Family

utah

Friday, I experienced some very mixed feelings that came from being a stroke survivor, mother, & wife, & I never thought I’d have 2 decide between them:
1. as a stroke survivor, I was proud of myself & cheering at my accomplishment.
2. as a parent, I was upset & slightly disappointed, because my accomplishment came from cleaning up after a disobedient child who left a mess, after several requests to clean (so i did it).
3. as a wife, i couldn’t be upset, but instead embarrassed that i didn’t follow through on my earlier request to make sure it was done, so i felt partially responsible (hence, why i attempted to clean).

In other news, my family recently went on a trip to Utah. My dad was receiving an award at his old college, so we went with a bunch of family & made a ski trip out of it.

Due to poor blood circulation (from my lack of movt.), I am always cold! (Seriously, I freeze at 70 degrees, & I’ve just become accustom to having a cold left hand!). So, I have always vetoed trips where it is cold (the entire family has asked b4 to go skiing). But i figured that my family is always making sacrifices for me, so it was my turn to make a sacrifice for them, & they’ve begged to be in snow. (Poor Soph was only 2 1/2 years old when she had her last winter w/a lot of snow, since I had my stroke & we moved to a warm climate…& while it has snowed here, it is more like a dusting, & Soph has been longing to build a snowman, & make snow angels!)

While we were gone, I didn’t do a very good job practicing my therapy! Sure, it’s vacation, but even on vacation u exercise, etc., & therapy is my exercise! But what I did a lot was talk. My therapist has said the best therapy practice I can do is talk/have conversations & luckily, that week was when I usually have my best speaking week of the month, so I enjoyed talking to my sister-in-law, her friend & friend’s daughter, who were there tending my baby neice & nephews as my family & extended family skied. We just talked a whole lot, & it was cool, cuz they got so good at understanding me, which just seemed to encourage me to talk! I actually looked forward to it (I don’t recall the last time I looked forward 2 something that way), &I felt relaxed, comfortable, & confident in my speaking skills. by not feeling pressured, I didn’t face the problems I get by “thinking or trying too hard!”

Also, I can’t explain it, but the new torso strength I already have built up (thxs 2 horse therapy) helped so much in so many ways on our trip–it was exciting! not only did it physically help, but it also eased my anxiety about my limitations!

Overall, even though I never felt “warm” (unless I sweat from the insane bedshets!), I enjoyed the trip. I rarely get to see the benefits of sacrifice, & while I know sacrifice increases your love for another person, seeing how happy every1 was, made a trip in the cold worth it.

EVEN FORIEGNERS UNDERSTAND ME!

PICTURE THIS:

ME (SOMEONE WHO CAN’T SPEAK, BUT HEARS & UNDERSTANDS ENGLISH) SITTING IN MY W/C SIDEWAYS (SO I CAN USE MY HAND) AT A KITCHEN TABLE PLAYING THE CARD GAME “SKIP-BO” WITH 2 KIDS FROM THE UKRAINE WHO DON’T SPEAK ENGLISH, LAUGHING, JOKING, & HAVING A GREAT TIME!

THIS ACTUALLY OCCURRED ON SATURDAY! IT IS AMAZING HOW WELL WE CAN COMMUNICATE…IT IS MOSTLY THROUGH OUR ACTIONS, THOUGH I SPEAK ENGLISH ABOUT AS WELL AS THEY DO, & DIMA IS LEARNING MY “ACCENT,”& ACTUALLY HAS UNDERSTOOD A FEW WORDS (SO EXCITING)! FIGUES IT IS TIME FOR THEM 2 LEAVE THIS WEEK.

