I LEARNED SOME VERY VALUABLE LESSONS THE LAST FEW DAYS, & SINCE I PROCESS BEST BY TYPING, I AM JUST GOING 2 DOUBLE THIS & MAKE IT A POST, SO U CAN LEARN RIGHT ALONG WITH ME!

I JUST RETURNED FROM ANOTHER DISNEY CRUISE. THE CRUISE WAS GREAT! HOWEVER, WHEN I LEFT, I HAD THESE CANKER SORES THAT JUST GOT WORSE WITH TIME & MULTIPLIED (BY DAY 2, I HAD AT LEAST 4 CANKERS IN THE SAME GENERAL AREA: IN BETWEEN & AROUND MY TEETH ON THE SAME SIDE OF MY MOUTH, & 1 MORE CANKER ON THE SAME SIDE, ON MY TONGUE.) EVEN THOUGH I HAD CANKER SORE MEDS, IT HURT 2 SUCK, 2 CHEW, & EVEN 2 SWALLOW MY OWN SPIT! IT FINALLY HAD ME IN SUCH PAIN THAT I WAS TAKING TYLENOL! ALL I WANTED WAS 4 THE PAIN 2 GO AWAY! AS I PRAYED 4 THE LORD 2 HEAL ME, MY THOUGHTS WERE TURNED TO LUKE 22: 42 , WHEN CHRIST WAS IN THE GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE “SAYING, FATHER, IF THOU BE WILLING, REMOVE THIS CUP FROM ME: NEVERTHELESS NOT MY WILL, BUT THINE, BE DONE.”

I KNEW THE PAIN I FELT WAS MINISCULE COMPARED 2 WHAT CHRIST FELT, & I ADMIRED HOW CHRIST WAS ABLE 2 ADD THAT LAST PART: “NOT MY WILL, BUT THINE, BE DONE.” AT 1ST, I HAD THIS OVERWHELMING FEELING OF GRATITUDE, CUZ I AM ONLY 1 PERSON & I HAVE EXPERIENCED PAIN IN SO MANY WAYS! & IF U MULTIPLY HOW EVERY1 ELSE HAS HURT PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY…I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY CHRIST SUGGESTED 2 “REMOVE THIS CUP FROM ME”, IF JUST LITTLE CANKER SORES WERE MAKING ME SAY IT! BUT THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD ADD THAT LAST PART: “NOT MY WILL, BUT THINE, BE DONE,” CUZ THE PAIN JUST HAD 2 GO AWAY! STAYING WAS NOT AN OPTION, NO MATTER WHAT!

THAT NIGHT I TOOK ADVIL PM (CUZ THE 1ST TWO NIGHTS I WOKE IN SUCH PAIN, I COULDN’T GO BACK 2 SLEEP, SO I WAS SOOO EXHAUSTED BY THE 3RD NIGHT, THAT I WAS OVERJOYED 2 DISCOVER THAT MK HAD MEDS 2 HELP ME SLEEP!) I FULLY EXPECTED 2 WAKE & BE HEALED, SO I COULD ENJOY MY CRUISE…BUT I DIDN’T WAKE HEALED. HOWEVER, I KNEW I WASN’T LACKING THE FAITH 2 BE HEALED, CUZ I BELIEVED THAT IF GOD COULD HEAL MY FACE IN 1 WEEK FROM A BAD FALL, OR MOVE MOUNTAINS, THEN THIS WAS EASY!

B4 I COULD WONDER WHY MY PRAYERS WEREN’T ANSWERED, MY THOUGHTS AGAIN TURNED 2 CHRIST, RECALLING HOW HE ADDED, “…NEVERTHELESS NOT MY WILL, BUT THINE, BE DONE.” I REALIZED THEY WERE ANSWERED, JUST THE ANSWER WAS A “NO.” I FELT AN IMENSE LOVE 4 CHRIST—HOW MUCH COURAGE & FAITH HE HAD 2 SAY THAT! (“NOT MY WILL, BUT THINE, BE DONE.”) I DIDN’T REALIZE THEN WHAT I WAS SAYING WHEN I PRAYED: THAT I KNEW BETTER THAN GOD. I WAS LACKING IN THE FAITH THAT GOD SEES THE WHOLE PICTURE, & KNEW THAT I’D MISS A VALUABLE LESSON, IF HE DID WHAT I WANTED.

