TALKING

THOUGHT U MIGHT GET A KICK FROM THIS:

LATELY, MY KIDS HAVE SHOWN SIGNS OF “WEAR” W/MY SIGNING. IT GETS OLD 4 ME 2 (AT LEAST THEY HAVE BREAKS AS THEY TALK 2 EACH OTHER, BUT I NEVER HAVE A BREAK FROM FINGERSPELLING OR TYPING THINGS W/1 FINGER–NO MATTER HOW I SPEAK, IT’S LETTER BY LETTER, IN ORDER 2 FORM A WORD. BECAUSE OF IT, OFTEN, I WEIGH IF IT’S EVEN WORTH THE EFFORT 2 SAY ANYTHING). BUT, I DON’T BLAME ANY1. IN FACT, I APPLAUD THEM: IT’S TAKEN ABOUT 5 YRS., TO GET 2 A POINT WHERE THEY C MY HAND, & SAY “NEVER MIND” OR “4GET IT,” & IT’S EXHAUSTING.

ANYWAY, JESS CRACKED ME UP 2 MON. AGO. EVERY DAY, AS PART OF THE GIRLS HOMEWORK, THEY READ 2 ME. 4 SOME ODD REASON (POSSIBLY “APRAZIA”), SOMETIMES I CAN’T VOCALIZE UNTIL SOME1 SINGS “OLD MCDONALD” & I EFFORTLESSLY SING “EIEIO”… SO 2 MON. AGO, JESS CHOSE A BOOK TITLED “OLD MCDONALD,” & PAUSED 2 HEAR ME REPEAT EVERY “EIEIO”…

I BELIEVE SHE DID THIS BECAUSE, THOUGH I TALK LIKE A BABY (WHERE THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY UNDERSTANDS THE BABY MORE), THERE IS A JOY THAT ARISES FROM ME ANSWERING A QUESTION, W/O THEM NEEDING 2 LOOK AT ME. OR ME CALLING SOME1’S BLUFF–FIA SAYS THAT ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I SAY BEST IS “I LOVE YOU” (IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE “I O U”), & MY NEXT BEST WORD THAT I VOCALIZE IS “LIAR!” 🙂

THE GIRLS SAY STUFF LIKE, “MOM’S FUN, I JUST WISH SHE COULD TALK,” ALL THE TIME JESS AMAZES ME W/ A GIFT, 2 READ MY ASL FAST, & PICK UP ON NEW ASL WORDS. FIA AMAZES ME THAT SHE CAN EVEN READ MY ASL, AT HER AGE! NOT ONLY IS THERE READING, BUT SPELLING! (ZACH IS AMAZING 2, BECAUSE I ALMOST ALWAYS CAN TALK 2 HIM, EVEN IF HE’S “WORN OUT.”) BUT EVEN SO, THE 1 THING I’VE ALWAYS WANTED BACK IS 2 TALK. I’M HAUNTED BY BEING TOLD I CAN’T TALK, BUT I BELIEVE I CAN.

“Every great endeavor starts small, sometimes as little more than a dream… But even small beginnings, after all of the roadblocks and the dead ends, can lead to great things when they ride on the wheels of a dream.”
“Music and the Spoken Word,” from “Big Dreams on a Small Island”: (http://www.musicandthespokenword.com/messages/)

WHAT TALKING I DO, IS NOT A “HIDDEN TALENT,” OR “SECRET.” IT JUST DOESN’T COME UP IN CONVERSATION, OR I DO IT, & AM NOT NOTICED (AS I’M “THE GIRL WHO CAN’T TALK”), OR I HAVE A DELAYED REACTION (I’VE KNOWN MY MOM & MUSIC THERAPIST 2 STAND IN AN OPEN DOORWAY, & WAIT LIKE 5 MIN. 4 ME 2 SAY BYE!), OR IT’S UNRECOGNIZABLE (IT HAS TAKEN FIA 2 YEARS 2 RECOGNIZE THAT I SAY HER NAME), OR I WAS SIMPLY WAS 2 QUIET.

IT’S OFTEN INVOLUNTARY & I CAN HAVE A “GOOD SPEAKING DAY,” OR A “BAD SPEAKING DAY.” I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S A GOOD OR BAD DAY UNTIL I TRY, BUT IT DOESN’T MEAN NO TALKING ON A BAD DAY. A BAD DAY IS JUST HARDER, QUIETER, LESS CLEAR, PEOPLE R MOVING 2 FAST 4 ME 2 TRY, OR I TRY & CAN SAY LESS (OFTEN, I SIT W/MY MOUTH OPEN & TRY 2 PUSH OUT ANY SOUND AT ALL, & GET NO SOUND OUT). THOSE R THE DAYS I FOCUS ON BREATHING BIGGER & DEEPER.

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