IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I’VE WRITTEN, BUT I’VE BEEN BUSY TRAVELLING, & I COMPILED & ORGANIZED A LESSON TO TEACH AT CHURCH, & I GOT A NEW COMPUTER, & I’VE TRIED 2 SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY. I HAVE BEEN KEEPING NOTES, HOWEVER, THEY ARE VERY RANDOM…

–ON OCT. 17, RIGHT B4 WE LEFT ON OUR 2ND TRIP, I HAD MY 1ST VISIT ALONE IN ALMOST 10 YEARS (SINCE MY STROKE) W/SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T SPEAK ASL! I’M ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT BEING ALONE, BUT I WAS WILLING 2 TRY W/THIS FRIEND, CUZ SHE HAS ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD ME WELL! & SHE WAS OVER FOR LIKE 30 MINUTES! I HAVE ANOTHER FRIEND I’VEMOSTLY TALKED TO, BUT SHE KNOWS MY ASL, SO IT’S DIFFERENT!
HOWEVER, TYPING THINGS OUT OFTEN HELPS ME, FOR SOME REASON. I CAN START TYPING, REALIZE I’M MISSING WORDS & “FILL IN” OR NOTICE THAT THINGS WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE IF I RE-ARRANGE SENTENCES, ETC. SO, SOMETIMES I AM THANKFUL FOR GOD BEING MERCIFUL TAKING AWAY MY VOICE! LOL. AS I GET BETTER AT SPEAKING, I AM REMINDED OF SOME OF THOSE “BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE!” (I.E I’M TERRIBLE AT PRONOUNCING WORDS, BUT WHO CARES NOW?).

–WHEN WE FLEW, I WAS IN MY TRAVEL POWER W/C (WHICH IS LIGHTER & COLLAPSES). IN MY TRAVEL W/C, IF I SNEEZED, THERE WAS NO VELCRO AROUND MY LEFT WRIST TO HOLD ME BACK, SO I FLUNG 4WARD, DOUBLING IN ½, W/MY LEFT ARM JUST DRAPPED IN FRONT, & I HAD 2 SIT MYSELF UP, & PUT MY LEFT ARM BACK UP ON MY ARMREST.
AFTER DOING THIS FOR ABOUT 4 DAYS, I WAS SO SICK OF IT! A FEW TIMES I HAD NO MORE AB STRENGTH TO PUSH MYSELF TO SIT BACK UP, BUT NO1 WAS THERE. BUT I HAD NO BELL, LIKE I DO AT HOME, & WHILE THE CHAIR HAS A HORN ON IT, I COULDN’T TURN ON MY CHAIR 2 SOUND THE HORN. & I COULDN’T YELL. SO I PRAYED. I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN PRAYER WORKS. I CAN SHARE SO MANY WAYS TTHAT MY OWN & OTHER PEOPLE’S PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED. BUT THIS TIME, I WANT TO SHARE THIS 1: LUCKILY GOD WOULD HEAR ME & ANSWERED QUICKLY–I WOULD GET JUST ENOUGH STRENGTH 2 CLUMSILY SIT UP, OR I’D GET AN IDEA 2 HELP ME SIT UP ALONE.

–IN OCTOBER, I WAS CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT GOD SEES WHERE WE ARE WEAK, & PLACES PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES THAT CAN STRENGTHEN & HELP US, & FOR ME, ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE HAPPENS TO BE MY HUSBAND! HIS PRESENCE IS A DAILY REMINDER FOR ME OF JUST HOW MUCH GOD LOVES ME!

I WAS TOLD I’D NEVER SPEAK AGAIN, W/O THE AID OF A MACHINE, & I REMEMBER THINKING, “YEAH, RIGHT!”

“Everything is possible. The impossible just takes longer. ”
Dan Brown

MY HUSBAND’S, MARK’S, DAD VISITED FOR 2 DAYS LAST WEEK (TUESDAY NIGHT & WEDNESDAY), & WOULD JUST SIT & TALK TO ME—HE KNOWS HOW 2 READ MY ASL, BUT HE WILL NOT LET ME SIGN. WHEN I’D 1ST START TALKING 2 HIM, SOMETIMES IT WAS HARD IN THE BEGINNING 2 SPEAK, BUT ONCE I’D “WARMED UP” & RELAXED, I WOULD TALK VERY CLEAR & WELL!