THAT MORNING, I FELT LIKE I SHOULD’VE OPENED MY SCRIPTURES, & READ THE NEXT VERSE SO I COULD LET GOD SPEAK 2 ME…BUT I AM ASHAMED AT WHAT I DID NEXT: I LET THE CANKER SORES & LACK OF SLEEP MAKE ME GRUMPY & MISERABLE, SO I WASN’T REALLY THINKING CLEARLY UNTIL SATURDAY (THE DAY THE CRUISE ENDED), WHEN THE CANKER SORES BECAME MORE MANAGEABLE. SADLY, I FELT READY 2 START ENJOYING THE CRUISE, ONCE IT ENDED! 😦 I HAVE A FEELING THAT IF I’D READ LUKE 22: 43, THINGS ON THE CRUISE WOULD’VE BEEN MUCH DIFFERENT.

I HAVE NEVER REALLY CONSIDERED LUKE 22: 43 BEFORE, BUT THE NEXT VERSE IN LUKE HAS THE ANSWER OF WHAT 2 DO WHEN GOD TELLS U “NO” IN ANSWER TO A PRAYER: “AND THERE APPEARED AN ANGEL UNTO HIM FROM HEAVEN, STRENGTHENING HIM.” I SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR STRENGTH TO ENDURE THE TRIAL I’D BEEN GIVEN! I KNOW THIS! I HAVE WITNESSED THIS, & PRAY 4 STRENGTH 2 OVERCOME MANY OTHER OBSTACLES I HAVE FACED, BUT THIS TIME I FAILED!

ON THE DRIVE HOME FROM THE CRUISE, WE FINISHED LISTENING 2 THE AUDIO BOOK “FALLING TO HEAVEN” (BY JAMES FERRELL). IN CHAPTER 23 HE SAID, “THE LORD DID NOT RUSH IN TO RESCUE THESE PEOPLE FROM THEIR STRUGGLES. HIS LOVE FOR THEM, AND FOR US, DICTATED THAT HE DIDN’T – AND DOESN’T. FAITH IS FORGED WHEN ONE’S BACK IS AGAINST THE WALL. WHEN WE FINALLY REALIZE THAT NO STRENGTH OF THIS WORLD- OUR OWN, MOST OF ALL – CAN RESCUE US FROM OUR FATE, THEN WE FEEL KEENLY BOTH OUR PREDICAMENT AND THE LORD’S REDEEMING GRACE…” SO, PART OF THE LORD’S LOVE IS NOT RESCUEING US, & I WANTED 2 BE RESCUED FROM MY CANKER SORES! THE SAME BOOK ALSO SAID, “HE [THE LORD] LOVES US SO MUCH THAT IF WE DON’T HEED THE WHISPERINGS, HE WILL FIND WAYS TO SHOUT TO US – SOME WAY TO REACH OUR HARDENED SOULS.” & HE DID. IT WAS GOD WHO PUT THE THOUGHT IN MY MIND 2 TAKE THE ADVIL PM, WHEN IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT I WASN’T GOING 2 READ THE SCRIPTURES HE PUT IN MY MIND. GOD HAD A REASON HE PUT THAT SCRIPTURE IN MY MIND, & I L8R FOUND OUT WHY…

NOW THE CANKERS ARE HEALING. I DON’T WANT THE INTENSE PAIN BACK, BUT I DON’T WANT IT COMPLETELY HEALED EITHER! WHAT AN ODD THING 2 SAY, HUH? BUT I KINDA WOULD LIKE THE CONSTANT REMINDER 2 ASK GOD 4 HELP, & 2 FOLLOW CHRIST’S EXAMPLE.

