HOPE YOUR 4TH WAS BETTER THAN OURS–(WE HAD A BURN BAN — HOW DO U CELEBRATE THE 4TH OF JULY W/NO FIREWORKS?!?) INSTEAD, WE SAW VIDEOS/DVDS OF FIREWORKS, & SINCE ZACH WOULD BE GONE BACKPACKING WITH THE SCOUTS ON HIS B-DAY, WE CELEBRATED ZACH’S WOULD4TH B-DAY EARLY, & I WISHED WE’D HAD SPARKLER’S 4 ZACH’S CAKE! LOL

THE 12TH WAS ZACH’S REAL 14TH B-DAY. IT WAS STRANGE WITH HIM GONE. I HAVE A COMPUTER PROGRAM WHERE I CAN CREATE CUSTOMIZED WORD LISTS, & RECORD PEOPLE “MODELING” THEM, SO I CAN PRACTICE MY SPEECH… WHILE ZACH WAS GONE, I PLAYED A LIST W/ZACH SAYING THE NAMES OF RESTURANTS ON MY SPEECH COMPUTER PROGRAM. JESS RAN TO MY CRAFT ROOM, CERTAIN HE WAS ON A WEBCAM OR SOMETHING…IMAGINE HER DISAPPOINTMENT 2 C ONLY WORDS.

MORE ABOUT SPEAKING: TUES., JULY 19TH, I WAS NEAR OUR DOOR & MK WAS FARTHER AWAY, IN OUR CLOSET, & SOPH (FIA) ASKED HER DAD A QUESTION THROUGH A CLOSED DOOR, BUT COULDN’T HEAR HIS ANSWER, SO I RELAYED IT. IT WAS JUST THE WORD, “YES,” BUT SHE HEARD ME & UNDERSTOOD! I HAVE BEEN FRUSTRATED WITH MY SPEAKING ABILITIES (1 DAY/MOMENT MY VOICE IS THERE, & THE NEXT IT HAS DISAPPEARED!), SO IT WAS A BOOST I GREATLY NEEDED!

IN THE HOSPITAL, I HAD A TRACHE. WE WANTED IT OUT SO MY DOCTOR ASKED ANOTHER DOCTOR/A SPECIALIST TO REPLACE MY TRACHE WITH A SMALLER TRACHE TO SEE IF I COULD HANDLE IT. THE SMALLER TRACHE WOULD ENABLE AIR TO PASS OVER THE VOCAL CHORDS SO I COULD RELEARN SPEECH. WHEN THE SPECIALIST FOUND OUT THAT I WAS NOT ALREADY CAPABLE OF SPEECH, HE WENT ON A TIRADE OF HOW HE WAS WASTING HIS TIME WITH A PERSON WHO WOULD NEVER SPEAK OR BE WITHOUT A TRACHE AND SO ON.

EVERYTHING I HEARD ABOUT MY TRACHE WAS NEGATIVE, BUT MY SISTER & MK SHOWED UNFAILING FAITH IN ME, & FOUGHT 4 ME. I THINK IT ONLY BUILT MY STRENGTH UP 2 FIGHT & PROVE THE DOCTORS’ WRONG. I ALSO HAD MUCH POSITIVE INFLUENCES FROM FAM. MEMBERS, & ANY PRAYERS IN MY BEHALF (WHICH, I DON’T DOUBT THEIR MIRACULOUS HELP, AS I SHOULD BE DEAD OR “JUST BLINKING”.

LATELY, I HAVE BEEN SPENDING LESS TIME AT THE COMPUTER, & DOING MORE WITH MY FAMILY, IN ORDER 2 GET MORE “TALKING TIME” (SO WHEN I GET TO MY COMP., I’M 2 BUSY OR 2 FRUSTRATED 2 TYPE A POST!) I ALSO AVOID WRITING DURING ANY DAY THAT THERE IS A FRUSTRATION, OR SOMETHING, SO I DON’T “CEMENT” ANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS…BUT THOSE DAYS EXIST JUST AS MUCH, AS I STRUGGLE W/A DRAMATIC LIFE CHANGE, & RE-LEARN THINGS. I HAVE A WHOLE NEW RESPECT 4 TODDLERS!

SPEAKING OF TODDLERS, MAYBE I’VE SHARED THIS STORY B4, BECUZ I’VE SAID B4 THAT I FEEL LIKE A TODDLER, WHO ONLY THE FAMILY UNDERSTANDS. SOMETIMES TODDLER’S GET ME, & I GET THE TODDLER:

THERE WAS 1 TIME A MOM DIDN’T UNDERSTAND HER TODDLER, & EVEN THOUGH I UNDERSTOOD THE TODDLER, I DOUBTED MYSELF BEING RIGHT, UNTIL THE TODDLER’S MOM SAID,”OH! U SAID…” & THE TODDLER’S MOM SAID WHAT I THOUGHT THE TODDLER HAD SAID.