WHEN I WOKE ON WEDNESDAY, I KNEW HE’D WANT ME 2 TALK, BUT I COULDN’T SPEAK, FOR SOME REASON (USUALLY IF I WARM UP WELL THE PREVIOUS DAY—WHICH I DID—I TALK WELL), BUT I DIDN’T TALK WELL! IN FACT, WHEN I TRIED 2 WARM UP MY VOICE THAT MORNING, I COULDN’T DO MUCH! IT WAS VERY FRUSTRATING, & I WANTED TO GIVE UP…& I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE IF MARK’S DAD HADN’T BEEN THERE, BUT I KNEW I HAD TO SOMEHOW TALK, CUZ HIS DAD’S TOO STUBBORN TO GIVE IN TO A “BAD SPEAKING DAY!”

MY HELPER, ANGIE, BRINGS HER SON, & HE IS MUCH THE SAME WAY, ONLY HE’S NOT STUBBORN—HE JUST KNOWS I TALK, SO HE’LL ASK ME STUFF & JUST EXPECT MY ANSWER…4 EX., IF HIS MOM RAN UPSTAIRS, HE’LL FIND ME, LOOK UP AT ME, & ASK ME WHERE SHE IS. (SIDENOTE: HOW I HATED THE PAST WHEN KIDS WOULD ASK ME STUFF LIKE THAT, & ALL I COULD DO WAS STARE BACK!) I TELL HIM, “SHE UPSTAIRS. BE RIGHT BACK.” OFTEN I HAVE 2 KEEP REPEATING, “BE RIGHT BACK,” BUT JUST HEARING ME TALK, EVEN IF HE CAN’T UNDERSTAND ME, USUALLY HELPS HIM, SOMEHOW!

IN THE APPROACHING SEASON OF GRATITUDE, I WANT 2 EXPRESS MY THANKS 4 A FEW THINGS:
1. THERE IS NOTHING SO THRILLING AS BEING ASKED IF I HAVE EATEN, & BE ABLE 2 RESPOND, “YES, I FED MYSELF!” BESIDES THE FACT THAT I VOCALIZE MY RESPONSE, IT IS GLORIOUS 2 BE ABLE 2 PICK & FEED MYSELF! OF COURSE, MY CHOICES OF WHAT I FIX MYSELF ARE LIMITED, SO I USUALLY HAVE OTHERS GET THE FOOD FOR ME. BUT I USUALLY ONLY EAT ½ OF MY FOOD, & I LOVE BEING ABLE TO PICK WHAT PARTS I’LL EAT (I KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES I WAS FULL, BUT KEPT EATINGUNTIL I WAS FED THE PIECE I WANTED! BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IT CAN BE “DANGEROUS” THAT I CAN FEED MYSELF!)
2. THERE ALSO IS NOTHING SO THRILLING AS:2 BE ASKED A QUESTION FROM ANOTHER ROOM, BE UNDERSTOOD, & RECEIVE A RESPONSE!
3. BUT IT’S JUST AS THRILLING 2 NEED A GLASS OF WATER & GET IT MYSELF?(MIND U, IT’S STILL TONS FASTER IF SOME1 ELSE DOES IT, SO I USUALLY HAVE HELP STILL, BUT THE ANXIETY FROM THE DEPENDENCE IS GONE!)
4. TALKING TO SOMEONE WHILE EATING, & NOT NEEDING 2 CLEAN MY HAND OFF 1ST.
5. HOLDING A SPEAKING CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE.
6. BEING UNDERSTOOD THROUGH THE PHONE.

WHEN I BEGAN MUSIC THERAPY, AT 1ST, MK WAS THERE W/ME 2 INTERPRET MY ASL. WHEN HE STOPPED COMING, I WOULD EMAIL ALL MY THOUGHTS AFTER A SESSION. IT WAS AWESOME WHEN I STARTED WRITING & COULD IMMEDIATELY RESPOND, CUZ MY THERAPIST COULD HELP ME BETTER, SO I SAW MYSELF PROGRESS FASTER, & SOON AFTER, I STARTED TALKING MORE–BUT I STUCK TO THINGS THAT HAD CONTEXT CLUES. NOW I CAN SPEAK ABOUT MORE RANDOM STUFF, LIKE THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD, & IT IS BECOMING COMMON FOR ME TO ONLY SPEAK DURING MUSIC THERAPY!

RECENTLY MY SISTER CAME BY AFTER THERAPY (SO I WAS “PRIMED” 4 TALKING) TO EAT LUNCH WITH ME. I SWEAR MOMS WITH TODDLERS CAN EASILY UNDERSTAND ME, SO I WAS ABLE TO ACTUALLY HOLD A CHOPPY CONVERSATION WITH HER AS I ATE. TOO COOL!