ON THE CRUISE, I WAS READING A BOOK CALLED “TAKE BRAVE STEPS FOR STROKE SURVIVORS.” (I HAVEN’T FINISHED IT YET, BUT SO FAR, I COMPLETELY AGREE W/HIM, AS HE SUGGESTS THINGS I DO, & I THINK HIS WORDS COULD BE APPLIED 2 ANY TRIAL.) ANYWAY, HE MENTIONS HOW IF HE COULD PRESS A BUTTON & ERASE HIS STROKE, HE WOULDN’T DO IT, CUZ HIS STROKE HAS TAUGHT HIM SO MUCH. I AGREE. & THAT’S WHY IT’S HARD 2 SEE THOSE CANKERS HEAL! LOL

I DID ENJOY THE CRUISE, THOUGH! (IT SAYS A LOT WHEN I CAN STILL SAY THAT I ENJOYED IT, & THAT NOT ONCE DID I MISS MY COMPUTER!) CRUISING IS ACTUALLY 1 OF THE FEW TIMES WHERE I TRULY LEAVE ALL MY STRESSES BEHIND, & RELAX!

I MENTIONED HOW THERE HAVE BEEN INVENTIONS MADE, THAT HELP MANY PEOPLE, BUT SOMEHOW IT SEEMS TWEAKED, OR HAS 1 FEATURE THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT SEEMS LIKE A FEATURE THAT IS NEEDED FOR EVERYONE, BUT IT HELPS ME TREMENDOUSLY! FOR INSTANCE, I HAVE AN APP CALLED “VAST SONGS” THAT MODELS HOW TO SING FAMILIAR SONGS (MY FAVORITE SONG TO SING W/IT IS “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”) CONSIDERING HOW WELL I SPEAK, & THAT IT’S DIFFICULT FOR ME 2 ACHIEVE DIFFERENT PITCHES, I ACTUALLY DO OK SINGING W/IT (I MADE SOME VIDEOS 4 MY THERAPIST, SO I HAVE SOME VIDEOS OF ME “SINGING” ON MY YOU TUBE CHANNEL…THOUGH I DON’T THINK IT’S PRETTY 2 HEAR—W/MY MUSICAL BACKGROUND, I’M PRETTY PICKY, I GUESS…BUT IT IS A SOUND ON PITCH, WHICH MAKES IT COOL!)

I’VE LEARNED IN MUSIC THERAPY HOW FAMILIAR SONGS SORT OF “DRAW OUT” YOUR VOICE (A “CLASSIC”SONG, LIKE “OLD MAC DONALD,” “TWINKLE TWINKLE,” “HAPPY BIRTHDAY,” & SEVERAL OTHER CHILDHOOD SONGS, OR CHRISTMAS SONGS). IN ADDITION, FOR ME, DISNEY SONGS, THE PRIMARY SONGS FROM CHURCH (I FIGURE BECUZ I SANG THEM AS A KID, & TAUGHT THEM RIGHT B4 MY STROKE, SO I KNOW THEM SUPER WELL!), SEVERAL MUSICALS (“THE SOUND OF MUSIC,” “ANNIE,” OR “MY FAIR LADY” ARE AS FAMILIAR 2 ME AS THE PRESCHOOL CLASSICS), & “THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER” (WHICH I SANG ALL THE TIME, CUZ IF I EVER JUST FELT LIKE SINGING, I SANG THAT!), ALSO HELP ME.

12/4, I ATTENDED A DOUBLE BIRTHDAY PARTY (SO THERE WAS A LARGE CROWD), AT A PLACE FILLED W/BOUNCE HOUSES (SO IT WAS LOUD). I HAD BEEN PRACTICING SINGING ALONG 2 “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” SO MUCH, THAT WHEN THEY SANG “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”, W/O EVEN THINKING, THE SONG “POPPED OUT,” & I JOINED IN—W/MY VOICE! & IT WAS SO LOUD, I NOTICED THAT I COULDN’T BE HEARD (& PART OF ME WAS SO EXCITED!), SO I DID MORE (THOUGH THEY SING TOO FAST 4 ME!)

EVER SINCE THEN, I TRY, BUT USUALLY NOTHING HAPPENS (SOMETIMES, I GET OUT A LINE IN A HYMN ATCHURCH, IF I KNOW THE HYMN REALLY WELL)! I SWEAR MY BRAIN GETS IN THE WAY–IF I THINK ABOUT IT (LIKE WHEN MK OR SOME1 TELLS ME 2 SING), I CAN’T DO IT! BUT IF I’M AT HOME, & THE MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND, I CAN SUDDENLY SING (ANGIE HEARS ME ALL THE TIME)! IT’S STRANGE, BUT WHEN I STARTED TALKING, IT WAS THIS WAY TOO, SO I HOPE THAT BY NEXT CHRISTMAS, I CAN SING ALONG 2 ALL THE FAMILIAR CHRISTMAS CAROLS!

