Church

I SUCK!

WHEN I DISCOVERED I COULD SUCK, I STATED THAT THIS "opens worlds for me.” 2 EXPAND ON THAT THOUGHT:

I USE A SPECIAL SQUEEZE BOTTLE 2 DRINK. IT'S ACTUALLY MEANT 4 FOOTBALL PLAYERS WHEN THEIR HELMETS R ON. I NEED IT 2 HAVE ANY LIQUIDS, BECAUSE THEN LIQUIDS R SQUEEZED IN MY MOUTH, WHICH I SWALLOW. I BEGAN W/DROPS OF LIQUID, SO THESE GULPS SEEM HUGE.

ANYWAY, WHY I SAID THIS "opens worlds for me”:

• IT GIVES MY FAMILY FREEDOM. IF WE R ASKED SPONTANEOUSLY BY SOME1 2 GO 2 DINNER, WE CAN GO & NOT CHECK 1ST IF I HAVE MY CUP, & IF IT'S NOT THERE, I DON'T HAVE 2 BE THE "BAD GUY" WHO SAYS NO BECAUSE I NEED 2 DRINK IF THE FOOD IS DRY & IF THE FOOD IS STICKING 2 THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH.
• I CAN GO PLACS & NOT WORRY IF MY CUP IS THERE. I CAN TAKE SM. SIPS WHENEVER & WHEREVER–FAST DURING A MEAL, IF I'M AT CHURCH, MOVIE THEATER (CAN'T WAUT 2 TRY W/POPCORN).
• I CAN HAVE SODA POP, IF I DESIRE IT.

I’M NOT GREAT–1 SIP IS SMALL, HARD 2 DO, & TAKES A WHILE. I DOUBT IT'S STRONG ENOUGH 4 A MILKSHAKE (WHO CARES—COLD STUFF GIVES ME A BRAIN FREEZE ANYWAY!) BUT THAT IS HOW IT ALWAYS STARTS: SMALL. THEN I PRACTICE. I JUST NEED THE ABILITY…AFTER ALL, EVERYTHINNG I DO, STARTED W/JUST MOVING ATHUMB!

I JUST GOT A A CUP W/A STRAW THAT HOOKS 2 MY W/C, SO I CAN PRACTICE SUCKING. (IT'S NOW A COMPLIMEMT 2 SAY, :I SUCK!") I THINK I'll BECOME A BIGGER MOVIE FAN NOW, SINCE I CAN PRACTICE FOR 2 HRS. STRAIGHT! COINCIDENTLY,WE MADE THE STRAW REQUIRE ME 2 ALSO PRACTICE TURNING MY HEAD THE DIRECTION THAT'S HARDER 4 ME, & PROB. ALSO STRENGTHENS MY NECK!

Music and the Spoken Word

I WAS SO EXCITED 2 FIND A WEBSITE 4 Music and the Spoken Word . EVERY SUNDAY, I LISTEN, & MY FAV. PART IS THE 5-10 MIN. MESSAGE. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE LAST MESSAGE, “THE POWER OF PATIENCE.” OTHER FAV.: “SPRING CLEANING” & “FROM CHAOS 2 CONTENTION.”

IRONICALLY, HEARING THE RECENT MESSAGE WAS EXTREMELY SIMILAR 2 SOMETHING I'D WRITTEN RECENTLY 4 CHURCH, BUT THEY SAY IT BETTER THAN I WOULD, SO HERE'S SOME STUFF I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREED WITH:

"—When our dreams collide with our limitations, do resilience and a little humor accompany our efforts? —Patience doesn't make the problems go away— there's power in patience that makes us equal to the task. "

PBA
    AN EDUCATIONAL MOMENT:

I HAVE A STROKE-RELATED CONDITION CALLED PBA (AS EXPLAINED AT http://www.pseudobulbar.com/ & ALSO CALLED PSEUDOBULBAR AFFECT, PATHOLOGICAL LAUGHING AND CRYING, EMOTIONAL LABILITY, OR EMOTIONAL INCONTINENCE). IT'S A RESULT OF THE STROKE, BUT NOT STROKE-RELATED. IT EXPLAINS WHY I CAN'T CONTROL MY LAUGHING/CRYING, & IF I HAVE ANY SMALL EMOTION, IT'S AMPLIFIED.