BUT WHILE I WAITED 4 THE MOMENT OF ENLIGHTMENT FROM THE MOM (ABOUT WHAT WAS SAID BY THE TODDLER), & SAW THE TODDLER & HER MOM’S FRUSTRATION TURN 2 JOY AT THE TODDLER FINALLY FEELING UNDERSTOOD, HOW I COULD RELATE!

IN THE BEGINNING, I RECALL THE STRUGGLE 2 HOLD UP MY HEAD, & UNDERSTANDING A NEWBORN BABY’S STRUGGLE. THEN I COULD GRADUALLY RELATE 2 OLDER BABIE I’VE MISSED A FEW DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES (LIKE ROLLING OVER) BUT AT LEAST I’M STILL PROGRESSING, AFTER 7+ YEARS!

AROUND THE FOURTH, SOPH MENTIONED HOW COOL IT IS THAT HER MOM NOW TALKS MORE THAN SIGNS (SOME DAYS, THAT’S TRUE, ESPECIALLY SINCE MY DAUGHTER, SOPH, HAS A KNACK 4 UNDERSTANDING ME, EVEN WHEN I, MYSELF, THINK THAT THERE’S NO WAY I WAS JUST UNDERSTOOD!).

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION OF THE HOSPITAL INCIDENT EXCEPT THE FIRE IT STIRRED TO SPEAK AGAIN AND WHAT I WAS TOLD (THAT I WAS “A WASTE OF HIS TIME”).

BUT NOW, EVEN ON A BAD DAY, I WISH THAT DOCTOR COULD C ME NOW! I’VE STILL GOT PLENTY WRONG, BUT AM VOCALIZING, & SAYING THINGS! MOST LIKELY IT WAS INITIALLY A DEFENSE MECHANISM TO BLOCK HIM OUT, BUT MARK ALSO GAVE ME A PRIESTHOOD BLESSING THAT DAY TO HELP CALM ME DOWN. DURING THAT BLESSING, I WAS TOLD TO FORGIVE AND REMINDED OF CHRIST’S EXAMPLE: “FATHER, FORGIVE THEM; FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.”

I AM NO EXPERT AT FORGIVENESS, BUT THERE HAS BEEN A FORGIVENESS THAT ASSISTED ME IN FORGETTING WHAT HURT ME SO GREATLY. WHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF DAY THAT SPECIALIST WAS HAVING OR WHAT KNOWLEDGE HE HAD?

I LOVE TALKING! I’M NOT GREAT AT IT, BUT GET BY AT HOME A LOT (STRANGELY, I CAN SAY MORE, & BE LOUDER IN MY HOME).

LAST WEEK ON THURSDAY NIGHT, ALL THE KIDS WERE IN THEIR ROOMS, & WHILE THEY ALL ANSWER 2 MY BELL (HOPEFULLY–I HAVE A DOORBELL VELCROED 2 MY CHAIR, & THE # OF RINGS CALLS OUT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE), BUT I WANTED 2 USE MY WORDS. THE 1 THAT’S THE MOST EASILY UNDERSTOOD IS “SOPHIA,” SO I CALLED 4 “OPHIA,” & SHE NOTED HOW THAT’S THE 1 BAD THING THAT I CAN SAY HER NAME! LOL

THEN, THERE WAS A FEW DAYS THIS WEEK WHERE I WAS SO TIRED & SICK, THAT I COULDN’T TALK AGAIN (TALKING IS HARD WORK!) IT ACTUALLY SORTA DWINLED, UNTIL I COULDN’T TALK— BUMMER WAS, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS SICK, UNTIL I GOT SUPER SICK! INSTEAD, I WAS BEYOND FRUSTRATED, BECUZ I HAD NO IDEA WHERE OR WHY MY VOICE WAS GONE, WHAT I’D DONE WRONG, OR HOW TO GET IT BACK (PRACTICE WASN’T HELPING ME)!

BUT LIKE MAGIC, ONCE THE ANTIBIOTICS WERE IN ME 30 HOURS, I WAS TALKING LIKE B4!

THURSDAY NIGHT, SOPH TOLD ME HER LAUNDRY WAS DONE WASHING & JUST NEEDED 2 BE FOLDED . I TOLD HER, WITH MY WORDS, SOMETHING LIKE “GO FOLD IT NOW!” SHE LOOKED AT ME WITH A “DANG IT!” EXPRESSION, & SAID, “MY MOM CAN TALK (DANG IT).” LOL NOT LIKE I WOULDN’T NORMALLY SIGN IT!