Everyone has a “voice”

OUR UKRANIAN VISITOR, DIMA, HAS STARTED 2 FIGURE OUT THAT I SPEAK ENGLISH AS WELL AS HE DOES (ONLY MY “ACCENT” IS SLURRING WORDS), & THAT I COMMUNICATE W/ACTIONS & THROUGH THE COMPUTER LIKE HIM, BUT I THINK YESTERDAY WAS A BIT OF A TURNING POINT: HE SAW MY HUMOR, SO HE LAUGHS AT WHAT I SAY MORE, IF IT WAS MEANT 2 BE FUNNY, & TODAY, HE LAUGHED AT THE FUNNY PICTURE ON MY SHIRT-WHICH I HAVE WORN B4!

PLUS, I WAS ABLE 2 SPEAK REALLY WELL YESTERDAY, & THE COMPUTER GUY WHO HELPS ME, UNDERSTOOD A LOT, WHICH SEEMED 2 OPEN HIS EYES. & I DON’T THINK HE’S SEEN ME WRITE B4, BUT HE PICKED UP THAT I WROTE WHAT I COULDN’T SAY, & I THINK HE WAS ABLE 2 SEE MORE HOW IT IS JUST AS DIFFICULT 4 ME 2 COMMUNICATE AS IT IS 4 HIM.

ALSO, I JUST RETURNED FROM A LYNN FAMILY REUNION IN DESTIN, FL. I WAS SO IMPRESSED BY HOW OUR VISITORS FROM THE UKRAINE WERE JUST TAKEN IN, & I REALIZED HOW FORTUNATE I AM!

Everyone has a “voice” even the non verbal because a personas true voice Isn’t in the things they say. Its in their actions, thoughts and feelings.
“People with Disabilities Rock” FB Page

WHILE THERE, I SAW A SHOW THAT POSED THIS QUESTION: “WOULD A GOD WHO LOVES U DO (SUCH & SUCH)?”

I GUESS I COULD ASK IF A GOD WHO LOVES ME WOULD LET ME HAVE A STROKE, & DENY ME MANY THINGS IN LIFE. I DON’T KNOW IF HE DID OR NOT: POSSIBLY HE DID, CUZ HE LOVED ME ENOUGH 2 LET ME SUFFER SO I COULD GROW…
(I CAN’T FIND IT, BUT I WANTED 2 INSERT A QUOTE ABOUT HOW GLAD WE ARE THAT GOD LOVED US ENOUGH TO NOT GIVE IN WHEN IT GOT HARD & CHRIST WAS PLEADING TO REMOVE THIS CUP, & LET CHRIST BE CRUCIFIED/SUFFER)

BUT WHETHER OR NOT HE DID, GOD MADE SURE 2 PLACE ME IN A LOVING FAMILY, & MARRY INTO A LOVING FAMILY. NOT A DAY WENT BY WHERE I WAS NOT IN WAS BY GOD’S LOVE 4 ME, EITHER THROUGH MY HUSBAND, MK, OR THROUGH AN EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBER. THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS IS HUGE. I NEVER REALIZED HOW HUGE, UNTIL RECENTLY. I WAS NOT LEFT ALONE, OR PUT IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION WHERE I COULDN’T FEEL GOD’S LOVE!

INTRODUCING…

4 SEVERAL DAYS NOW, I HAVE BEEN TRYING 2 WRITE A POST ABOUT THE NEW ADDITIONS TO OUR FAMILY 4 THE SUMMER (OVER THE WEEKEND, WE PICKED UP 2 KIDS FROM THE UKRAINE, DIMA & MAYA). BUT LIFE CHANGES DAILY, SO BY THE TIME I FINISH WRITING A POST, & HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY 2 POST IT, IT IS OUT OF DATE!