      TEARS/LAUGHTER R NOT ALWAYS PROPORTIONAL 2 HOW I FEEL.

        4 EX., I CAN LAUGH/CRY WHEN I FEEL NOTHING OR DO NOT LAUGH/CRY WHEN I WANT. ANOTHER EX. IS THAT IFI MENTALLY KNOW IT'S STUPID 2 REACT, I MAY STILL LAUGH/CRY. YET ANOTHER EX. IS I CAN LAUGH WHEN I WANT 2 CRY, & VICE VERSA. PBA IS A HUGE PART OF MY DAILY LIFE & INTERFERES W/SOOO MUCH, BUT I IMAGINE IT'S ALSO HARD 4 MY FAMILY BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IF THE EMOTION IS REAL! (IMAGINE GETTING HURT, & I LAUGH!) THE WORDS "I UNDERSTAND" R MEANT 2 EMPATHIIZE, BUT CAN BE FRUSTRATING BECAUSE EVEN I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT!

        WHEN I AM MADE 2 CRY LOUD, LIKE I WOULD W/PUBLIC SPEAKING, I CAN'T SIGN OR THINK CLEARLY. I DON'T THINK LIKE I AM USED 2 THINKING–WORDS R OFTEN LOST & IT'S NOT UNTIL LATER THAT I CAN SAY WHAT I THINK. MY MEMORY'S ALSO WORSE, SO I CAN'T TYPE & RECALL WHAT I WROTE. I PREFER 2 TYPE & LEAVE WHILE IT'S READ–NOT 2 "HIDE," BUT SO IT'S HEARD (SINCE I'M SO LOUD).

        WHEN I DO SPEAK, PEOPLE EXPECT GREATNESS, BUT AS I SAID PREVIOUSLY, WORDS R HARDER 2 THINK OF NOW. I’M NOT ELOQUIENT…NEVER WAS B4! PRESIDENT THOMAS S. MONSON, IN THE LDS (MORMON) 1ST PRESIDENCY OF THE CHURCH, SAID: “You can share—in many ways—by the words you speak, by the example you set, by the manner in which you live your life.” I DO IT BY HOW I LIVE &/OR EXAMPLE.

        WHEN I SIGN AT HOME, THEY R SHORT, CONSISTING OF 2-3 SENTENCES. THEY HAVE 2 BE SHORT. I CAN’T SIGN WHAT I’D TYPE–PEOPLE CAN’T LISTEN THAT LONG (AS I SLOWLY FINGERRSPELL OUT SENTENCES). ALSO, WHAT I SAY IS VERY GENERIC. HAS 2 BE, SO I CAN SOMEWHAT CONTROL MY PBA. IT'S A REAL DILEMNA!

        IN CHURCH (U'LL UNDERSTAND IF U R LDS), MARK HAS OFFERED 2 TRANSLATE MY ASL IF I WANT 2 BEAR MY TESTIMONY, BUT PEOPLE WHO DO IT, DO IT BECAUSE THE SPIRIT SAYS 2 DO IT & GUIDES WHAT 2 SAY. I HAVE 2 PUT UP A WALL, BECAUSE OF PBA, SO I DON’T GET THATDESIRE OR GUIDANCE. USUALLY, IF I ALLOW THE SPIRIT 2 BE THERE, I CRY & HOWL LIKE NO1 IMAGINES (I CALL IT MY “PBA-FEST”), SO MARK MAY NOT BE HEARD, & THE PRIDE I HAVE IS DAMAGED THROUGH EMBARRASSMENT (I RARELY ALLOW IT BECAUSE I HATE 2 BE SUCH A SPEKTLE)!

THURS.

I WALKED 2DAY!