WHEN I SING, MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT I CAN’T ALWAYS TAKE VOLUNTARY BREATHES, SO SOMETIMES THERE’S A LONG, AWKWARD PAUSE AS I WAIT TO TAKE A BREATH (LIKE THE DISABLED BOY W/ASTHMA ON THE TV SHOW “MALCOM IN THE MIDDLE”) SO I LOVE THAT I CAN NOW PLAY A SONG ON THE PIANO, & SING ALONG, SINCE THAT MEANS THAT I CAN MAKE THE PIANO PAUSE W/MY VOICE!

THEY JUST MADE “VAST APPS 2,” & AN UPGRADE FOR THE 1ST APP, & THEY ARE WORKING ON SOMETHING WITH CHRISTMAS CAROLS, SUPPOSEDLY. IRONICALLY, THE NEW APP HAS SEVERAL FEATURES THAT WILL ASSISST ME IN ACHIEVING THAT GOAL, 2 SING ALONG NEXT CHRISTMAS.

“VAST 2” ALSO HAS THE ALPHABET SONG IN A GOOD TEMPO, & PITCH 4 ME (WHICH IS SO IMPORTANT—I CAN’T SING IF IT’S TOO FAST, TOO HIGH, OR TOO LOW). I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING 4 THAT VERY SONG (THE ALPHABET SONG)—BUT IT IS ALWAYS TOO FAST OR TOO HIGH OR TOO LOW 4 ME!
YET ANOTHER WAY GOD HAS SEEMED 2 INSPIRE OTHERS 2 DEVELOP SOMETHING THAT CAN HELP ME & OTHERS 2 BECOME WHO WE SHOULD BE:

AS U KNOW, I TAKE MUSIC THERAPY…WHICH HAS BEEN A BIG PART OF MY RECOVERY! I AM NOT SUPPOSED 2 BE ABLE 2 SPEAK, BUT I CAN, & MY MANY YEARS OF VOICE LESSONS (10?) HAVE MADE A HUGE DIFFERENCE, SINCE IT TRAINED MY BREATHING, VOICE PLACEMENT, ETC. IT IS SAID THATT MUSICAL PEOPLE ARE “WIRED” A LITTLE DIFFERENT, SO MUSIC THERAPY SEEMS 2 AWAKEN PARTS OF MY BRAIN THAT SHOULDN’T WORK!

WHEN MY KIDS FACE ADVERSITY & THE CONSEQUENCES LIFE (INSTEAD OF PARENTS) BRING INTO OUR LIVES, MY HUSBAND LIKES TO SING A SONG ABOUT “LIFE LESSONS” TO OUR KIDS (HTTP://WWW.SELFGROWTH.COM/ARTICLES/DEFINITION_LIFE_LESSONS.HTML HAS A GREAT DEFINITION OF “LIFE LESSONS.”) HOWEVER, THE SONG DOESN’T REALLY EXIST, SO, HE REQUESTED THE KIDS WRITE THE SONG 4 HIM, 4 CHRISTMAS. (OUR FAMILY HAS A WONDERFUL TRADITION AT CHRISTMAS-TIME, WHERE WE MAKE EACH OTHER GIFTS.

MY YOUNGEST CHILD HAS ALWAYS ENJOYED WRITING LYRICS & COMPOSING SONGS, SO IT WAS ONLY NATURAL THAT SHE SHOULD JUMP AT THAT GIFT IDEA! THERE WAS A SLIGHT PROBLEM THOUGH—SHE DIDN’T HAVE THE MUSICAL BACKGROUND NEEDED 2 WRITE THE SONG DOWN, AND WITH MY LIMITATIONS, I WASN’T SURE IF I COULD HELP…IN THE PAST, MY VERY MUSICAL FAMILY HAS HELPED, BUT I WENT ON A SEARCH 4 A COMPUTER PROGRAM THAT WOULD LET ME HELP HER.