ANYWAY, ZACH, WHO USED TO BE SHORT, UNTIL HE HAD HIS RECENT GROWTH SPURT, IS A GIANT, & EVEN SOPH, WHO IS YOUNGER THAN 1 OF THEM, IS STILL BIGGER THAN BOTH OF THEM! DIMA & MAYA DON’T SPEAK ENGLISH–YET—BUT THEY ARE LEARNING! SAT. NIGHT, AS I WATCHED MY FAMILY ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM, I GOT A HUGE KICK OUT OF SEEING EVERY1 DEAL W/THE COMMUNICATION BARRIER THAT I DEAL WITH DAILY. BUT I BET THEY WILL PICK UP ENGLISH SUPER FAST, OUT OF NECESSITY, CUZ THAT’S LIKE ME NOT BEING ABLE 2 SIGN EVERY DAY (& I DO ONLY 1-2 “NO SIGNING DAYS” A WEEK)! BUT I’M GLAD DIMA & MAYA HAVE EACH OTHER–THAT COMMUNICATION BARRIER IS LONELY & TOUGH ALONE!

IT’S ALWAYS INTERESTING WHEN PEOPLE MEET ME, & SINCE THESE KIDS DON’T KNOW ME, & WE CAN’T FULLY EXPLAIN ME TO THEM, IT HAS TAKEN AWHILE 4 THEM 2 “GET” ME, BUT WE PLAYED A GAME LAST NIGHT THAT I THINK HELPED THEM TO UNDERSTAND ME BETTER, & I HAVE BEEN MAKING AN EFFORT 2 COMMUNICATE MORE WITH THEM—AFTERALL, THEY SPEAK 2 EVERY1 ELSE “MY WAY”—BY TYPING ON GOOGLE TRANSLATE ON THE IPAD), OR THEY PANTOMINE/SIGN.

AT THE AIRPORT, I WAS ALREADY USED 2 PEOPLE NOT BEING SURE HOW 2 REACT 2 ME, SO I WAS FINE W/MEETING THEM. BUT WHEN WE MET THEM, I GOT THIS OVERWHELMING FEELING THAT GOD PERSONALLY KNOWS THEM, & SENT THEM TO US. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THEY WERE SENT TO US, & WHILE I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT I WAS A CHILD OF GOD, IT WAS WONDERFUL TO KNOW THAT GOD KNEW THEM TOO, & CARED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS 2 THEM, TOO!

IT’S MY STROKE-AVERSARY ON SATURDAY!

PHOTO BY AIMAGE, INC: LISA SHEPARD

9 YEARS AGO (ON THE 16TH), I HAD A MASSIVE BRAINSTEM STROKE – BIGGER THAN MY DOCTOR HAD EVER SEEN! A FELLOW STROKE SURVIVOR DESCRIBED A STROKE SO WELL W/THIS ANALOGY:
“… my world was 1 of those snow globes you get the airport and you shake it all up and the pieces go flying all around and eventually fall back into place they’re just not in the places they were before. “

I AM NOW 39 YRS. OLD, CONFINED 2 A W/C, BARELY MOVE, AM FINALLY LEARNING 2 SPEAK, MY LEFT SIDE IS PARALYZED, I HAVE DOUBLE VISION…NEED I GO ON? I NEVER DID DRUGS, SMOKED, DRANK ALCOHOL, ETC., & I EXERCISED: AEROBICS, BALLET & OTHER FORMS OF DANCE. BUT I NEVER FOUND OUT WHY I HAD A STROKE. THE BEST GUESSES ARE CUZ THE DOCTORS COULD TELL FROM BRAIN SCANS THAT THE ARTERIES IN MY BRAIN ARE SOMEWHAT SMALLER THAN AVERAGE (WHICH MAKES THE POSSIBILITY OF A STROKE MORE LIKELY), OR CUZ I HAD TRIED A NEW BIRTH CONTROL WEEKS EARLIER, OR CUZ I HIT MY HEAD A FEW DAYS EARLIER.