I WAS DOING A USUAL SWIM THERAPY W/5 LB. WEIGHTS ON MY ANKLES 2 KEEP MY FEET DOWN, & WALKING ACROSS THE POOL (WHICH USUALLY CONSISTS OF ME STEPPING W/MY RT. FT., THEN MARK-WHO’S BEHIND ME, HOLDING ME-KICKING MY LT. LEG FORWARD, AFTER I BEND IT.) & WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE (I HAVE A HARDER TIME SPEAKING WHEN I TRY-I ‘THINK 2 MUCH’) & TOOK AN AMAZING STEP W/MY LT. FT.

IT WAS SO ALARMING, MARK ASKED IF I JUST STEPPED W/MY LT. FT. I KNEW I HAD, BUT WAS UNSURE HOW. 2 MY RELIEF I DID IT MANY TIMES (BUT STILL WONDER IF I CAN DO IT AT THE NEXT SWIM THERAPY) BUT I HAD 2 RELY ON THE KNOWLEDGE IT WAS POSSIBLE, BECAUSE I’D DONE IT ONCE B4. NO SUBSEQUENT STEP WAS AS NICE-SOMEHOW THAT 1st STEP (I USED A DIFFERENT HIP MUSCLE & TOOK A ‘REAL’ STEP- SUBSEQUENT STEPS I HAD 2 TIPPY-TOE 2 BEND), BUT I MADE BOTH FEET MOVE! NOW IF ONLY MY TRUNK SUPPORT WAS THERE!

ABOUT MY ENSIGN ARTICLE, I FILLED OUT STUFF & IT DOESN’T GAURANTEE MY ARTICLE WILL BE PRINTED, BUT A HEFTY FEE IS PAID SO THEY CAN USE IT WHENEVER THEY CHOOSE. HOWEVER, I’M TERRIBLE AT KEEPING SECRETS, SO IT’S A GOOD THING I WASN’T TOLD WHEN I’D BE PUBLISHED! I JUST KNOW THEY CAN EDIT IT 2 FIT. ANY1 WHO KNOWS ME WELL, OR MY TESTIMONY, WILL KNOW IT WHEN THEY C THE TITLE-WHICH CHANGED 4 TIMES! UF U R NOT LDS/MORMON, WHEN/IF IT COMES OUT, I’LL POST A LINK-I ALWAYS USE THEIR AUDIO FILES.

MY MAIN CONCERN IS THAT PEOPLE WILL THINK I WRITE ELOQUENTLY IF I TRY. I DON’T! REMEMBER I SAID THIS SAME ARTICLE WAS DENIED? THE MEAT WAS THERE ON BARE BONES. MY PARENTS SAW POTENTIAL & PICKED ME UP. MY MOM & MY BROTHER MIKE (CURRENTLY SERVING A MISSION 4 R CHURCH IN FINLAND) PUT FLESH ON THOSE BONES (1 PG. BECAME 2 & I ENSURED IT WAS STILL ‘MY WORDS’). LISA (MY OLDEST FRIEND-A PEN-PAL AT 12 YRS.) & MARK EDITED. IT WAS ACTUALLY MARK WHO INSPIRED THE FINAL TITLE, WHICH GAVE ME THE MOST GRIEF. SO, I DON’T STAND ALONE!

PUBLISHED AGAIN!

I STARTED WRITING AN ARTICLE THE WEEKEND ZACH WAS BAPTIZED-AUG. 2005. I HAVE HAD SOME HELP EXPANDING MY THOUGHTS & EDITING, & LAST NIGHT I FOUND OUT I’LL BE PUBLISHED IN A CHURCH MAGAZINE, THE ENSIGN! I’M SO GLAD-I FELT THIS SHOULD BE SHARED–& IT WAS TURNED DOWN ORIGINALLY (REMINDING ME OF MY TEEN YRS. WHEN I ENTERED A NEW ERA, ANOTHER CHURCH MAGAZINE, CONTEST). ODDLY, NEITHER PUBLICATION-THE ARTICLE OR MY SCRAPBOOK PG.–WOULD HAVE HAPPENED W/O HAVING MY STROKE! IN ORDER 2 KEEP IT SOMEWHAT A SURPRISE, I’M NOT SHARING MORE THAN THE KNOWLEDGE 2 LOOK 4 ME IN THE CHURCH MAGAZINE, THE ENSIGN . AREN’T I MEAN?