I FOUND THE MOST AMAZING PROGRAM: “SONGWORKS 3.” I AM SURE IT IS A WONDERFUL PROGRAM FOR MANY PEOPLE, BUT IT HAS SEVERAL FEATURES & I HAVE BEEN BLESSED W/TALENTS, THAT MAKE IT IDEAL 4 ME–INCLUDING THE THE WAY U CAN ENLARGE TEXT, & THE VARIETY OF WAYS U CAN ADD THE NOTES (SHE SANG THE SONG, THE COMPUTER GUESSED THE NOTES, & I MADE SURE THE NOTES WERE IN THE RIGHT PLACE—I HAVE BEEN BLESSED W/A MUSICAL EAR, & AM ABLE 2 RECALL MELODIES QUITE WELL, BUT IF I HAD TROUBLE, MY DAUGHTER COULD SING 2 MY I-PAD, & USING THE “PITCHBOT” APP, WE COULD FIND THE NOTE!).MY SON—WHO HAS ALSO BEEN BLESSED W/A MUSICAL EAR–ADDED A BASE LINE. I COULDN’T BELIEVE HOW THE LYRICS & MELODY SEEMED 2 FLOW FROM MY DAUGHTER, & HOW IT SEEMED 2ND NATURE FOR MY SON TO ADD THE ACCOMPANIMENT!

I HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED MYSELF AS A COMPOSER (I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE SINGER/PERFORMER!), BUT THIS SURE WAS FUN, AND I LOVED HAVING A WAY 2 AGAIN EXPRESS MYSELF MUSICALLY! & THE PROGRAM’S CUSTOMER SERVICE WAS AMAZING: AS WE WORKED ON IT, IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PROGRAM, I’D EMAIL MY QUESTION, & GOT A HELPFUL RESPONSE USUALLY WITHIN THE HOUR! (THAT’S A BIG DEAL 2 ME—WAITING THE USUAL 24 HRS. OR MORE, CAN SEEM LIKE FOREVER 2 SOME1 WHO’S OFTEN ON THEIR COMPUTER!)

I AM SO GRATEFUL 2 GOD 4 REMEMBERING MY NEEDS, AS HE INSPIRES OTHER PEOPLE 2 CREATE NEW THINGS!

SORRY—I HAVE BEEN TO BUSY TO WRITE! IN 1 OF MY LAST POSTS, I MENTIONED HOW I HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I TRULY HAVE—PAST & PRESENT. FAMILY, FRIENDS, DOCTORS, CAREGIVERS, TEACHERS, ETC. I WANT 2 SHARE ONE FOR NOW:

THE 1ST YEAR OF MY STROKE (WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL & 1ST BACK AT HOME), EVERY WEEK, I GOT A CARD FROM “NOVA.” NOVA HAD NEVER MET ME, BUT SHE KNEW MK. SHE SUFFERED A STROKE WHILE MK WAS SERVING A MISSION 4 OUR CHURCH, & MK HAD VISITED HER IN THE HOSPITAL. HER STROKE WAS NO WHERE AS SEVERE, BUT I WAS TOUCHED BY HER SIMPLE GESTURE…IT MEANT A LOT 2 HAVE ANOTHER STROKE SURVIVOR THINK OF ME, & MAKE SUCH AN EFFORT EVERY WEEK, WHEN SHE HADN’T EVEN MET ME!

AS I HAVE RE-LEARNED 2 WRITE, MY GRATITUDE HAS GROWN 4 HER. I CAN RELATE 2 THE EFFORT IN JUST WRITING “LOVE, NOVA,” & THOUGH SHE HAS SINCE PASSED AWAY, I WAS BLESSED 2 MEET HER IN DALLAS SEVERAL YEARS AGO, B4 SHE PASSED!

I KNOW HOW I WAS TOUCHED BY THAT, & I’M GRATEFUL THAT I NOW CAN SHARE THAT FEELING BY SIGNING MY NAME! SO WHEN I READ A POST (“THE CHRISTMAS GIFT, BY TARA” AT HTTP://WWW.MAKECHANGETODAY.BLOGSPOT.COM/ ), IT BROUGHT TEARS 2 MY EYES, BECUZ I COULD RELATE! SINCE I AM STILL FRIENDS W/SO MANY PEOPLE WHO KNEW ME WHEN I HAD MY STROKE, & HAVEN’T SEEN ME SINCE I MOVED. I THINK THEY’D LOVE 2 HEAR FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF SOME1 WHO HAS ONLY KNOWN ME POST-STROKE.