LIKE I SAID, I HAVE A VERY THIN ARTERY THAT MAY HAVE GOTTTEN BLOCKED, AND IF I’D EATEN MORE GREENS (I WASN’T A TERRIBLE EATER BEFORE MY STROKE, BUT I HAD MY FAIR SHARE OF EMPTY CALORIE FOODS, CANDY, & SODA, & REFUSED ANY BEANS & ALL FISH– IN FACT, ANYTHING GREEN & HEALTHY WAS NASTY! ), IT MAY HAVE HELPED THIN MY BLOOD. BUT I BELIEVE THAT BECUZ I EXERCISED & TOOK CARE OF MYSELF, IT MAY HAVE MADE THE STROKE OCCUR LATER IN MY LIFE (CHILDREN AS YOUNG AS 6 YEARS OLD HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO SUFFER A STROKE)! THE DOCTORS THOUGHT I WOULD ONLY BLINK THE REST OF MY LIFE, BUT I BELIEVE I’VE RECOVERED SO MUCH, CUZ I WAS HEALTHY!

BUT I COULD NO LONGER RAISE MY 3 KIDS, BE A PARENT GROUP COORDINATOR, BE A ROOM MOM OR TEAM MOM, OR TEACH MY 2ND GRADE CLASS, OR TEACH MY SCRAPBOOK CLASSES, OR TEACH THE CHURCH PRIMARY MUSIC TO THE KIDS THAT WERE 18 MONTHS-12 YEARS OLD. I HAD EVERY RIGHT 2 FEEL LIKE MY YOUTH & DREAMS WERE STOLEN FROM ME! BUT INSTEAD, I FEEL LIKE I WAS ABLE TO LIVE A VERY FULL LIFE AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO GIVE BIRTH TO 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN BEFORE I COULD NO LONGER HAVE THAT CONTINUED BLESSING BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH. THIS MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD TRIGGERED A STROKE AT A YOUNG AGE, OR HAD BEEN A SMOKER. MY COLLEGE DEGREE, WHICH I MAY NOT HAVE RECEIVED IF I HAD HAD MY STROKE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, HAS ALSO ASSISTED ME IN WAYS I DIDN’T ANTICIPATE, EVEN NOW!

A CONVERSATION FROM THE MOVIE, THE GOODBYE GIRL GOES AS FOLLOWS:
Paula McFadden asks,” What is that slop you are putting into my dishes?”
Elliot Garfield answers “Granola, wheat germ, soya, lecithin, natural honey. My body is a temple, Miss McFadden, and I am worshiping it. It’s what gives me my energy, my vitality and my natural disposition.…May I fix you a bowl? “

IF YOU CHOOSE THE PROPER FOODS, I BELIEVE YOU WILL HAVE BETTER HEALTH THAN YOU WOULD IF YOU ATE FOODS THAT ARE NOT NUTRITIOUS. I NOW LOVE MY VEGETABLES & SOME FISH & ENJOY SOME BEANS! I AM NOW ON A BIG HEALTH KICK, & IF I DO EVER WALK, I THINK IT WILL BE CUZ OF MY HEALTHY LIFESTYLE NOW, & CUZ OF MY LOW WEIGHT.

YOUR LIFE IS DEFINATELY SHAKEN UP DIFFERENTLY WITH A STROKE & IS NOT HOW U SAW IT, BUT LIKE THE SNOWGLOBE, THINGS FALL BACK IN PLACE, & CAN STILL BE BEAUTIFUL! I SHARED MY NEW FAVORITE SONG, WHERE IT SHARES HOW OUR “TRIALS OF THIS LIFE, THE RAINS, THE STORM’S OF THIS LIFE,ARE YOUR (GOD’S) MERCIES IN DISGUISE.” I CAN SEE HOW THAT IS TRUE FOR ME, & IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME, I WOULDN’T STOP MY STROKE FROM HAPPENING! I AM GRATEFUL 2 GOD 4 SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE, & ALLOWING ME 2 SUFFER, SO I COULD GROW FROM THIS EXPIERIENCE! AS A PARENT, I KNOW IT’S NOT EASY 2 LET A CHILD SUFFER, EVEN IF WE KNOW THE GOOD THAT WILL COME FROM THAT SUFFERING!