FRIDAY, I NEEDED SOME MEDICINE, & ASKED ZACH 2 GET IT. HE SAID, “IN 5 MINUTES.” SO AFTER 5 MINUTES HAD PASSED, I TOLD ZACH WITH MY WORDS, “IT’S BEEN 5 MINUTES! GO GET IT!”

EARLIER FRIDAY, I ALSO TOLD SOPH 2 “GO GET IT” WITH MY WORDS, WHEN SHE WAS TRYING 2 NOT GO GET SOMETHING, & SHE RESPONDED 2 CARA (MY CAREGIVER/ASSIssTANT) W/THE FUNNIEST RESPONSE: “SOMETIMES I LOVE THAT MOM CAN TALK, BUT SOMETIMES I HATE THAT MOM CAN TALK, & THAT I UNDERSTAND HER!” LOL

BUT WAIT! IT GETS BETTER! SATURDAY MORNING SHE AS KEDM WHY CAN U TALK?!?” I CAN ONLY THANK HER & OTHERS 4 KEEPING ME IN THEIR PRAYERS! SOMETIMES IT TAKES AWHILE, BUT THOSE PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED…BET MY KIDS WILL NOW BE MORE CAREFUL OR SPECIFIC WHAT THEY PRAY FOR! LOL

FRIDAY OUR CLEANERS WERE HERE, & THEY ALWAYS ASK HOW I AM IN SPANISH,. USUALLY, I NOD (SOMETIMES I SAY HI, AS I NOD), SMILE, & THINK “BIEN” (GOOD/FINE).

BUT THIS TIME I NOT ONLY SAID “BIEN,” BUT SHE ALSO UNDERSTOOD ME, SMILED & WAS SURPRISED TOO, & RESPONDED W/A FEW MORE SPANISH SENTENCES I UNDERSTOOD! NOT ONLY DID I SPEAK,, BUT I SPOKE SPANISH!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT CAME FROM—I HAVE HAD A HARD TIME BEING UNDERSTOOD THE REST OF FRIDAY!

SOMETIMES WHEN I’M ASKED A QUESTION, I JUST BLURT OUT A CLEAR ANSWER (WHATEVER I’M THINKING), & IF I’M ASKED 2 REPEAT WHAT I SAID, I CAN’T DO IT AGAIN, OR IT COMES OUT LESS CLEAR! CRAZY!

I’VE GOTTEN 2 THE POINT WHERE IF I WAS TALKING WELL THE PREVIOUS DAY, I WAKE UP WONDERING IF I STILL HAVE MY VOICE! LOL FOR EXAMPLE, I WAS VERY VOCAL TUES. NIGHT, & WOKE WED. MORNING , WONDERING IF I STILL “HAD IT!”

BUT THE LONGER I AM QUIET, THE HARDER IT IS 2 “START UP” AGAIN (IN ADDITION 2 BEDTIME, CHURCH IS 3 HOURS LONG, SO IT KILLS ME—IT IS 1 HOUR FOR 3 DIFFERENT MEETINGS). & I AM STILL QUIETER WHEN I’M AWAY FROM HOME…ACTUALLY, SOMETIMES I THINK I’M JUST AS LOUD, BUT WHERE I AM IS SO LOUD, IT MAKES ME SEEM QUIET (JUST LIKE HOW IN THE QUIET OF THE NIGHT, A TINY NOISE SOUNDS VERY LOUD). & IF I GET UPSET, SOMETIMES IT’S REAL HARD 2 VOCALIZE. HOWEVER, THE COOL THING IS THAT EVEN IF IT’S “GONE,” IT COMES & GOES: SEEING MY KIDS, ESP. SOPH (FIA), DRAWS IT OUT OF ME.

COOL STUFF:

MON. NIGHT, MY NEPHEW CRIED FROM HIS BABY CARRIER ON THE FLOOR…I WAS ABLE 2 POSITION MYSELF SO I COULD LEAN WAY OVER, GRAB HIS PACIFIER, & PUT HIS PACIFIER IN HIS MOUTH, ALLOWING ME 2 SOOTHE A CRYING BABY (I COULD ALSO ROCK THE BABY CARRIER WITH THE HANDLE). IT WAS A SMALL CONTRIBUTION IN MY ENORMOUS FAMILY, THAT MEANT THE WORLD 2 ME!

TUES. NIGHT I SAW A FRIEND AT CHURCH, & AS I THOUGHT IT, & WITHOUT HESITATION , THE PHRASE “HOW ARE U?” JUST “POPPED” OUT, SO CLEARLY–IT JUST SEEMED PERFECTLY NATURAL COMING OUT. THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHO HAS HEARD ME THAT WAY, IS SOPH, WHEN I MENTIONED SINGING THE “ANNIE” SONG! & JUST LIKE THAT, I THINK IT SHOCKED HER & ME! &, I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN CONSCIOUSLY DO IT AGAIN, BUT IT MUST BE THERE, IF I DID IT ONCE!