I HAVE ALSO SHARED B4 HOW GOD DIRECTED ME TOWARDS THE DOCTOR WHO GAVE ME THE PBA MEDS, & I HAVE HAD THAT TESTIMONY STRENGTHENED

4 A WHILE NOW, I’VE WONDERED IF MY BODY WAS “GETTING USED TO” MY PBA MEDS (NUEDEXTA), BECUZ IT DIDN’T SEEM 2 BE DOING AS WELL AT CONTROLLING MY LAUGHTER & TEARS–IN THE BEGINNING, I COULD ALMOST CONTROL MY TEARS & LAUGHTER, SO I ATTENDED THINGS (LIKE A FUNERAL) THAT I WOULD NORMALLY SHY AWAY FROM.

BUT WHEN MY PBA MEDS RAN OUT RECENTLY(I THINK THE DOCTOR KEPT 4GETTING ABOUT SIGNING 4 NEW ONES), IT DEFINITELY HAD TIME 2 GET OUT OF MY SYSTEM, & THOSE DAYS WERE A NIGHTMARE! I WAS AMAZED BY THE MANY YEARS THAT MY FAMILY (& I) HAVE TOLERATED IT! I DEFINITELY GOT MORE DEPRESSED W/O MY PBA MEDS–IT’S NO WONDER PBA IS OFTEN MIS-DIAGNOSED AS DEPRESSION! & MY SPEECH (WHICH GREATLY IMPROVED WITH THE MEDS) ALSO DRASTICALLY DECLINED IN A STRANGE WAY–MORESO THAT I’M JUST NOT AS CLEAR, BUT I ALSO HAVE MOMENTS WHEN I CAN BARELY TALK. & I MISSED BEING ABLE 2 TALK (EVEN W/WHAT LITTLE I HAD)! I BECAME EXTREMELY GRATEFUL 4 THOSE MEDS!

WHEN I FINALLY GOT MY PBA PILLS, AFTER MK GAVE ME 1, HE HUGGED ME & WELCOMED ME BACK. LOL BUT I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN 2 EXPLAIN HOW HAPPY I WAS! IT MAKES SUCH A HUGE CHANGE W/NOT ONLY MY EMOTIONS, BUT ALSO W/MY MIND & SPEECH & ENERGY LEVEL!

WHEN I ASKED ANGIE, “HOW DID MY FAMLY & I DEAL W/PBA FOR ALMOST 9 YEARS, BUT 4 DAYS ALMOST KILLED SOME OF US?”, ANGIE POINTED OUT HOW B4 WE DIDN’T KNOW HOW AWESOME IT COULD BE, & HOW IT’S HARDER WHEN U KNOW U ARE MISSING OUT ON SOMETHING THAT COULD MAKE SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE! ANGIE IS SOOO RIGHT, & I’M SO GRATEFUL GOD HAS GIVEN US THIS LIFE-CHANGING MED!

LATELY, I’VE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT HOW MUCH MY LIFE HAS BEEN AFFECTED BY “INVENTIONS” & PEOPLE (1 was a man named Jack Rushton, who I admire cuz he helped me so much in the beginning, & was so pivotal in the attitude i have now! I wrote about him here: http://www.jenannlynn.org/files/way-out-way-through.pdf )

WHEN I HAD MY STROKE, I SAW MY LIFE PLANS SHATTERED…I CERTAINLY NEVER SAW MYSELF BEING FILMED BY MORMON MESSAGES, BEING IN 3 MAGAZINES, OR BEING IN A BRITSH MEDICAL JOURNAL, & THAT I’D STILL TEACH! 8.5 YRS AGO, IF I HAD BEEN TOLD THAT MY FUTURE HELD THOSE KINDS OF THINGS 4 ME, I WOULD’VE LAUGHED, & ASKED HOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE! ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE A MOM—I NEVER DREAMED I’D BE AS ACTIVE IN MY KIDS LIVES AS I AM, & ALL OF THOSE THINGS HAVE HELPED ME, AS WELL!