THURSDAY, SEPT. 12, I DID A LOT OF GOOD TALKING: 4 SOME REASON, I SOMETIMES CAN SPEAK SOOO WELL AT HOME. ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST SEEMS TO MAKE ME TALK WHEREVER SHE SEES ME (I’M NOT SURE WHY I RESPOND SO WELL TO HER, CUZ SHE CAN SIGN, & WILL LET ME SIGN, BUT SHE REALLY ENJOYS TELLING PEOPE 2 NOT BE FOOLED BECUZ I CAN TALK!) WHEN SHE VISITED LAST WEEK, SHE WATCHED MY MOUTH MORE THAN MY HAND! SOOO COOL!

LATER THAT SAME DAY, ANOTHER FRIEND CAME BY TO VISIT. SHE DOESN’T KNOW MY ASL, BUT WE HAVE WORKED TOGETHER, & SHE HAS HEARD ME READ SCRIPTURES, PRAY, & SHARE IDEAS WEEKLY AT A MEETING IN MY HOME, WHERE I SPEAK BEST. SHE WAS ABLE TO UNDERSTAND ME TOO!

ALSO THAT SAME DAY, MY DAUGHTER, JESSICA, 4GOT HER PHONE, SO SHE CALLED ME THAT NIGHT WHEN SHE RAN AN ERRAND 4 ME, & WAS TRYING TO STAY THERE LONGER…WE HAVE A SYSTEM SO I CAN BEEP YES/NO INSTEAD OF TALK ON THE PHONE, BUT I HAD 2 SAY A FEW THINGS, SINCE THEY WEREN?T YES/NO (LIKE THE TIME SHE WAS EXPECTED HOME). SHE KEPT TRYING OUT DIFFERENT SCENARIOS TO GET ME TO SAY YES TO STAYING, BUT WHEN THE “WHAT IF IT RAINS” SCENARIO CAME UP, W/O THINKING (WHICH IS ALWAYS WHEN I’M THE CLEAREST 4 SOME REASON), I SAID LOUDLY, “THEN COME HOME NOW!” SHE LAUGHED, & I WAS SO HAPPY I WAS UNDERSTOOD ON THE PHONE!

& ON FRIDAY, SEPT. 13, I JOKINGLY TOLD MY THERAPIST THAT I THINK MY THERAPY SHOULD JUST BE SITTING & TALKING W/FRIENDS, BUT SHE AGREED THAT IT’S GREAT THERAPY! MARK ITTLEMAN, A WELL KNOWN SPEECH THERAPIST, SAID “RECENT RESEARCH … STATES THAT LANGUAGE IMPROVES IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO FREQUENCY OF STIMULATION, INTENSITY OF REPETITION, AND WHETHER THE LANGUAGE STIMULATED MAKES SENSE AND IS IMMEDIATELY USABLE TO THE PERSON WHO HAS DIFFICULTY SPEAKING. THAT IS WHY THE HOME IS SUCH A PERFECT PLACE FOR LANGUAGE STIMULATION AND WHY CAREGIVERS CAN REALLY HELP MAKE THE DIFFERENCE WITH HOME PRACTICE.”

HOWEVER, BESIDES THE FACT THAT I TALK 2 QUIET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE , I FACE A SPEAKING DILEMNA NOW: SOMETIMES I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING! IT’S WONDERFUL IN MANY WAYS, BUT EXHAUSTING TOO, SO SOMETIMES IT’S JUST EASIER 2 SIGN, & BE DONE WITH IT IN SOME WAYS. BUT I’VE ALSO FOUND THAT SPEAKING NOT ONLY INCLUDES HARD WORK, & FAITH IN MYSELF, BUT ALSO FAITH IN OTHERS!

ALSO, THERE’S A BUMP IN THE ROAD: AFTER I EAT, OR WHEN I SIT & DON’T TALK 4 AWHILE, I MAY NEED 2 CLEAR MY THROAT IN ORDER 2 SPEAK. BUT I AM UNABLE 2 CLEAR MY THROAT! SINCE IT REQUIRES SEVERAL SPEAKING ATTEMPTS 2 SPEAK, IF I JUST NEED TO SAY YES/NO, I NOD…IT ISN’T WORTH THE FIGHT, IF I’LL JUST BE SITTING ALONE QUIETLY, & NEED 2 CLEAR MY THROAT AGAIN! LOL BUT WHO EVER HEARD OF A PERFECT ROAD ANYWAY?!?