SAT., I HAD A TERRIBLE SPEAKING DAY, BUT I WAS STILL ABLE 2 STOP THE KIDS AT OUR TABLE BY SAYING, “THAT’S ENOUGH!” & BY POINTING AT LEFTOVER PIZZA, ZACH FIGURED OUT THAT I WAS MUMBLING, “PUT THE PIZZA AWAY!” (CONTEXT CLUES, NON-VERBAL ACTIONS, & STARTING 2 SIGN THE WORD HELPS OTHERS UNDERSTAND ME!)

SUN. MORN., WHEN I WENT 2 WAKE UP THE GIRLS, AFTER SAYING “GOOD MORNING,” I TRIED SAYING, I NEED HELP.” I USUALLY WAKE THE KIDS SUN. MORN., & THIS WAS NOT A GOOD “TALKING MORNING,” SO I WASN’T SURE HOW THIS’D TURN OUT…THE GIRLS KEPT ACKNOWLEDGING ME, BUT BY THE 3RD TRY, JESS GOT WHAT I WAS SAYING, & CAME 2 HELP ME! EXCITING, SINCE I WASN’T TALKING WELL, & SHE COULDN’T SEE ME!

LATELY, IF I TRY 2 SPEAK, IT COMES & GOES. SOMETIMES IT’S EASY, & SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I’M HITTING A BRICK WALL, & I CAN’T COORDINATE MY BREATH & VOCAL CHORDS.

THE SINGING THING–I WASN’T EVEN TRYING. I WAS TYPING AN EMAIL, NOT THINKING, & JUST SINGING ALONG. I SWEAR MY MUSIC THERAPIST STRETCHED MY VOCAL CHORDS EARLIER THAT DAY! I KEEP TRYING 2 DUPLICATE IT, BUT I SOUND AWFUL, & CAN’T EVEN HIT THE NOTE AGAIN! IF I HADN’T WRITTEN IT DOWN, I’D THINK THAT I WAS IMAGINING IT! LOL I GUESS THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THIS SHOWS ME THAT IT IS ALL THERE, I JUST HAVE TO FIND IT.

LAST FRI. NIGHT, THE BOYS WERE CAMPING AT THE WARD (OUR CHURCH’S CONGREGATION) 4 THE FATHER/SON CAMPOUT, & I TRADITIONALLY HAVE A GIRLS’ NIGHT, & THE GIRLS CAN CHOOSE 2 SLEEP W/ME. JESS HAD A BIG DAY, & HAD CRASHED, SO SOPH SLEPT W/ME…SHE WOKE 2 ME PRACTICING SAYING LETTER “S,” & I SAID “SOPHIA”–NOT THE USUAL “OPHIA SHE WAS THRILLED & FLATTERED THAT MY 1ST “REAL”” WORD WAS HER NAME (I DON’T KNOW IF IT IS, BUT I FIGURE IT’S ONLY FAIR, SINCE SHE’S MY HONORARY SPEECH THERAPIST!)

SHE THEN GAVE ME A BUNCH OF “S” WORDS 2 SAY, LIKE SEE, SUE, SING…WE ENDED W/A SENTENCE: “SOPHIA, SAY SALT.” I CAN’T SAY ANY OF THESE WORDS WHEN I SIT, BUT IF I COULD JUST LEARN HOW…

I HAD TROUBLE TALKING MOST OF THE REST OFF THAT DAY, W/1 EXCEPTION: I WAS BUCKLED IN MY VAN, W/MY BACK 2 THE KIDS, WAITING 4 MK, & THE KIDS STARTED FIGHTING. USUALLY IF THIS HAPPENS, I EITHER SAY UNINTELLIGABLE NOISES, UNTIL A KID ALLOWS ME 2 TALK, OR I JUST SIT THERE. THIS TIME I SAID, “BE NICE!”, WHICH SOPHIA UNDERSTOOD, & L8R I SAID, “NO MORE TALKING!”, WHICH JESS UNDERSTOOD, & I ACTUALLY ENDED A FIGHT! IT FELT SO GOOD!

YESTERDAY, I LEARNED HOW 2 USE 1 OF MY SPEECH PROGRAMS 2 RECORD ME SAYING EACH WORD ALONE & MAKE A SENTENCE (OR I COULD DO PHRASES 2 MAKE A PHARAGRAPH, BUT FOR SOME REASON, SINGLE WORDS ARE CLEARER). I WAS NEVER SUPPOSED 2 TALK AGAIN, SO I HAD FUN FREAKING OUT SOME FAMILY, E-MAILING AUDIO MESSAGES! (TOO BAD I CAN’T LAY DOWN AT MY COMPUTER, & SAY “SOPHIA, SAY SALT!”, & FIGURE OUT HOW 2 POST IT ON HERE! LOL)