 TYPE, THEN AT FAMILY FUNCTIONS—THEN MY KIDS WENT 2 MY SISTER'S (A SHOUT OUT 2 THEM), & TIGER TERRIBLY MISSES THHEM PLAYING, & GIVING HIM ATTENTION (SO, IF I'M TYPING & HE WANTS ATTENTION, HE WALKS ON MY KEYBOARD, & I SPEND MORE TIME DELETING, THAN TYPING! HIS NEW FAV. THING IS SO CUTE: HE SITS ON MY LAP, W/HIS FRONT PAWS ON MY UN-MOVING LEFT ARM, & WATCHES ME USE THE COMP.!)

THE WILL

I’VE NOTICED A WAY TIGER, R CAT, & I ARE SOMEWHAT THE SAME:

TIGER'S ROOM & "KITTY TIME OUT" R IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM. TIGER CAN SOMETIMES LET HIMSELF OUT OF THE LAUNDRY ROOM–LIKE IF HE HEARS US & WANTS 2 GET OUT, SUPER BAD…IT MOTIVATES HIM, & SINCE HE WANTS OUT REALLY BAD, & NO1 LETS HIM OUT, HE HAS LEARNED 2 DO IT HIMSELF.

I CAN TOTALLY RELATE. SO MANY THINGS, I’VE LEARNED OUT OF NECESSITY, BECAUSE, LIKE TIGER, I CAN BE ALONE RIGHHT WHEN I NEED HELP, &, LIKE TIGER MAY “MEOW” AT THE DOOR, I’M NOT UNDERSTOOD, BY MY GRUNTS AS 2 WHAT I NEED!

A GREAT EXAMPLE: A WHILE BACK, I WAS TRYING 2 C SEVERAL PHOTO CDS THAT WERE SENT 2 ME. I WAITED SEVERAL DAYS 4 SOME1 2 HAVE A HUGE CHUNK OF TIME THAT WAS NEEDED 2 HELP ME. I FINALLY DECIDED 2 WAIT UNTIL THE DAY MY CAREGIVER, CARA, CAME. SHE PUT A CD IN, & LEFT 2 WORK ON LAUNDRY 4 MY KIDS—SHE HAD TONS OF LAUNDRY —SO MUCH, I FELT GUILTY RINGING MY BELL 2 GET HER ATTENTION. SO, I CHOSE 2 WAIT 4 HER. AFTER LIKE 20 MIN., I GOT TIRED OF WAITING. I COULD'VE RANG, BUT KNEW SHE WAS BUSY. IT WAS SUCH A SMALL TASK, I DECIDED 2 TRY IT MYSELF B4 I RANG. LIKE TIGER'S "MEOWS,"I'M SURE I GRUNTED AS I TRIED 2 FIND THE STRENGTH 2 LIFT MY ARM 2 CHANGE CDS (4 SOME REASON, NOISE/GRRUNTS MAKE ME STRONGER). I KNOW CARA HEARD & CAME. SHE OFFERED 2 DO IT, BUT LET ME DO IT WHEN I REFUSED. (I WAS SO CLOSE!) LIKE TIGER'S WILL 2 GET OUT OF A ROOM, I FOUND THE STRENGTH 2 LIFT MY ARM 2 CHANGE CDS!

ALSO LIKE TIGER, THERE R TIMES I CAN'T DO IT, & RESORT 2 JST SITTING BY SOMETHING, & BUILDINGGGUP THE STRENGTH 2 DO WHAT I NEED 2 DO. I ADMIT, MY STUBBORNNESS SHOWS: I KNOW I HAVE DONE IT ONCE, SO EVEN IF I'D APPRECIATE A BREAK & HAVE HELP, I REFUSE 2 ASK 4 HELP. BUT, LIKE TIGER, WHEN PUSH COMES 2 SHOVE, SOMETHING I COULDN'T DO A MINUTE AGO, SUDDENLY IS POSSIBLE, & LIKE TIGER, I OPEN A DOOR 2 FREEDOM.