C.S. Lewis wrote, “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.”

AS A STROKE SURVIVOR, I HAVE UNIQUE NEEDS. BUT THERE ARE NOT MANY BRAINSTEM STROKE SURVIVORS, & EVERY SURVIVOR IS DIFFERENT, SO THERE IS NOT A LOT OF DEMAND FOR THOSE NEEDS 2 BE TAKEN CARE OF. STILL, I OCCASIONALLY COME ACROSS A WONDERFUL “INVENTION” THAT SEEMS 2 BE BUILT JUST 4 ME! I KNOW IT’S NOT, & SERVES A PURPOSE 4 MANY OTHER PEOPLE AS WELL, BUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS, SO MAYBE ANOTHER FEATURE SEEMS MADE 4 SOMEONE ELSE! BUT THERE SEEMS 2 BE A PARTINCLUDED THAT WASN’T NECESSARY 4 MANY OTHER PEOPLE, BUT IT IS ESSENTIAL 4 ME…IT RE-AFFIRMS MY BELIEF THAT GOD KNOWS ME PERSONALLY, & HENOT ONLY HAS A PLAN FOR ME, BUT HAS HAD AN ACTIVE PART IN MY LIFE, SO THAT PLAN IS EXECUTED.

BUT SO THIS ISN’T THE WORLD’S LONGEST POST, I WILL WRITE SEVERAL POSTS ABOUT THESE “INVENTIONS” & PEOPLE, & HOW THEY’VE AFFECTED ME…

I’VE BEEN TRYING NOT 2 POST, SO EVERY1 WOULD SEE OUR CHRISTMAS VIDEO, BUT SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THEN, THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE 2 START!
I’VE BEEN KEEPING TABS ON THE THINGS I’VE TYPED SINCE MY LAST POST (ESSENTIALLY POSTING 2 MYSELF! LOL, SO I MAY WRITE ANOTHER VERY LONG POST! BUT 4 NOW, I’LL BE SOMEWHAT BRIEF.

4 QUITE AWHILE, I’VE BEEN TRYING 2 WORK UP THE NERVE 2 TALK, & NOT SIGN, ALL DAY. I’VE DONE IT 4 BRIEF PERIODS…& I DON’T CARE 2 DISCUSS THEM. BUT I KEEP CHICKENING OUT OF DOING IT 4 A LONGER PERIOD. HOWEVER, I WANT MY 1ST TRY 2 HAVE A BETTER CHANCE AT BEING A POSITIVE EXPIERIENCE, & I FEEL LIKE I’M NEAR A “PEAK” IN MY “SPEAKING CYCLE.” HOWEVER, I’M AFRAID OF IT NOT STAYING MUCH LONGER THIS MONTH…I COULD BE WRONG, BUT I CAN’T CHICKEN OUT OF DOING IT IF I POST IT—SO I’M TRYING IT SUNDAY (2MORROW).

I USUALLY STRUGGLE THE FIRST TIME I TRY SOMETHING, BUT I KNOW IT GETS BETTER THE NEXT TIME I DO IT. COME SPEAK WITH ME IF YOU SEE ME, HOWEVER PEOPLE NEED TO GIVE ME A CHANCE 2 RESPOND, BE PATIENT WITH ME, & TRY NOT TO FINISH MY WORDS. I MAY NOT GET TO SAY MORE THAN A COUPLE WORDS, BUT THAT IS OKAY. JUST DON’T GATHER IN A LARGE GROUP AND GIVE ME PERFORMANCE ANXIETY., OR TRY TO COMFORT ME IF YOU THINK I AM ANXIOUS! (MK DOES THIS WELL. HE MIGHT LOOK INSENSATIVE,BUT IT HELPS KEEP MY PBA IN CHECK.) PLEASE TRY TO ENCOURAGE ME TO TALK RATHER THAN RELYING ON ASL. ALSO, LIE TO ME A TELL ME HOW GOOD I SOUND. YOU ARE EACH ALLOWED 1 TIME TO SAY MY “WOOKIE’ LANGUAGE IS GETTING BETTER.

SO MUCH FOR BEING BRIEF!